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Kurt's Quotations are the quotations made by Kurt Hummel, portrayed by Chris Colfer.
Kurt

Season One

Kurt: Is she gonna diva out after every rehearsal?
Will: Probably.

Kurt and Will, referring to Rachel, deleted scene from Pilot


Kurt: You and your friends threw pee balloons at me.
Finn: I know.
Kurt: You nailed my lawn furniture to my roof.

Kurt and Finn, Pilot


Did I miss the election for queen? Because I didn't vote for you.

Kurt to Rachel, Pilot


Mercedes: This song is terrible.
Mr. Schuester: Okay, no, no. It's not the song, you guys just need to get into it.
Kurt: No, it's the song. It's really gay.

Kurt, Will and Mercedes, Showmance


Rachel: ...because we're gonna give them (students) what they want.
Kurt: Blood?

Kurt and Rachel, Showmance


They're gonna throw fruit at us. And I JUST had a facial.

Kurt to Mr. Schuester, Showmance


One day you will all work for me.

Kurt, Showmance


Kurt: You need to call me before you get dressed.
Mercedes: Whatever.
Kurt: You look like a Technicolor zebra.

Kurt and Mercedes, Showmance


You busted my window. How could you do that? You busted my window!

Kurt to Mercedes, Acafellas


Okay, stop it right there, Mercedes. We are in Glee club. That means we are the bottom of the social heap. Special Ed kids will get more play than we will.

Kurt to Mercedes, Acafellas


Every moment of your life is an opportunity for fashion.

Kurt to Mercedes, Acafellas


My dad bought it for me when he made me promise to stop wearing form-fitting sweaters that stop at the knee. [camera shows he is wearing one] What he doesn't know won't hurt him.

Kurt about his car, Acafellas


Mercedes: So, listen Kurt. This is like the third we've gone out, can't we just make it official?
Kurt: Make what official?
Mercedes: You know, that we're dating.
Kurt: I'm sorry Mercedes, but I thought I made it very clear. I'm in love with someone else.
Mercedes: [Watching Rachel and Finn] Rachel?
Kurt: Yes. For several years now.

Mercedes and Kurt, Acafellas


It's OK. My Dad took my baby [car] away when he found my tiara collection in my hope chest.

Kurt to Mercedes, Acafellas


Mercedes: Have you ever kissed anybody?
Kurt: Yes. If by somebody you mean the tender crook of my elbow.

Kurt and Mercedes, Acafellas


Finn: Put your helmet on.
Kurt: It'll mess up my hair.

Kurt and Finn, Preggers


My body is like a rum chocolate souffle. If I don't warm it up right, it doesn't rise.

Kurt to Finn, Preggers


Hello. I'm Kurt Hummel and I'll be auditioning for the role of kicker.

Kurt, Preggers


Putting on night cream is part of my post-game ritual.

Kurt to Burt, Preggers


Emma: Kurt, I'm a girl who knows her solvents and your breath smells like rubbing alcohol.
Kurt: Oh, Bambi. I cried so hard when those hunters shot your mommy. (vomits)

Kurt and Emma, The Rhodes Not Taken


I don't see how lightning is in competition with an above ground swimming pool.

Kurt, Vitamin D


Although I've been grouped with the boys, my allegiance remains with you ladies. They declined my offer to do their hair in cornrows, and all my artistic decisions have been derided as too costly because they involve several varieties of exotic bird feathers.

Kurt to the girls, Vitamin D


Someone get me to a day spa stat!

Kurt, Mash-Up


Mercedes: You are NOT gonna slushie on my man Kurt.
Rachel: Why wouldn't he? He's made his choice. He doesn't care about us losers anymore.
Finn: No, that's not true! It's just if I don't do it, the guys on the team are gonna kick the crap out of me!
Kurt: Well we can't have that, can we? [grabs the slushie from Finn]
Finn: What are you doing?
Kurt: It's called taking one for the team. [Splashes himself in the face with the slushie, and pauses]
Kurt: Now get out of here. And take some time to think whether or not any of your friends on the football team would have done that for you.

