Will: I'd like to take over Glee Club.
Figgins: You wanna Captain the Titanic too?

—Principal Figgins, Pilot

My hands are tied, Schue.

—Principal Figgins, Various

Silence, children. Silence. First, an announcement. The toilets are broken again. We are fixing the problem, but let me warn you. There will be zero tolerance for anyone soiling school grounds. We're not going to have a repeat of last time.

—Principal Figgins, Showmance

We've received angry e-mails from a number of concerned parents, many of whom thought that their children were going to hear a Special Olympian speak about overcoming adversity.

—Principal Figgins to Will after the Glee Club's performance of Push It, Showmance

Ah Sue, the dry cleaners here are just as good as the ones in Europe.

—Principal Figgins, Showmance

I need those parents happy! They found out we've been serving the children prison food.

—Principal Figgins, Acafellas

Sue: What happened to our little deal, Figgins? Will I be uploading a certain video to YouTube this afternoon?
Figgins: Oh, Sue, I put it on YouTube myself and it only got two hits. Lemme break it down for you...NOBODY CARES!!!

—Principal Figgins and Sue, Throwdown

Principal Figgins: Sue, the directors both from the Jane Addams Academy and Haverbrook School for the Deaf have informed me you gave them the New Directions set list.
Sue: You have no proof.
Figgins: The set lists were on Cheerios letterhead.
Sue: I didn't do it.
Figgins: They say "From the Desk of Sue Sylvester".
Sue: Circumstantial evidence.
Figgins: They're written in your handwriting.
Sue: Forgeries.
Figgins: Sue there is an orgy of evidence stacked against you!

—Principal Figgins and Sue, Sectionals

Only last Friday at the football game they tried to spell out "GO TEAM" and they spelled out "TO GAME".

—Principal Figgins about the Cheerios, Throwdown

Figgins: Will, last year at West Dayton High a photo circulated of school superintendent -
Sue: And what was he wearing?
Figgins: Women's lingerie.
Sue: And what was he riding?
Figgins: Pony!
Sue: And who was expelled?
Figgins: The entire school!
Sue: THE ENTIRE SCHOOL WAS EXPELLED WILL!

—Principal Figgins and Sue to Will, Bad Reputation

Will: Are you serious?
Figgins: Deadly serious! I cannot have these shenanigans at this school!
Sue: [imitating Figgins] He cannot have these shenanigans at this school!

—Will, Principal Figgins and Sue, Bad Reputation

Quiet please children, quiet now. First, students who ate the ravioli today, and are not up to date on their Tetanus shots should see the nurse immediately.

—Figgins introducing New Directions at the Homecoming Pep Assembly, Britney/Brittany

And now, performing the hit single, Tik and also Tok, by rapper Ke-dollar sign-Ha.

—Figgins introducing New Directions at the Alcohol Awareness Week assembly, Blame It on the Alcohol

You're a menace to the State of Ohio

—Principal Figgins to Sue Sylvester, Glease