Burt's Quotations are the quotations made by Burt Hummel, portrayed by Mike O'Malley
Burt thingie

Season One

Kurt: I'm gay
Burt: I know. I've known since you were 3. All you wanted for your birthday was a pair of sensible heels.

Kurt and Burt, Preggers

Kurt: Hey Dad. What are you doing?
Burt: I’m making biscuits. What does it look like I’m doing?

Kurt and Burt, Wheels

Burt: This is really getting you down, isn't it?
Kurt: I'm full of ennui.
Burt: So it's really getting you down?

Kurt and Burt, Wheels

No one pushes the Hummels around.

Burt to Kurt, Wheels

Burt: Oh congrats on hitting the kool-aid or High C or whatever.
Kurt: High F.
Burt: Yeah

Burt and Kurt, Wheels

Look, Kurt, I love you. And I’m sympathetic to all your stuff but come on, buddy, we got a deal here. Right? I don’t try to change you. You don’t try to change me. You are my son, and a little guy talk with some other kid isn’t gonna change that.

Burt to Kurt, Home

What, suddenly I'm not the guy who sat through Riverdance 3 years in a row?

Burt to Kurt, Home

I can't be your dad, but I'll be her hero for as long as she'll take me.

Burt to Finn about Carole, Home

I hate Duke like I hate the Nazis.

Burt to Finn, Home

Kurt: I'm just working on my Glee club assignment. Pink Houses by John Mellencamp.
Burt: Oh, really? I didn't think that was in your wheelhouse.
Kurt: Yeah, I think it's really brave for a Midwestern like himself to write a song about such bold interior design.
Burt: Uh, you know that's not what the song's about...

Kurt and Burt, Laryngitis

I came home to find this note on your doorknob, "Do not come in under any circumstances, I'm making out with a girl." I just thought it was part of one of your Murder Mystery Dinners.

Burt to Kurt, Laryngitis

Hey, you hungry? We've got food from some nationality that's not ours.

Burt tries to make Finn feel welcome, Theatricality

Burt: Hey! What did you just call him?
Finn: Oh, no, I didn't call him anything. I was just talking to the blanket.
Burt: You use that word, you're talking about him.
Kurt: Relax, dad, I didn't take it that way.
Burt: Yeah, that's because you're 16 and you still assume the best in people. You live a few years, you start seeing the hate in people's hearts. Even the best people. [to Finn] You use the N word?
Finn: Of course not.
Burt: How about "retard"? You call that nice girl on the Cheerios with Kurt, you call her a retard?
Finn: Becky? No, she's my friend. She's got Down's Syndrome. I'd never call her that, that's cruel.
Burt: But you think it's okay to come in my house and say "faggy"?
Finn: But that's not what I meant.
Burt: I know what you meant! What, you think I didn't use that word when I was your age? You know, some kid gets clocked in practice we tell him to stop being such a fag, shake it off. We meant it exactly the way you meant it. That being gay is wrong. That's some kind of punishable offense. I really thought you were different, Finn. You know, I thought that being in Glee Club, and being raised by your mom, meant that you were some, you know, new generation of dude who saw things differently. Who just kinda, you know, came into the world knowing what it's taken me years of struggling to figure out. I guess I was wrong. I'm sorry Finn, but you can't, you can't stay here.
Kurt: Dad.
Burt: I love your mom and maybe this is gonna cost me her, but my family comes first. I can't have that kind of poison around. [turns to Kurt] This is our home, Kurt. [turns back to Finn] He is my son. Out in the world you do what you want; not under my roof.

Burt, Finn and Kurt, Theatricality

Season Two

Burt: And last week you had to camp out early to be first inline for those grey's anatomy DVDs.
Kurt: SEASON SIX dad

Kurt and Burt, Grilled Cheesus

The whole point of having something sacred is that it takes precedent over anything else you have going on.

Burt to Kurt, Grilled Cheesus

We're gonna go to the hotel where they put up the guest stars on LOST.

Burt plans his Honeymoon, Furt

Kurt: Dad, you're gonna have to pull off the first dance with Carole and if uncle Andy's 40th birthday party was any indication, you're gonna need some work.
Burt: What're you talking about, my moves were great! It was the damned Sangria. Effected my coordination.

Kurt and Burt, Furt

Carol: We wanted the two of you to be the first to know.
Burt: Yeah, after the kids in that home room.

Carole and Burt, Furt

I don't know what two guys do when they're together. You know I sat through that whole Brokeback Mountain, from what I gather, something went down in the tent.

