Brittany's Quotations are the quotations made by Brittany Pierce, portrayed by Heather Morris.

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Season One

Quinn: Give me my test back.
Brittany: I just don't understand anything.
Quinn: That's not my problem.

Brittany and Quinn, Throwdown

It's that most of us don't know how to bake, I find recipes confusing.

Brittany, Wheels

Will: Can anyone tell me what a ballad is?
Brittany: It's a male duck.

Brittany and Will, Ballad

I bet the duck's in the hat.

Brittany, Ballad

Will: Alright, Brittany, take it away!
Brittany: Take what away?

Brittany and Will, Hairography

So, Hairography. It works best when you pretend like you're getting tasered. It's like cool epilepsy.

Brittany, Hairography

She [Miss Pillsbury] is the one they made me talk to when they found out I was keeping that bird in my locker.

Brittany, Sectionals

Santana: Sex is not dating.
Brittany: If it were, Santana and I would be dating.

Brittany and Santana, Sectionals

Santana: This food was not satisfactory.
Brittany: There was a mouse in mine.

Brittany and Santana, Hell-O

Did you know that dolphins are just gay sharks?

Brittany to Santana, Hell-O

Brittany: You're a really good dancer.
Finn: Thanks, but my feet weren't really moving.
Brittany: That was the best part.

Brittany and Finn, Hell-O

Sometimes I forget my middle name.

Brittany, Hell-O

Brittany: Did you see what Rachel was wearing today?
Santana: Oh, I know. She looked like Pippi Longstocking, but, like...Israeli.
Brittany: Those sweaters make her look home schooled.

Brittany and Santana, Hell-O

Finn: Hey don't make fun of Rachel. I mean, she's kind of cool.
Brittany: Finn, that's mean.

Brittany and Finn, Hell-O

Guess who I'm dating? Wes Brody. He's super cute. He plays soccer with my sister. He's seven.

Brittany to Santana, The Power of Madonna

When I pulled my hamstring, I went to a misogynist.

Brittany, The Power of Madonna

Mr. Schue, is he your son?

Brittany about Jesse, The Power of Madonna

The way to get a man to follow you forever, take his virginity. Madonna wrote a song about it.

Brittany, The Power of Madonna

I sometimes add a teaspoon of sand.

Brittany, Home

I'm pretty sure my cat's been reading my diary.

Brittany, Home

I've been here since first period. I had a cold and I took all my antibiotics at the same time, and now I can't remember how to leave.

Brittany, Bad Reputation

I don't know how to turn on a computer.

Brittany, Bad Reputation

I also don't know why I've only made fourth in the Glist. I've made out with, like, everyone in this school: girls, boys, Mr. Kidney the janitor. I need to get into the top three.

Brittany, Bad Reputation

Artie: I'm getting cold feet about doing this.
Brittany: Can you even feel your feet?

Brittany and Artie, Bad Reputation

There are so many lyrics!

Brittany to Will, Laryngitis

Kissing my armpits is a really big turn-on for me.

Brittany to Kurt, Laryngitis

You're pretty much the only guy in this school I haven't made out with because I thought you were 'capital G' gay. But now that I know you're not, having a perfect record would mean a lot to me. So, let me know if you wanna tap this.

Brittany to Kurt, Laryngitis

Burt: And if things get serious, use protection.
Brittany: Does he mean, like, a burglar alarm?

Brittany to Kurt, Laryngitis

(seeing Puck without a Mohawk for the first time) Who is that guy?

Brittany to Santana, Laryngitis

Now I know what it's like to date a baby!

Brittany, Laryngitis

You look terrible. I look awesome.

Brittany to Rachel, Theatricality

Kurt: And she [Lady Gaga] changes her look faster than Britt changes sexual partners.
Brittany: It's true.

Brittany and Kurt, Theatricality

(At the beginning of this year...) Santana: I hated everyone in this club. Brittany: So did I.

Brittany and Santana to Will, Journey

Glee Tour 2010

One day, I will make Kurt Hummel mine. You can count on that. Even though I can't count.

Brittany, Glee Live

See these guys back here, they're called stage hands, I've made out with every single one of them.

Brittany, Glee Live

You look like a boy peacock who likes other boy peacocks.

Brittany to Kurt, Glee Live

Season Two

Finn: Yeah, I'm with Rachel on this one.
Brittany: Gross.

Brittany and Finn, Audition

I would just like to say that from now on I demand to have every solo in Glee Club. When I had my teeth cleaned I had the most amazing Britney Spears fantasy. I sang and dance better than her. Now I realize what a powerful woman that I am.

Brittany, Britney/Brittany

Stop the violence.

Brittany to Santana and Quinn, Audition

You guys, I'm really nervous. Ke$ha's been a musical icon for weeks and I really want to do her music justice.