Mash-Up


We all know I'm more popular than Rachel.. and I dress better than her.

Kurt, Wheels


Your lashing out at me is fantastically compelling and inappropriate.

Kurt to Finn, Ballad


Kurt: How do you explain the constant irritation with you. It’s because she’s a Girrrrrl.
Finn: I think it’s the pregnancy hormones or something, they make her kinda nuts.
Kurt: It’s enough to give up women all together. (giggle)

Kurt and Finn, Ballad


I don’t know why I find his stupidity charming. I mean, he’s cheating off a girl who thinks the square root of four is rainbows.

Kurt (about Finn), Ballad


He was my knight-in-shining armor. My feelings lingered stronger as we bonded over Glee, then football, then skincare.

Kurt (about Finn), Ballad


She’s going to end up disappointing him and breaking his heart and then he’ll be crying into my shoulder pads.

Kurt (about Quinn and Finn), Ballad


I can totally sing this song with Finn. But screw him if he thinks he’s taking the Diana Ross part from me.

Kurt (voiceover), Ballad


Girls, they’re your problem. They’re up, they’re down. Girls.

Kurt to Finn, Ballad


I'm in. Make-overs are like crack to me.

Kurt to Quinn, Hairography


Rachel manages to dress like a toddler and a grandmother at the same time.

Kurt to Quinn, Hairography


You need something to distract from your horrible personality. Most of the time I find it hard to be in the same room with you, especially this one which looks like where Strawberry Shortcake and Holly Hobbie come to hook up.

Kurt, Hairography


Sometimes it’s hard to appreciate what a good singer you are because all I think about is shoving a sock in your mouth.

Kurt, Hairography


Based on my investigation, I am of the opinion that a yearbook photo would only fuel the flames of anti-Glee club terror.

Kurt, Mattress


Kurt: I say we lock Rachel up till after sectionals. I volunteer my basement
Mercedes: We can't. We need her to sing.
Kurt:Damn her talent.

Kurt and Mercedes, Sectionals


As much as it hurts me to admit it-- and it does-- she's right. Rachel's our star. If anyone is going to go belt it on the fly, it should be her.

Kurt, Sectionals


Will: What do you guys say when you answer the phone?
Mercedes: What up?
Artie: Who 'dis be?
Kurt: No, she's dead, this is her son.

Will Schuester, Mercedes Jones, Artie Abrams, and Kurt Hummel, "Hell-O"


Mercedes is black. I'm gay. We make culture.

Kurt, The Power of Madonna


Will: Hey, guys, how's your assignment coming along?
Mercedes: Amazing! You know how Madonna reinvented the video, right?
Will: Right.
Mercedes: Well, we got Artie and the A/V Club to help out. We're gonna make a Madonna video of our own.
Kurt: It's gonna be "Madge"-ical. (Kurt laughs, but Mercedes looks confused) "Madge..." (Mercedes shakes her head) You know, Madonna's nickname. Girl, you really gotta get up to speed with this.

Kurt, Mercedes and Will, The Power of Madonna


You both have dead spouses. Maybe you should talk.

Kurt upon introducing Burt to Carole, Home


Rachel and Jesse refuse to accept that all of us would rather die before we allow them to become the next Beyonce and Jay-Z.

Kurt, Home


We're as menacing as Muppet Babies.

Kurt, Bad Reputation


IT'S JUST A MOIST TOWELETTE!

Kurt to Finn, Theatricality


Kurt: [about Quinn's Lady Gaga costume] You look like you should be in orbit.
Tina: My balls keep falling off.
Kurt: I've been there.

Kurt and Tina, Theatricality


Yes, you don't want to be late for your appointment at Supercuts!

Kurt to Karofsky and Azimio, Theatricality


I'm so depressed I've worn the same outfit twice this week.