Burt to Kurt, Blame It on the Alcohol

Blaine: Sorry if I'm overstepping...
Burt: YOU ARE.

Blaine and Burt, Sexy

Kurt: So, you're saying I shouldn't have sex.
Burt: I think on your 30th birthday, it is a great gift to yourself.

Kurt and Burt, Sexy

Season Three

You're gay. And you're not like Rock Hudson gay, you're really gay. You sing like Dianna Ross and and you dress like you own a magic chocolate factory.

Burt to Kurt, I Am Unicorn

You know what they call a unicorn without a horn? A freakin' horse.

Burt to Kurt, I Am Unicorn

Hi folks, my name is Burt Hummel and I want to be your congressman.

Now Sue Sylvester, she’s gotten a lot of mileage coming on this show and scaring you into thinking that a high school putting on a musical is the reason why your neighbor’s house got foreclosed on.

Now what she doesn’t tell you is how she spends twice the entire McKinley High School arts budget on things like leg warmers for her Cheerios.

She wants you to think that the arts are a luxury we just can’t afford. But she’s got it backwards. You know, in this economy, art, music, theater, dance, these are things we can’t afford to lose.

Now Sue Sylvester thinks that fostering a student’s creativity is a waste of money. I think it’s the way you invest in this country’s future.

We all need to get creative. You got an idea how we can boost jobs in this district, I want to hear it. You send it to Hummel Tires & Lube, Lima, Ohio.

And if you think I make a better representative for this community than Sue Sylvester, write in Burt Hummel. Just don’t let Sue short change our kids.

My name is Burt Hummel, and that’s how I see it.

Burt to The People of Lima, Pot o' Gold

Season Four

Burt: All right. As soon as you find a place to live, I'll ship you the rest of your stuff. And you got enough cash from selling your car to get you through at least two weeks in a motel. And the emergency credit card, which is only for what?
Kurt: Emergencies. Dad, this is silly. I don't have to be in New York to reapply for NYADA. So I can find a job that pays me the same amount as the Lima Bean but pay 10 times more in rent?
Burt: Yeah, because it's an adventure. Look, all great artists need a little struggle in their lives. Didn't you tell me that Julia Roberts sold shoes in New York before she made it? Good enough for Pretty Woman, good enough for Kurt Hummel. You scared?
Kurt: Terrified.
Burt: New York is gonna be a breeze compared to Lima. Think about all the crap you've been putting up with the last couple years. You know the difference between this place and New York?
Kurt: Decent bagels?
Burt: New York is filled with people like you. People who aren't afraid to be different. You're gonna feel at home there. And if you're not scared, it just means you're not sticking out your neck far enough.
Kurt: You truly are the world's greatest dad.
Burt: I know. It's written on the coffee mug you got me for Father's Day. Now get out of here. You're gonna miss your flight.
(Kurt and Burt embrace)
Kurt: I'm gonna miss you, Dad.
Burt: You can always come back. (to himself) But you won't.
Kurt: I love you.
Burt: I love you, too, Kurt.

Burt and Kurt, The New Rachel

Burt: I couldn't imagine you guys celebrating Christmas without a real tree. You know, his mom used to always buy the tree. And I would always tell her to wait until I got home from work, but she never could. Then the first Christmas after his mom died, I totally forgot about it. That is until I saw little Kurt hanging his own special version of a Christmas ornament on his window shade, Christmas Eve.
Kurt: My mom's perfume bottle. I always loved the way she smelled.
Burt: So I pulled him out of bed, I throw a coat on him, I drive straight through a snow storm, right down to the Christmas tree sale. It was the first time he smiled since his mom died.

Burt and Kurt, Glee, Actually

The Rockettes might have better legs than me, but they can't touch my Single Ladies performance.

Burt, Glee, Actually

Burt: Kurt, I have something to tell you, and I came here because it's the kind of thing I want to tell you face-to-face.
Kurt: Don't like the sound of that.
Burt: Look, I'm just going to come out and say it because there's no good way to say it. I have prostate cancer
Kurt: I feel like I'm going to be sick.
Burt: No, no, hey, hey, look at me. Do I look like a man who's dying? We caught it early. You know, local stage, no spreading. Cure rate's nearly 100 percent. (takes a bite of a fry)
Kurt: (pulls the plate away) For healthy people, Dad. You've already had a heart attack.
Burt: The heart attack is what, you know, made me get check-ups twice a year.
Kurt: It's just really scary to think that when I finally reach my destiny, that you won't be around to see it.
Burt: (puts a hand on Kurt's shoulder) Hey, I will be there. I promise. Look, can I just give you one piece of advice while we're still talking father to son? This is three times I've had to stare death in the eye. And you know the one thing I took away from all that? You have got to hold the people you love close to you no matter what.
(Kurt puts his hand on Burt's)

Burt and Kurt, Glee, Actually

Screw cheesy. I love it. In Mexico, they would call me Señor Queso.