Brittany, Blame It on the Alcohol

Quinn: There's a fair amount of the pot calling the kettle black right now.
Brittany: (to Mercedes) That is so racist.

Quinn and Brittany, Blame It on the Alcohol

Coach Beiste didn't touch my boobs. Actually, I really want to touch her boobs.

Brittany, Audition

People think I went on vacation, but actually, I spent all summer lost in the sewers.

Brittany, Audition

I wore a tank top because I thought it was summer. No one ever taught me how to read a calendar.

Brittany, Comeback

Brittany: My name is also Britney Spears.
Mercedes: What the hell is she talking about?
Brittany: My middle name is Susan, my last name is Pierce. That makes me Brittany S. Pierce. Brittany Spierce.

Brittany and Mercedes, Britney/Brittany

Mr. Schue: So, does anybody know who Christopher Cross is?
Brittany: He discovered America.

Brittany and Mr. Schuester, Britney/Brittany

I hope you all respect that Glee Club can remain a place where I, Brittany S. Pierce, can escape the torment of Britney Spears.

Brittany, Britney/Brittany

I don't brush my teeth, I rinse my mouth out with soda after I eat. I was pretty sure Dr. Pepper was a dentist.

Brittany, Britney/Brittany

I'm more talented than all of you. I see that clearly now. It's Brittany... bitch.

Brittany, Britney/Brittany

Finn can fly?

Brittany, Britney/Brittany

(Touching Jacob's hair) It looks like a Jewish cloud.

Brittany, Britney/Brittany

Brittany: Can I have a blue toothbrush?
Carl Howell: I'll give you a hundred toothbrushes.
Brittany: Are you a cat?

Brittany and Carl, Britney/Brittany

Wait, I thought I was the only one getting the solos from now on. Next week I'm going to be performing a musical number by Ke$ha.

Brittany, Britney/Brittany

Brittany: This looks like the alien spaceship where I was probed.
Carl: Brittany, you have the worst teeth I've ever seen. You have cavities in every single tooth. It's got to be some sort of record.
Brittany: Please don't pull out all my teeth. When I smile, I'll look like an adult baby but with boobs.

Brittany and Carl, Britney/Brittany

Brittany: You're really hot.
Britney Spears: You're sweet.
Brittany: Your breath smells really good.
Britney Spears: So does yours. And you know why? Because this is a fantasy.
Brittany: Wow...

Britney Spears and Brittany, Britney/Brittany

Did you get a leg transplant?

Brittany to Artie, Britney/Brittany

I just want to get you in a stroller.

Brittany to Artie, Duets

Whenever I pray, I fall asleep.

Brittany, Grilled Cheesus

I did a book report on heart attacks if you want to give it to the doctor. I got knocked down an entire letter grade because it was written in crayon.

Brittany to Kurt, Grilled Cheesus

Is God an evil dwarf?

Brittany, Grilled Cheesus

Tina: Last week, we were too sexy, this week we're too religious — we can't win!
Brittany: Now I know how Miley feels like.

Tina and Brittany, Grilled Cheesus

I gave him [Kurt] a card that says heart attacks are just from loving too much.

Brittany, Grilled Cheesus

Artie: I thought I was over someone, but I still think I have feelings for them.
Brittany: The Clintons?

Brittany and Artie, Duets

Artie: I don't get it. I don't even think you've made eye contact with me before.
Brittany: Well, for a while, I thought you were a robot.

Brittany and Artie, Duets

I was going to order us one really, really long piece of spaghetti like in Lady and the Tramp. I've been practicing nudging the meatball across the table with my nose.

Brittany, Duets

Brittany: I'm really into you.
Artie: ...Okay.

Brittany and Artie, Duets

Will: What's a duet?
Brittany: A blanket.

Brittany and Will, Duets

Before our duet, we're going to do it.

Brittany to Artie, Duets

He [Puck] may be the dumbest person on Earth, and that's coming from me.

Brittany, Duets

I'm mad at you, but you're still so hot.

Brittany to Santana, Duets

Kurt: What are you going as for Halloween, Britt?
Brittany: I'm going as a peanut allergy.

Brittany and Kurt, The Rocky Horror Glee Show

I've been squeezing your leg for the past hour, are you not attracted to me?

Brittany to Artie, Never Been Kissed

Will: I'm not tossing the baby out with the bath water here.
Brittany: I've totally done that.

Brittany and Will, Never Been Kissed

Brittany: I'm Mike Chang.
Holly: Those aren't your names. You know why I know that?
Brittany: You're psychic?

Brittany and Holly, The Substitute

Young Rachel: I for one think we should use our set list for Sectionals to start exploring the oeuvre of Bernadette Peters.
Young Brittany: Someday, I'm gonna go to Paris and visit the oeuvre.