Kurt, Funk


Will: We could steal their school statue.
Kurt: Their school statue is a bronze Great White Shark, eating a seal pup. It weighs three tons.

Kurt to Will, after a suggestion to prank Vocal Adrenaline, Funk


Mr. Schue, Rachel is one of us. We're the only ones who get to humiliate her!

Kurt to Will, Funk


(At the beginning of this year...) I wasn't honest about who I was.

Kurt to Mr. Schuester, Journey

Season Two

Kurt: You know what Jacob? It doesn't take much courage for people to park their cottage cheese behinds in their Barcaloungers and log onto the Internet and start tearing people down, does it. But you know what does take some courage? Standing up and singing about something. So here's a message for everyone that reads your blog. Next time, instead of posting an anonymous comment online, say what you have to say TO MY FACE!!
Azimio: (throws slushie in Kurt's face) Welcome back, Lady!
Kurt (to Jacob): I don’t suppose there’s any way you could just cut out the last part, is there?

Kurt, Audition


We get it Mr. Schue. Everyone still hates us. So what? So we're plankton on the high school food chain. The only difference now is that none of us really care.

Kurt, Audition


Mercedes: So, is that a men's sweater? (The sweater in question clearly is not.)
Kurt: Fashion has no gender.

Kurt and Mercedes, Audition


Kurt: Geesh! Let loose a little would you! Stop being so freakin' uptight all the time!!!!
Will: Kurt, I will see you in the principal's office.

Kurt (To Will ), Britney/Brittany


(Seeing Rachel has blue teeth) Kurt: Oh My God.

Kurt, Britney/Brittany


There's a burgeoning Facebook campaign that has swelled to over FIVE members. Their ardent demand? That this week, at the fall homecoming assembly, the McKinley High School Glee Club perform a number by -- wait for it -- Ms. Britney Spears!"

Kurt to Mr. Schuester, Britney/Brittany


Why no Britney, Brittany?

Kurt to Brittany, Britney/Brittany


Burt: And last week you had to camp out early so you could be first in line for those Grey's Anatomy DVDs.
Kurt:"SEASON SIX Dad."

Kurt and Burt, Grilled Cheesus


Sorry, uh, but if I wanted to sing about Jesus I'd go to church. And the reason I don't go to church is because most churches don't think very much of gay people. Or women. Or science.

Kurt, Grilled Cheesus


Thank you Mercedes. Your voice is stunning but I don't believe in God... You've all professed your beliefs, I'm just stating mine. I think God is kind of like Santa Claus for adults. Otherwise, God is kind of a jerk, isn’t he? I mean, he makes me gay and then he has his followers going around telling me it’s something that I chose. As if someone would choose to be mocked every single day of their life. And right now I don’t want a heavenly father, I want my real one back.

Kurt, Grilled Cheesus


"You can't prove there isn't a magic teapot floating around the dark side of the moon with a dwarf inside of it that reads romance novels and shoots lightning out of its boobs, but it seems pretty unlikely, doesn't it"?

Kurt, Grilled Cheesus


I'm very impressed with everyone's Sunday best. It's so Christ-chic. I hope our genuflection to the great Spaghetti Monster in the sky doesn't take too long...

Kurt to Mercedes, Grilled Cheesus


I don't believe in God, dad. But I believe in us.

Kurt, Grilled Cheesus


Rachel: I think you and I are more similar than you think.
Kurt: That's a terrible thing to say.

Kurt and Rachel, Duets


He's on Team Gay. No straight boy dyes his hair to look like Linda Evangelista circa 1993.

Kurt to Mercedes (about Sam), Duets



Rachel: Hey, I have something I want to talk to you about.
Kurt: Please, not another pregnancy.

Rachel and Kurt, Duets



When you're different, when you're special, sometimes you have to get used to being alone.

Kurt, Duets


I have three gifts: My voice, my ability to spot trends in men's fashion and my ability to know when it comes from a bottle.