Burt to Kurt after receiving a NYADA baseball cap, Glee, Actually

Burt: I just - I wasn't ready to leave you guys yet. Things aren't finished, right? So much to do... You getting married, grandbabies... Having old people sex with Carole. I'm just so happy I'm not gonna miss it. (hugs Kurt and Carole) I love you guys. I love you guys. I don't have cancer.

Burt to Kurt and Carole, Wonder-ful

Season Five

Burt: You okay? You look like I'm driving you to your execution.
Kurt: I can't tell. I mean, I really love Blaine and he makes me feel so connected and safe and loved, and I don't think I'm ever gonna find someone else who's gonna make me feel like that. But we're both so young.
Burt: Uhm.. Your mom and I met when we were 22 and I asked her to marry me six months in. We were just kids. Yeah.. It was really hard at first. You know, you go in with all these fantasies about what your life together is gonna be like: nothing but laughing and dancing around in your underwear, cooking pasta and sex. A lot of sex. It's hard being married, though. It's hard enough being in your twenties.
Kurt: Do you wish you'd waited?
Burt: Not one second more. I wish I'd met her ten years earlier. I didn't know then that I was only going to get so much time with her, you know? That she was gonna leave us so soon. I'd take 50 more years of late-night fights about, you know, me working late, or the gas bill, or her letting the milk go bad for just... Ten more minutes with her next to me. We only get a few days when you come down to it, Kurt. You know that better than anyone. (silence)
Look, totally being honest here.. Blaine asked me what I thought about this and I gave him my opinion.
Kurt: Which was?
Burt: My opinion doesn't matter here. You're your own man now. But giving you a choice means you gotta make one. So relax. Hear what the guy has to say. I mean, all you gotta do is say yes, no, or maybe.
Kurt: Is there another option?
Burt laughs

Burt and Kurt, Love Love Love

I should’ve given him more hugs. We’d fist-bump or we’d high-five. But I should’ve given him more hugs.

Burt about Finn, The Quarterback

We’re not saying go out there and win it for Finn. That wasn’t his style. What Finn would’ve said was, ‘This is the time of your lives, right now. You’re never gonna forget it and in a moment it’s all gonna be over.'

Burt to New Directions, City of Angels

Burt: Kurt, what were you thinking? I mean, I know what you were thinking, but who do you think you are? Diehard or Charles Bronson or something? Those guys could've had a gun.
Kurt: What would you have done? Just run, like they tell us?
Burt: I played football, Kurt.
Kurt: So did I.
Burt: As a kicker!
Kurt: That's the same attitude that makes those guys think they can do whatever they want.
Burt: Oh come on, you could have called the cops, you could have gotten help. Now look, I'm proud of what you did, but come on, man. Use your head. Do you realize how lucky you are? What are you saying about that other gay kid you saved the other night - he isn't brave? He's not as strong as you?
Kurt: I don't know what his story is. I only know what mine is. And I've been fighting these guys for a really long time.
Burt: I've been fighting too, okay? I don't know, man. It's just uh, I can't believe that this happened here. And I mean this is New York City. I mean, come on, this isn't Kansas. Am I an idiot because I thought you'd be safe here? Safer? Look at your beautiful face...
Kurt: I'm not upset about it actually. I'm kinda hoping for a scar. Is that weird?
Burt: Yes, it's weird.
Kurt: I hurt, just not on the inside. And I know who I am without a doubt. You know who that is?
Burt: Braveheart?
Kurt: Your son. The man you raised.
Burt: I'm glad you're okay. Just don't do it again, unless I'm right next to you. We'll take them together.

Burt and Kurt, Bash

Season Six

Man, officiating a wedding really puts you in a mood. You just start thinking, and philosophizing, and "speechifying"... Excuse me. We'll let you guys... All right, get me... I'm not drunk.

Burt to Blaine, Carole, and Kurt, A Wedding

Burt: So it really is like a sports team?
Kurt: Yeah, yeah, uh, kind of. Except with choreography and Beyoncé.
Burt: Who's Beyoncé? Is she one of the girls on the team?

Burt and Kurt about the Glee Club, 2009

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