Brittany and Rachel's mini-me, The Substitute

Mr. Schue taught me the second half of the alphabet. I stopped after M and N. I felt they sounded too similar and got frustrated.

Brittany, The Substitute

[on tater tots] They look like deep fried deer poop.

Brittany, The Substitute

Tina: I'm confused. Are you and Artie officially dating now?
Brittany: Deal with it.

Tina and Brittany, Furt

Mike: Dude was a wild animal.
Artie: A Manimal.
Brittany: (fixing Artie's bruises) I'm so turned on by you right now.

Mike, Artie and Brittany, Furt

When you and Artie were fooling around, did he ever just lie there?

Brittany to Tina, Furt

I'm paralyzed with fear. I've been here since second period. I really need to pee.

Brittany, Special Education

I know I'm more talented than all of you. Britney Spears taught me that.

Brittany, Special Education

If we lose, we should throw possums.

Brittany, Special Education

Artie: Adultery means cheating.
Brittany: I thought it meant being stupid. Like being a dolt.

Artie and Brittany, Special Education

Artie: To be honest, I found that comb on the floor before I gave it to you.
Brittany:..And you let me comb my hair with it?

Brittany and Artie, Special Education

Artie will you please let me have the magic comb?

Brittany, Special Education

Artie: We all know you can do it.
Brittany: And I know that I can't. Just like I know the cricket that reads to me at night is totally stealing my jewelry.

Artie and Brittany, Special Education

Go Mercedes Go Mercedes Go!

Brittany to Mercedes, A Very Glee Christmas

Can I be honest? I don’t understand the difference between an elf and a slave.

Brittany to Santa's Helper, A Very Glee Christmas

Do you see my boyfriend over there? This Christmas, I want him to be able to walk.

Brittany to Santa, A Very Glee Christmas

Last year I left my stocking up over Christmas vacation and an entire family of mice started living in it. Their Christmas gift to each other was rabies.

Brittany to Artie, A Very Glee Christmas

Remember, even the smallest envelope is heavy for an elf.

Brittany to Artie, A Very Glee Christmas

(About Artie's ReWalk...) I thought it was a Transformer.

Brittany, A Very Glee Christmas

Coach Beiste: There was a girl, a little younger than you, and she was a little husky. She was always asking Santa for the same thing: to make her look more like the others girls. She wasn’t asking to be pretty or nothing, but she just didn’t want to stick out so much. Santa just couldn’t do it. So instead Santa gave her patience. And later on that girl was glad that Santa didn’t give her what she asked him for. She put being husky to good use.
Brittany: Was her name Ricki Lake?

Brittany and Shannon, A Very Glee Christmas

Brittany: You've gotten really tan.
African American Santa: Uh, because in the North Pole there's a hole in the ozone.

Brittany, A Very Glee Christmas

Get a good night's rest Ken. You're gonna need it. Barbie took the early flight back from Tampa.

Brittany to her dolls, A Very Glee Christmas

Quinn: What the hell are we gonna do? If we go to our cheerleading competition then we miss the halftime show and we're out of Glee Club. I'm torn.
Santana: Well I'm not.
Brittany: I'm Brittany.

Quinn, Santana and Brittany, The Sue Sylvester Shuffle

Zombie camp was funner than I expected. And the Glee Club together with the football team, it’s like a double rainbow. A zombie double rainbow.

Brittany to Santana and Quinn, The Sue Sylvester Shuffle

How many Ms are there in the letter R?

Brittany to Sue, The Sue Sylvester Shuffle

Sue: You are my three stars. Without you I have no performance!
Brittany: Sucks for you.

Sue and Brittany, The Sue Sylvester Shuffle

I don’t want to die yet. At least not until One Tree Hill gets cancelled.

Brittany to Sue, The Sue Sylvester Shuffle

Brittany: Maybe you can try rocking back and forth. People do that in movies.
Santana: (still weeping)

Brittany to Santana, Silly Love Songs

That's my man and his legs don't work!

Brittany about Artie, Silly Love Songs

Mr. Shue: (writes: LOVE on the board) I have one word for you all.
Brittany: Is it love? I'm totally gonna graduate now!

Brittany and Mr. Shue, Silly Love Songs

Listen, Rachel. I'm gonna give you some tough love right now. You're not a trendsetter. When people look at you, they don't see what you're wearing, they see a cat getting its temperature taken, and then they hear it screaming.

Brittany to Rachel, Comeback

Oh look, its Lord Tubbington!

Brittany to Mercedes and Tina, Rumours

Brittany: The key is to use the curling iron in the bathtub, to keep you from getting burnt.
Lauren: (shakes head) No.

Brittany and Lauren, Sexy

Honey, if anyone were to ever make fun of you, you would either kick their ass or slash them with your vicious, vicious words.