Kurt (about hair dye) to Sam, Duets


Finn: You can't do this to him.
Kurt: You're overreacting.
Finn:If he sings with you, you're painting a bull's eye on his back.
Kurt: Once again your closeted homophobia seeps in the surface on the contents of a cracked cesspool.

Kurt and Finn, Duets


Sam: Aren't duets supposed to be like, between a girl and guy?
Kurt: Well, Gene Kelly and Donald O'Connor would protest.
Sam: Who?
Kurt: Make'em Laugh? Singing in the Rain?
Sam: (looks confused) Sorry.
Kurt: 1952? Nothing? Okayyyyyyy, maybe you are straight.

Kurt and Sam, Duets


Don't worry, I'm not going to go all Shawshank on you.

Kurt to Sam, Duets


Kurt: You know they make shampoo for color treated hair.
Sam: I don't dye my hair!
Kurt: Uh-huh.

Kurt and Sam, Duets



Kurt No. There is no way I'm playing a transvestite in high heels and fishnets and wearing lipstick.
Santana Why, because that look is last season?

Kurt to Mr. Shue, The Rocky Horror Glee Show


You, like everyone else at this school, are too quick to let homophobia slide. And your lessons plans are boring and repetitive.

Kurt to Mr. Schue, Never Been Kissed


It's very civilized for you to invited me for coffee before you beat me up for spying.

Kurt (after being caught at Dalton's ), Never Been Kissed


There's this Neanderthal who's made it his mission to make my life a living hell - and no one seems to notice.

Kurt (to Blaine), Never Been Kissed


You can't punch the gay out of me any more than I can punch the ignoramus out of you.

Kurt to Karofsky, Never Been Kissed


Kurt: Hey, You! I am talking you!
Dave: Girl's locker room is next door.
Kurt: What is your problem?
Dave: 'Scuse me?
Kurt: What are you so scared of?
Dave: Besides you sneaking in here to peek at my junk?
Kurt: Oh, yeah, every straight guys nightmare that all us gays are out to secretly molest and convert you. Well guess what hamhock. You're not my type!
Dave: That right?
Kurt: Yeah. I don't date chubby boys who sweat too much and are going to be bald by the time they are 30.
Dave: (holds up fist) Do not push me Hummel.
Kurt: You gonna hit me? Do it.
Dave: (angrier) Don't push me!
Kurt: Hit me cause it's not gonna change the way I am. You can't punch the gay out of me more than I can punch the ignoramus out of you!
Dave: GET OUTTA MY FACE!
Kurt: You are nothing but a little boy who can't handle how extraordinarily ordinary you are!
(Dave Kisses Kurt) (Dave attempts to Kiss Kurt again and is pushed away)
Dave: UGH! (Dave leaves, leaving Kurt shocked.)

Dave Karofsky and Kurt, Never Been Kissed


Ms. Holliday's right. Mr. Schuester's set list sometimes makes it seem like he hasn't listened to the radio since the 80s.

Kurt, The Substitute


You smell homeless, Brett. Homeless.

Kurt, The Substitute


Kurt: On the count of three, name your favorite 2010 Vogue cover. 1...2...3!
Blaine and Kurt (together): Marion Cotillard!
Blaine: (gushes) Oh my god, stop it!
Kurt: I know, I know. She's AMAZING!
Blaine: She's Amazing!

Kurt and Blaine, The Substitute


Kurt: Gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay...
Blaine: Gay, gay...
Kurt: Oh my God, I opened my mouth and a little purse fell out! How'd that get there?
Blaine: That's so gay!

Kurt and Blaine (in Mercedes imagination), The Substitute


Long story short – you're having a Glee wedding!

Kurt to Burt and Carole, Furt


I will take care of it from here. I have a trunk full of wedding magazines hidden under my bed. I'm thinking of a russet and cognac theme. Those are colors, Finn. Fall wedding colors.

Kurt to Finn, Burt and Carole, Furt


Finn: Are you sure we should free 300 live doves indoors? Won't that get messy?
Kurt: That's why we feed them glitter.

