I think Mr. Schue is using irony to enhance the performance.

—Artie to Rachel in reference to his solo in Sit Down, You're Rocking The Boat, Pilot

The more times she storms out of rehearsal the less impact it has.

—Artie (in reference to Rachel), Preggers

We plan on smacking them down like the hand of God.

—Artie (to Will), Vitamin D

Has your soul been taken over by caffeinated space aliens?

—Artie (to Finn), Vitamin D

See ya, white people.

—Artie, Throwdown

But I wanna be very clear; I still have the use of my penis.

—Artie (to Tina), Wheels

Rachel: We didn't think you'd take it personally.
Artie: Well you're irritating most of the time, but I don't take that personally.

—Artie and Rachel

Mercedes: What's a "patriotic" wedgie?
Finn: It's when they hoist you up the flagpole by your undies.
Artie: Strangely, it did make me feel more American.

—Artie, Mercedes, and Finn, Mattress

Artie: I'd love to be in the photo Rachel, but I'd be sitting and you'd be standing, and it throws off the whole composition!
Rachel: I'll lean over.
Artie: But, if you lean over, it'll look like you have stomach rolls.
Rachel: On second thought, I don't think you're leadership material, Artie!
Artie: *points to self* Follower.

—Artie and Rachel, Mattress

She's a total trout mouth.

—Artie (in reference to Rachel), Sectionals

I thought a lot about it, and I forgive you for lying about your stutter. However, if you're planning to get all up on this, I'm gonna need you to make some changes. The Goth thing was two years ago, so, maybe, lose the vampire make-up and consider some tighter-fitting clothing. You got the pow, and I believe you should work it more if we're going be an item.

—Artie (to Tina about her look), The Power of Madonna

You had me at "sex tape." How can I help?

—Artie (to Rachel), Bad Reputation

We have to do what we've been dreading. Something more terrifying than Rachel's personality.

—Artie to Kurt, Mercedes and Tina, Bad Reputation

Mr. Schuester: Between posting Coach Sylvester's personal video on YouTube and making this Glist, you guys are getting a pretty bad reputation.
Artie: Why is that a bad thing? Maybe we seem more dangerous, people will stop flushing my glasses down the toilet.

—Artie and Mr. Schuester, Bad Reputation

All I wanna do is...dance. *turns on stereo and performs Safety Dance*

—Artie, Dream On

I sound like someone put tap shoes on a horse and shot it.

—Artie to Tina, Dream On

I'm never gonna dunk a basketball or kill a lion. I need to focus on dreams I can make come true.

—Artie to Tina, Dream On

They call it a funkification, meaning they show us what they've got and we spiral into a deep cloud of funk.

—Artie explains Vocal Adrenaline's scare tactics, Funk

(At the beginning of this year...)
Artie: I had never kissed a girl before.

—Artie, Journey

Finn: I like this kid.
Artie: I like his confidence. But the Bieber cut's gotta go.

—Finn and Artie (about Sam), Audition

I was playing a marathon round of Halo, woman!!

—Artie to Tina, Audition

I really want to play. I want my girlfriend back and... I want abs.

—Artie to Coach Beiste, Audition

Artie:Bouncy, bouncy, bounce-
Finn: Hey! Hey! *points at Artie*
Artie: *stops and drops head*

—Artie and Finn (about Rachel's new look), Britney/Brittany

Everyday, Tina and Mike's Asian Fusion grows stronger.

—Artie (to Finn), Britney/Brittany

And I'm stronger.

—Artie (to Tina after she wants him back), Britney/Brittany

Sam: Chicken, egg whites, fish-no salmon, oatmeal, brown rice but not after 6 PM, no butter or oil, and no soda...
Finn: That’s all you eat?
Sam: Ain’t no carpool lane to sexy.
Artie: Damn straight.

—Sam, Finn, and Artie, Rocky Horror Glee Show

So I'm your Community Service?

—Artie to Puck, Never Been Kissed

You in a sequin gown and a feather boa is exactly what you’d expect.

—Artie to Kurt, Never Been Kissed

All I can say is that I don’t want a long-term relationship with either of you; especially Brittany since I’m not in love with her.