Brittany to Santana, Sexy

Santana: Still I have to accept... that I love you. I love you. And I don't want to be with Sam, or Finn, or any of those other guys, I just want you. Please say you love me back, please.
Brittany: Of course I love you, I do. And I would totally be with you if it weren't for Artie.

Brittany and Santana, Sexy

Brittany: Santana, you have to know, if Artie and I were to ever break up, and I'm lucky enough that you're still single... (reach out for Santana's hand).
Santana: Don't.
Brittany: I am so yours, proudly so.

Brittany and Santana, Sexy

Brittany: I just find this relationship confusing.
Santana: Breakfast is confusing for you.
Brittany: Well, sometimes it’s sweet and sometimes it’s salty. Like if I have an egg for dinner, what is it?

Brittany and Santana, Sexy

I don't even remember putting that in there!

Brittany to Santana after opening her locker filled with dirt, Original Song

Mr. Schue: This is salt water taffy.
Brittany: I love salt water!

Brittany and Mr. Shue, A Night of Neglect

Santana: I'm dating Karofsky now. Brittany: It's gross.
Santana: You don't get a say in who I date anymore.
Brittany: Why not? Because I'm dating somebody? Because you're Lebanese and I think I'm bi-curious?
Santana: No. Because I said: I love you. You didn't say you love me back.
Brittany: I do love you! Clearly you don’t love you as much as I do or you'd put this shirt on and dance with me!

Brittany and Santana, Born This Way

Brittany: God, I'm so sad. Like a sad little panda.
Santana: Well, that's why I brought you here, to cheer you up. I've been going through that Rumours album and I found the best song that really goes one step past Landslide in expressing my feelings for you. My private feelings.

Brittany and Santana, Rumours

Poison Darts?

Brittany, Funeral

Would you like to come on Fondue for Two and judge my cat?

Brittany to Jesse, Funeral

Well, family is a place where everybody loves you no matter what. And they accept you for who you are. I know I'm going to be a bridesmaid at Mike and Tina's wedding. And I'm going to be anxiously waiting just like everybody else to see if their babies are Asian too. When they find an operation to make Artie's legs work again, I'm going to be there for his first steps. I love them, I love everyone in glee club and I get to spend another year with the people I love. So, I'm good.

Brittany to Santana, New York

Kurt: I feel like Eloise.
Brittany: I have pills for that.

Brittany and Kurt, New York

The kids in Glee, they steal each others boyfriends and girlfriends and they threaten to quit, like, every other week but great stuff like that happens in families.

Brittany to Santana, New York

Santana: What about you and I?
Brittany: I love you Santana. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone else in this world. All i know about you and I is that because of that, I think anything's possible.

Brittany and Santana, New York

I can finally stop walking through the drive through window.

Brittany, Chevrolet Commercials

Will: What's your favorite song?
Brittany: My Headband
Will: And what are all these songs about?
Brittany: Headbands.

Brittany and Will, Original Song

Season Three

Jacob: Brittany, what are your plans for the future?
Brittany: Wait, are you working on a time machine too?

Jacob Ben Israel to Brittany, The Purple Piano Project

I was sure that our Nationals trophy would grow over the summer.

Brittany, The Purple Piano Project

Yeah, come on, Quinn. We used to be the Three Musketeers. Now Santana and I are like Almond Joy and you're like a Jolly Rancher that fell in the ashtray.

Brittany to Quinn, The Purple Piano Project

Brittany: I have pepperoni in my bra.
Santana: Those are your nipples.

Brittany and Santana, The Purple Piano Project

Brittany: So I assume I can rely on your vote, Rachel?
Rachel: I'm sorry, Brittany but I have already pledged my fidelity to Kurt.
Brittany: Oh, so your cool with flushing Mckinley High's future down the magical poop stealing water chair?

Brittany and Rachel, Asian F

Kurt: Why don't you just run for student body president?
Brittany: I'm not smart enough.


Mrs. Hagberg: What's the capital of Ohio? [Brittany raises her hand] Brittany.
Brittany: O.
[The class looks at her and laughs.]
Mrs. Hagberg: What? Do you even know who the president is?
[The class laughs harder.]

Brittany to a Geography teacher, I Am Unicorn

When a pony does a good deed, he gets a horn and he becomes a unicorn and poops out cotton candy until he forgets he’s magical and then his horn falls off. Black unicorns become zebras.

Brittany to Kurt, I Am Unicorn

I'm also a unicorn. Maybe a bi-corn. Either way, I'm starting to believe in my own magic.

Brittany to Kurt, I Am Unicorn

Santana: Britt, I want to talk about, you know, that thing we never talk about.
Brittany: That Sour Patch Kids are gummy bears that turn into drugs?
Santana: Are we dating or what?
Brittany: Wait, isn't this a date? Aren't you were paying. I ordered shrimp! Wasn't it last week we were taking a bath together-wasn't that a date? Are you crying?
Santana: It's just that I'm really happy.
Brittany: Well, I told you last year that if I was single and you were single, we would mingle. And if there's any controversy that interferes with my presidential campaign, then I'll use one of my leprechaun wishes. To win the election.