Kurt and Finn, Furt


Trust me on this. I've been planning weddings since I was 2. My Power Rangers have gotten married and divorced in so many combinations it’s like they’re Fleetwood Mac.

Kurt to Finn, Furt


I don't want you near me.

Kurt to Dave Karofsky, Furt


You are as brilliant and talented as you are irritating.

Kurt to Rachel, Special Education


Kurt: How come you were never this nice to me before?
Rachel: You were my only REAL competition.
Kurt: (smiles) True, true.

Kurt and Rachel, Special Education


Mr. Schuester: Who's that? Someone special? Kurt: Just a friend. But on the upside, I'm in love with him and he's actually gay. I call that progress.

A Very Glee Christmas


Blaine and I love Football. Well, Blaine loves football. I love scarves.

Kurt to Rachel and Mercedes, The Sue Sylvester Shuffle


Why hasn’t Finn told me anything about this? We live together. I bring him a glass of warm milk every night just in hopes that we’ll have a little lady chat.

Kurt to Rachel and Mercedes, The Sue Sylvester Shuffle


Blaine: Warm milk? Really?
Kurt: It's delicious.

Kurt and Blaine, The Sue Sylvester Shuffle


Jeremiah: No one here knows I'm gay.
Kurt: Can I be honest?... Just with the hair, I think they do...(rolls his eyes)

Kurt to Jeremiah, Silly Love Songs


Kurt: So, it's just like 'When Harry Met Sally'. But I get to play Meg Ryan.
Blaine: Deal. (pauses) Don't they get together in the end?
Kurt: (smiles and ignores the question)

Kurt and Blaine, Silly Love Songs



Kurt: Are you not drinking?
Finn: No. Designated driver. What about you?
Kurt: I'm still trying to impress Blaine. Can't get too sloppy.
[Blaine is seen dancing drunkenly]
Kurt: Clearly he doesn't have the same concern.

Blame It on the Alcohol


Bisexual is a term that gay guys in high school use when they want to hold hands with girls and feel like a normal person for a change.

Kurt Hummel to Blaine, Blame It on the Alcohol


Rachel: The date was lovely. We saw Love Story at the Revival Theatre - we even dressed up as the characters.
Kurt (sarcastically): That's not gay at all.

Blame It on the Alcohol


I don't doubt that you and Blaine would have a jolly good time shopping at Burberry's and arguing who would make the best Rum-Tum-Tugger, but there's something you and Blaine will never have and that's chemistry.

Kurt Hummel to Rachel, Blame It on the Alcohol


Blaine is the first of a long line of conflicted men that you will date, that will later turn out to be only the most flaming of homosexuals.

Kurt Hummel to Rachel, Blame It on the Alcohol


Rachel: Blaine and I have a lot in common.
Kurt: A sentiment expressed by many a hag about many a gay.

Blame It on the Alcohol


Fine. I'm sorry. I won't have sleepovers with anyone that might be gay without asking you first.

Kurt to Burt, Blame It on the Alcohol


"I've tried watching those movies but I just get horribly depressed and I think about how they were all kids once, and how they all have mothers and - God, what would their mothers think of them and WHY would you get that tattoo there?"

Kurt to Blaine, Sexy


Can I be really honest with you.. because it comes from a place of caring? Been there, done that!

Kurt to Blaine


Kurt: Look, Blaine, I don't feel like we're the Warblers. I feel like we're 'Blaine and the Pips'.

Original Song


(After Kurt and Blaine's first kiss)
Blaine: We should practice
Kurt: I thought we were. (Both boys lean in for another kiss)

Kurt to Blaine, Original Song


Kurt: I just really, really wanted to win.
Blaine: You did win. So did I. We got each other out of all this. That's better than a lousy trophy, don't you think? (Blaine holds out his hand and Kurt takes it, and they walk away together)

Kurt and Blaine at Pavarotti's funeral, Original Song


Oh, how I've missed your insanity.