—Artie follows Puck's advice about getting Brittany back, Never Been Kissed

I know it's not my place to ask, but can you push me down the back staircase? My injuries should be the same, but it's more lightly populated so the humiliation won't be as bad.

—Artie to Puck, Never Been Kissed

Will: When I’m sick there’s only one thing that makes me feel good.
Artie: Gin and juice?

—Will and Artie, The Substitute

(Artie explains his plan to mess with the sub to Finn...)
Hey Gigantor, we're all gonna swap names yo!

—Artie to Finn, The Substitute

(Describing Sam's fight with Karofsky...)
Mike: Dude´s a mad animal!
Artie: He´s a manimal.

—Mike and Artie, Furt

Tina: Have you noticed [Brittany] ignoring you this week?
Artie: Not really, it's Shark Week.

—Artie to Tina, Special Education

I hope they judge us on dancing and adultery because you're aces at both.

—Artie to Brittany, Special Education

Brittany: I lost your magic comb. I don’t know what happened. I had it in my pocket and then I went to motocross practice... and then when I left it was gone. That’s why I’ve been avoiding you. I’m so ashamed. That magic comb was our only chance at winning — the only thing keeping me from totally screwing it up. I didn’t want to let you down Artie.
Artie: That wasn't a magic comb. I just found it on the floor and ran into you on the way to tossing it in the trash.

—Brittany and Artie, Special Education

Tina: We have a serious problem.
Artie: Is the problem your outfit? You look like a cheerleader zombie corpse.

—Tina and Artie, Special Education

I told my parents I only want one thing for Christmas this year: stop friending me on Facebook.

—Artie to Brittany, A Very Glee Christmas

Or a Choo Choo with Square Wheels On Your CABOOSE!

—Artie sings to Brittany, A Very Glee Christmas

Brittany: See my boyfriend there? (Artie waves) For Christmas I want him to be able to walk.
Artie: Now we're screwed.

—Artie and Brittany, A Very Glee Christmas

I brought some Bloody Mary's y'all.

—Artie, Blame It on the Alcohol

Hair of the dog that d'un bit your ass.

—Artie, Blame It on the Alcohol

Holly Holiday: Sex is like hugging, only WETTER!
Artie: Yeah It Is!

—Holly and Artie, Sexy

Seriously, with your size, you could easily sit in the air ducts for days.

—Artie to Sunshine, A Night of Neglect

Artie: God, Brittany, why are you so stupid?
Brittany: You were the only person in the school who never called me that

—Artie and Brittany, Rumours

Jacob Ben Israel: I thought you were a senior.
Artie: Optical illusion. The chair adds a year.

—Artie to Jacob Ben Israel, The Purple Piano Project

Her ears should get to park in my handicap spot.

—Artie, about Sugar, The Purple Piano Project

Will: Well the boosters at Carmel don't donate tens of thousands of dollars every year to come in second. So they fired Dustin Goolsby.
Artie: So handsome.

—Will and Artie, I Am Unicorn

I so wanna give you a standing ovation right now.

—Artie to Blaine, I Am Unicorn

Man's not wrong. I got light tingles where its only fifty- fifty for tingling.

—Artie to New Directions, Hold on to Sixteen

When I was one, my mom showed me the VHS tape of his Mowtown Special, and when he did the moonwalk across the stage for the first time in history, I uttered my first words, 'Hot damn'.

—Artie, Michael

Now get the hell out of my auditorium.

—Artie to Sebastian, Michael

Rachel: Cutest
Sugar: smile
Artie: ever.

—Rachel, Sugar and Artie, The Spanish Teacher

Sugar asked me out on a date. She invited me to go horseback riding. I'm just hoping it doesn't involve being towed.

—Artie Abrams, Makeover

I've never seen Blaine so masterpiece theater.

—Artie to Finn, Glease

It's not just girls who have body issues. Sometimes guys aren't cool showing off their bodies either.

—Artie to Finn, Naked.

What we have on our hands is a lady manhunt. We need a hard target search of every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse, and doghouse.

—Artie to Finn, Girls (and Boys) on Film