Brittany to Santana, Pot o' Gold

Lord Tubbington's poops are crispy and delicious.

Brittany to Rory after he puts chocolate bars in the litter box, Pot o' Gold

Why couldn't she have wished for Lord Tubbington to stop smoking?

Brittany to Rory about Santana, Pot o' Gold

Finn: Is it true?
Brittany: No, of course not.
Finn: So you're not leaving the New Directions?
Brittany: Oh, I thought you were talking about the Selena Gomez pregnancy rumors.

Brittany and Finn, Pot o' Gold

Finn: At some point you have to grow up and stop being an idiot.
Brittany: What did you just call me?

Brittany and Finn, Pot o' Gold

You cannot call your future president an idiot. It's mean. It's bullying, and I won't accept it.

Brittany to Finn, Pot o' Gold

I lost my virginity at cheerleading camp. He just climbed into my tent. Alien invasion.

Brittany to Rachel, The First Time

A vote for Brittany is a vote for root beer water fountains and robot teachers

Brittany to William McKinley High School students, Mash Off

Tornadoes are nature’s most destructive force. These violent storms have ravaged America, crippling communities all across our land. Isn’t it time we take a stand? If you honor me with being your next class president, I will make tornadoes illegal at McKinley, keeping you and your families at our school safe from their murderous rampages. Also, on Tuesdays, uh, I pledge to go topless.

Brittany, Mash Off

Shelby: Can anyone think of a name for our group?
Santana: Easy, Hot Bitches, or Hot Messes.
Brittany: Free Beer.

Brittany, Santana and Shelby, Mash Off

Is this what having a stroke feels like? Because I like it...

Brittany, Mash Off

Dude, I love Adele. She sounds like what banana cream pie sounds like when it sings.

Brittany to Troubletones, Mash Off

If you honor me with being your next class president, I will make tornadoes illegal at McKinley, keeping you and your families at our school safe from their murderous rampages

Brittany at a senior body president speech, Mash Off

I'm bilingual.

Brittany, The Spanish Teacher

I want Lord Tubbington to kick his ecstasy addiction.

Brittany to New Directions, On My Way

Puck: Man, those Golden Goblets were a lot better than I thought.
Brittany: Are you high, I couldn't even hear their instruments.

Puck and Brittany, On My Way

Puck: We all know why we're here. I've waited 5 years for this. I want ideas for Senior Ditch Day, go!
Kurt: Oh, Gershwin song lines scavenger hunt!
Santana: That sounds like torture.
Puck: I want actual ideas, Kurt.
Mike: Footloose movie marathon. Footloose, Footloose 2011!
Mercedes: What about a non-alcoholic pub crawl?
Puck: It's Senior Ditch Day, not senior citizens ditch day.
Brittany: It's springtime, I'd like to see something give birth.

—Senior Class of WMHS 2012, Big Brother

Did someone steal our floor?

Brittany to Will, Saturday Night Glee-ver

Everybody’s loving the sex tape I posted of us on the Internet. … I spliced it together with a video of Lord Tubbington performing everyday household chores

Brittany to Santana, Saturday Night Glee-ver

Now that we just got your boob in the door, we can’t rest. I came up with an idea that will make you, like, Snooki famous, but without all the blackout drinking

Brittany to Santana, Saturday Night Glee-ver

I see how you keep your car, so you could totally be on Whoreders. You just need to start storing your poops in the trunk and I’m sure they’ll book you

Brittany to Santana, Saturday Night Glee-ver

It’s a bull testicle. I drove all the way to Spencerville to get it. It came with a pair, but I got hungry on the way home, so… It tastes just like a chicken testicle. If you want to be famous, you have to eat crazy stuff.

Brittany to Santana, Saturday Night Glee-ver

Obviously I like dancing with Santana best but you guys are also cool dancers! And Quinn you're still dancing in my dreams. Oh! You can also fly and breathe fire.

Brittany, Dance With Somebody

Blaine: This song is for anyone who has ever been cheated on.
Kurt: This is insane. I didn't cheat on you.
Brittany: Cheetahs have the fastest land speed of any living animals.

Brittany and Kurt when Blaine start to sing, Dance With Somebody

Principal Figgins: You have accomplished nothing except one memorandum written in crayon saying ‘Drill baby, drill.
Brittany: Yeah, I no longer believe we should be drilling for babies.

Principal Figgins to Brittany, Prom-asaurus

Brittany: I’ve already been accepted at Purdue.
Principal Figgins: The university!
Brittany: No, the chicken factory.

