Jacob: Rachel, how do you respond to rumors you're incredibly difficult to work with?
Finn: Well, as her boyfriend, I can answer that.
Rachel: We've been dating all summer.
Finn: Rachel's what you'd call a control list.
Rachel: I...I'm controlling. (To Finn) "Controllist" isn't a word.
Finn: Oh.
Rachel: I'm controlling. Performing is my life. And yes, do I have opinions about it? Does my need to constantly express those opinions annoy my fellow glee clubbers?
Finn: Yes...
(Rachel looks angry.)
Finn: That was out loud, wasn't it?

Jacob: When are you slated to make your triumphant return to the Shire?

Jacob: Will Schuester, how do you respond to a recent post on my blog saying your glee club song selection sound like they come from a drag queen's iPod?
Will: Well, I try to do something for everybody. 25% show tunes, 25% hip-hop, 25% classic rock...
Jacob: 100% gay.

Jacob: Did you know there's a forum on blog that's begging you to stop rapping?
Will: Wait, the kids don't like it when I rap?
(Jacob shakes his head.)

Jacob: When exactly did you ink your sponsorship with Land's End?

Jacob: Confirm or deny the rumor that because you knocked up Quinn Fabray, you spent all your summer pool cleaning money on a vasectomy.
Puck: It's true. It was the responsible thing to do.
Jacob: Is it also true you're suffering from a crippling depression because you're not over Miss Fabray? (Puck blocks the camera's view.)

Jacob: How has life changed since the birth of your bastard child?
Quinn: Well, I'm happy to be back, and I'm ready to start fresh. And ... I'm a lot less hormonal, so...so there's not really any more crying.

Jacob: What did you do with all that breast milk?

Jacob: How was your summer?
(Jacob stares at Santana's boobs.)
Santana: My eyes are up here, JewFro. And it was uneventful.
Brittany: People thought I went on vacation, but actually I spent the summer lost in the sewers.

Jacob: What can you say about the rumors the two of you're dating?
Tina: Because we're both Asians? That's racist.
Mike: Totally racist.
(Tina and Mike hold hands together.)
Jacob: (To cameraman) Did you get that? Did you get that?
Jacob: (To audience) You saw it here first.

Jacob: How exactly do you get the white out of rice?

Jacob: When will you glee clubbers ...
Kurt: I don't know.
Jacob: ... accept the fact that people hate you ...
Kurt: Kiss it, Jacob.
Jacob: ... and think you're nothing but a glorified ...
Kurt: Go away, go away.
Jacob: ...karaoke club designed to make the inventors of AutoTune millions of dollars?

Kurt: You know what, Jacob? It doesn't take much courage for people to park their cottage cheese behinds in their Barcaloungers and log on to the Internet and start tearing people down, does it? But you know what does take some courage? Standing up and singing about something. So here's a message for everyone that reads your blog. Next time, instead of posting an anonymous comment online, say what you have to say to my face.
(Kurt is slushied by Azimio.)
Azimio: Welcome back, lady!
(Azimio goes away.)
Kurt: I don’t suppose there’s any way you could just cut out the last part, is there?
(Jacob shakes his head.)