Brittany and Principal Figgins, Prom-asaurus

Brittany: "And finally, all hair gel has been banned from the prom."
Blaine: [laughing] "Right."
Brittany: "I'm actually not joking. Hair gel wasn't invented until 30 million years after the Paleolithic Stone Age. And frankly, I don't like the way you look. Therefore, anyone who shows up to the prom wearing hair gel will be turned away at the door."

Brittany and Blaine, Prom-asaurus

Castles are very heavy, so putting them on clouds would be extremely dangerous. I seriously think the three of you should be put in jail.

Brittany to the prom committee about the “Castles in the Clouds" theme, Prom-asaurus

Not unless we also build escalators to Heaven for the disabled students. Plus I’m not really sure if they’re even allowed into Heaven.

Brittany to the prom committee about the “Stairway to Heaven" theme, Prom-asaurus

The Bible told me that dinosaurs and cavemen lived side-by-side for millions of years in peace, and I think that’s something that we should totally celebrate.

Brittany, Prom-asaurus

You're all fired. I'm sorry, Rachel, that includes you. But I'll see you in glee club.

Brittany to a prom committee member who is not Rachel, Prom-asaurus

I was inspired by the new girl Joe, who reminds me of a cavewoman.

Brittany to New Directions about her “Dinosaurs" prom theme, Prom-asaurus

Don’t make fun of the new kid with the bad fro, it’s hair bullying

Brittany to Kurt about Blaine, Prom-asaurus

You’re Mr. Broccoli Head. It’s really bad and you made your point. I abused my power as president. But, to help save the prom and to keep people from turning to stone when they look at you, I’ll give you special permission to wear hair gel. Immediately

Brittany to Blaine, 'Prom-asaurus


Brittany as Mercedes, Props

I have to bail Lord Tubbington out of jail. He tried to sell my iPhone for drugs

Mercedes as Brittany to Tina as Rachel, Props

I’m not totally gay, but I think that trees are born the same way as babies, so kicking me out would be kind of mean.

Brittany to the teacher, Props

Metal sparks in your face is how you get freckles

Brittany to Sue, Props

Mercedes (to Beiste): “I saw you at the 7pm showing of 21 Jump Street. With Cooter."
Brittany: “Cooter was in 21 Jump Street? I didn’t know he was an actor."

Brittany with Mercedes, Props

Plus my blanket and my pillow fell in the pool. Disaster!

Brittany, Nationals

We can use the waste basket for the toilet. And then we could eat Joe for the food since she’s been here the shortest so we know her the least.

Brittany to New Directions about being locked in the choir room, Goodbye

I was kind of glad when I found out I was flunking cuz it’ll give me a chance to do my senior year all over again. And way better. I’ll show up to my classes this time. Plus I’ll get to be a two-term senior class president

Brittany to Santana, Goodbye

What did you think was gonna happen? I have a 0.0 grade point average.

Brittany to Santana about why she failed, Goodbye

Season Four

That's a great haircut, Mercedes, I thought you graduated.

Brittany to Wade, The New Rachel

It's hard to make out over Skype. You can't really scissor a webcam.

Brittany to Blaine, The New Rachel

Maybe she has a medical condition, or she swallowed somebody with a medical condition.

Brittany about Mrs. Rose,The Lunchlady, The New Rachel

Well, I didn't. I was always popular, but I do forget to wear underwear sometimes.

Brittany to Marley, The New Rachel

Blaine: Brittany, I'm sorry, but I won fair and square. You can't just decide not to sing anymore. We all need your voice.
Brittany: I had a song in my heart, Blaine Warbler, and you killed it. Now I have a dead song in my heart and pretty soon the corpse of my dead heartsong is going to start to smell.

Blaine and Brittany, The New Rachel

Brittany: My name is Brittany S. Pierce and I finally know how Jesus feels in his house way up at the north pole because I am on top of the world. Senior year was awesome and now I get to re-live every minute of it. I’m head cheerio, vice-rachel of the glee club, and now I’m planning a Middle East-style sham election that will install me as senior class president for life.
Blaine: Brittany, who are you talking to?
Brittany: I thought I was doing a voiceover.

Blaine and Brittany, Britney 2.0

Tough love feels a lot like mean.

Brittany to Sue, Britney 2.0

Sue: My girls no longer see academic achievement as a worthy goal and yesterday I caught one of them trying to marry a squirrel.
Brittany: That's because I believe in marriage equality for all land mammals.

Sue and Brittany, Britney 2.0

I am still not speaking to you. I know you joined a gang.

Brittany to Lord Tubbington, Britney 2.0

My voice is too weak to sing live. I've been up every night this week yelling at the shrubs in my yard that have been making fun of me.

Brittany to New Directions, Britney 2.0

Brittany: [to her phone] Kiki, why is everybody staring at me?
Kiki: [in an automated African-American accent] Because those fools are jealous.
Tina: Who's Kiki?
Brittany: Kiki is Siri's super-smart older cousin who's really jealous of how famous Siri's gotten. She lives inside this super cheap phone I found at the laundromat.

Brittany, Kiki and Tina, Britney 2.0

Brittany: My voice over is continuing down the hallway.

Brittany, Britney 2.0

...And I know we had interesting lady-sex but she was also my bestfriend.

Brittany to Sam about Santana, Britney 2.0

I got a C minus on my U.S. History exam which the teacher bumped up two whole letter grades because I wrote in English instead of my secret language I invented in middle school.

Brittany to Sue, Britney 2.0

Artie: You and I dated.
Brittany: We did?

Brittany and Artie, Makeover

Artie: I could be the Cheney to your Bush.
Brittany: I'd rather be landing strip.

Artie and Brittany, Makeover

look at Sarah Palin. Her grandpa asked her to be his running mate, they lost and now they aren’t even speaking.

Brittany to Sam, Makeover

Artie: What is your favorite color?.
Brittany: Filipino. They're very hard workers and family is very important to them.

Artie and Brittany, Makeover

First, I'd like to know if anyone can prove that Blaine was actually born in this country .

Brittany, Makeover

I love you. I love you so much, McKinley High School. Simple as that. In fact, I think that everyone should love this school as much as I do. If you elect me as president, I promise to outlaw summer vacation so we’ll have school all year-round. That means we’ll spend every day of every summer indoors with all our friends in McKinley High School’s award-winning air conditioning. Also, I promise to end McKinley High School’s policy of having weekends. If you make me your president, Saturdays and Sunday will be illegal so that Monday will come right after Friday, which is the funnest day anyways

Brittany about her speech in presidential debate, Makeover

Brittany: *Yawns*
Santana:Are you ok?
Brittany: Yeah, sorry, I was up late last night reading 'Desecration: Antichrist takes the throne.' It's the ninth book in the Left Behind Series of the apocolyptic Christian novels about the end times and the antichrist, whose name is Nicolae Carpathia...or Barack Obama, depending on who you ask.

Brittany and Santana, The Break-Up

This sounds a lot like a break up to me.

Brittany to Santana

You left me behind and it hurts.

Brittany to Santana, The Break-Up

Sad songs make me really sad, and I don’t want to be sad.

Brittany to Santana, The Break-Up

Santana: You know this isn't working. You know I will always love you the most.
Brittany: I love you too.

Brittany and Santana, The Break-Up

Mr. Schue: Alright, guys, listen up. I have an announcement to make.
Brittany: Adele is dead?

Brittany and Mr. Schue, Glease

I love it so much. I promise I won't pee in it.

Brittany referring to her costume, Glease

Yeah, but this is, like a sad song, right? So you have to think of something that makes you, like really sad. Like how we're not together anymore, and it's okay but it still hurts a little bit... especially on Fridays because that was our date night.

Brittany to Santana, Glease

I am the Human Brain.

Brittany, Dynamic Duets

Brittany: Kiki, What do you think?.
Kiki: I think I'm alive and you are the machine.

Brittany talking to Kiki, Dynamic Duets

I don't smell raspberry hair gel. Does anyone know where Blaine Warbler is?

Brittany talking about Blaine, Dynamic Duets

Along with being beautiful, the three of us are National Show Choir Championship goddesses.

Brittany about the Unholy Trinity, Thanksgiving

I’m a finance major at Brandeis. It turns out Glee Club was really holding me back.

Brittany, Swan Song

That's 'cause you're a genius. And many people don't understand geniuses. Like most people didn't appreciate Einstein or the Spice Girls until it was too late. And I think that you know that I think that you are pretty awesome. And your impressions are amazing.

Brittany, Swan Song

No, it's not just Santana, it's like all the lesbians in the nation. And I don't know how they found out about Santana and I dating, but once they did, they started sending me like tweets and facebook messages on Lord Tubbington's wall. I think it means a lot to them to see two super hot, popular girls in love, and I worry, that if they find out about you and I dating that they'll turn on you and become really violent, and hurt your beautiful face and mouth.

Brittany, Swan Song

Tina, acting is a pipe dream for you, and your decision to pursue it as a career is both irresponsible and shocking.

Brittany to Tina, Glee, Actually

Brittany: My name is Brittany.
Marley: ...I know?
Brittany: Okay, I was just making sure; we've never actually had a conversation before. This is exciting.

Brittany and Marley, Sadie Hawkins

We’re gonna sing a song together, and the music usually starts when I say something like ‘It’s Brittany, bitch’ or I do one of my magical turns.

Brittany to Marley, Sadie Hawkins

Don’t eat the snowflakes. They’re fake and the glitter sticks to the roof of your mouth.

Brittany, Sadie Hawkins

I’ll go to Harvard or Princetown or Mitt or Stanford and Son or the University of California at Charles Barkley’s House, ‘cause evidently I’m one of the smartest people in America.

Brittany, Naked

If you would’ve told me that Lord Tubbington was secretly a slumlord, I would’ve believed you. [To Lord Tubbington] None of your high-rises are up to code. Those families are living in squalor, and they deserve better.

Brittany, Naked

You know what? I think you're both hot, topless or not. You know why? Because I'm a genius.

Brittany to Sam and Artie, Naked

He makes me feel really smart and think about things like where air comes from and how come in every movie about Jesus he dies at the end.

Brittany to Santana, Diva

She never wins anything!

Brittany after Tina won Dive week, Diva

You go to the church of Satan because you're really mean. You tell Marley she's fat, even though your face looks like a soccer ball.

Brittany to Kitty, Guilty Pleasures

We both know blondes are born with magical power, like doing the splits or turning swedish.

Brittany to Kitty, Guilty Pleasures

Come on this is a safe space, we're on the internet.

Brittany to Kitty, Guilty Pleasures

Jake: We do Whitney Houston songs, Brittany Spears songs, and neither of them are any role models.
Brittany: You shut your mouth!

Brittany and Jake, Guilty Pleasures

Shut up, Tina.

Brittany to Tina, Shooting Star

Hide your wife, hide your kids, hide your wife.

Brittany, Shooting Star

I have an announcement. I have recently discovered that the Tubbington-Bopp is not an asteroid. It is a dead ladybug at the end of my telescope. And I have also discovered that my telescope is not a telescope. It is a Pringles can. Hallelujah, we're saved.

Brittany to the Astronomy Club members, Shooting Star

They (MIT) really want me to study String Theory but I not all that into Arts and Craft.

Brittany to Tina, Sweet Dreams

Mr. Schue: This year's theme for Regionals is..
Brittany: Sweaters.
Mr. Schue: Dreams.
Brittany: Close.

Mr. Schue and Brittany, Sweet Dreams

Let me break it down. No one in this musty choir room compares to my megawatt star power. Blaine, you're shorter than a lawn gnome. Joe, you look like a Yucatan spider monkey. Tina is... you're just Tina.

Brittany, All or Nothing

Do you want to have kids or just continue having weirdly intimate relationships with high school students?

Brittany to Mr. Schue, All or Nothing

Tonight's guests are two sworn enemies who became friends. Then became enemies again. Then became friends again, then enemies. And then everybody stopped caring.

Brittany introduction of Will and Sue on Fondue For Two, All or Nothing

Lord Tubbington is a stickler for continuity in editorial.

Brittany, All or Nothing

Santana: You're acting like a completely different person and it's making me sad.
Brittany: Well get over it because sadness is stupid.

Brittany and Santana, All or Nothing

My entire life, people have always told me that I was stupid and after a while I started to believe them and it wasn't until I walked in this room and joined this club that I really started believing in myself. As soon as I did that, as soon as I started believing that maybe I was smart after all, I think the whole world did, too and I'm really gonna miss you guys.

Brittany, All or Nothing

Season Five

I'm Brittany S. Pierce, and Fondue for Two has been on hiatus because, as it turns out, I'm a genius.

Brittany, 100

M.I.T. Scientist: Miss Pierce? What's 5,752,000,000 divided by 958,715,548?
Brittany: I don't know. Six?

Brittany and M.I.T. Scientist, 100

I really wanna be with you, Santana. I've seen the world and I'm sure now, more than ever, that I belong with you. (...) You can't recreate what you and I have. (...) It's your choice, if you want me, I'm here.

Brittany to Santana, 100

Santana: Are these all lilies?
Brittany: They're the lesbian of flowers.

Brittany and Santana, New Directions

Season Six

Rachel: When I'm with these people, they remind me of the best parts of myself. And they would never make fun of me.

Brittany: Mmm, not to her face, no way.

Rachel and Brittany to Roderick, Homecoming

Brittany: I know your name, it's Quinn.

Quinn: I'm Quinn.

Brittany: Liar.

Brittany and Quinn to Kitty, Homecoming

Yo entiendo completamente. Cuando yo era una niña en Puerto Rico no tenía confianza en extraños tampoco. (Meaning: I completely understand. When I was a little girl in Puerto Rico, I didn't trust strangers either.)

Brittany to Alma Lopez, What the World Needs Now

Archie Meets Glee

Santana: Brit? If you're going to keep Lord Tubbington in your locker you can't talk to him so loudly.
Brittany: Why would I be talking to Lord Tubbington at school, Santana? He's a house cat, not a school cat. Besides, he only talks to me in my head!

Santana and Brittany, Archie Meets Glee, Part One: When Worlds Collide

I dreamed about this, but I was awake.

Brittany, Archie Meets Glee, Part One: When Worlds Collide

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