Kurt to Rachel, Rumours


Blaine Warbler will you go to Junior Prom with me?

Kurt to Blaine, Prom Queen


Eat your heart out, Kate Middleton.

—Kurt, Prom Queen


Doesn’t matter if they are yelling at me or whispering behind my back: they can’t touch me. They can't touch us or what we have.

—Kurt, Prom Queen


I think the color is wrong. Let’s go navy! It's chic and slimming.

Kurt to Lauren, Prom Queen


Go with God, Satan... Santana.

—Kurt, Prom Queen


Jesse St. James totally Jesse St. Sucks!

Kurt about Jesse, Funeral


Rachel: Don't use the fact that Jessie and I once had feelings for each other as an excuse for my inevitable win.
Kurt: Correction: You had feelings for him, he made breakfast on your head.

Kurt and Rachel, Funeral


She can be difficult, but, boy, can she sing.

Kurt about Rachel, Funeral


We have to go in. Strike that, we have to break in.

Kurt to Rachel, New York


Kurt: We all just looked at the top ten list for showcase and we all just went numb. And then Jesse just kept going on and on about how Rachel and Finn's kiss was what cost us nationals.
Blaine: While I do understand passion I do think that was unprofessional. Sorry keep going.
Kurt: And then we get back to the hotel, and Santana loses it.

Kurt and Blaine, New York


Kurt: I mean, on the plane ride home it was completely silent, like no one said a word. We just sat there with our faces buried in our complimentary issues of SkyMall.
Blaine: Wait a second...I don't get it. You don't seem that sad at all.
Kurt: It was still amazing. I mean, I flew in a plane for the first time in my life, I had breakfast at Tiffany's, I sung on a Broadway stage.
Blaine: I love you.
Kurt: [swallows his coffee with a shocked expression on his face, then silent for a few seconds] I love you too. You know when you stop to think about it, Kurt Hummel's had a pretty good year.

Kurt and Blaine, New York


Season Three

I want my senior year to be magic, and the only way that's gonna happen is if I get to spend every minute of every day with you.

Kurt to Blaine, The Purple Piano Project


I agree. That is like wearing a red dress to a bull fight.

Kurt to New Directions, The Purple Piano Project


Rachel: I've never been so humiliated in my life.
Kurt: Me either -- and that's a really high bar.

Kurt and Rachel , The Purple Piano Project


Finn and Rachel’s 'The Kiss That Missed' already has 20,000 views on YouTube. And the comments section is just full of pithy banter, like 'Why is that T-Rex eating the Jew?'

Kurt about Finn and Rachel, The Purple Piano Project


Coach Beiste: Isn't that a Streisand song?
Kurt: Don't worry. I got written permission from the woman herself: Rachel Berry.

Kurt and Coach Beiste, I Am Unicorn


I might as well have a big neon sign above my head that says 'gay-diddy-gay-gay-gay'.

Kurt to Brittany, I Am Unicorn


I don't know if you've noticed, but no one's really looking for a Kurt Hummel type to play the opposite Kate Hudson in a rom com.

Kurt to Burt, I Am Unicorn


Rachel, in ten years, when you look back at this time you'll not be thinking about clubs you belonged to or parts you had, you'll be thinking of the friends you had and the ones you just tossed aside.

Kurt to Rachel, Asian F


If anyone else got Tony, including me, the wrath of Sondheim would fall upon William McKinley like a plague of Shubert Alley locusts.

Kurt to Blaine, Asian F


Rachel: Sorry I'm late, I was putting up posters for...[sees Kurt glaring at her]...for my campaign.
Kurt: Did you airbrush out your jowls?

Kurt and Rachel, Pot o' Gold

Finn: What happens when the Pope dies?
Kurt: Heaven, you'd think.

Kurt and Finn

|reference = Pot o' Gold}}


Blaine: God. Roxy music makes me want to build a time machine just so I can go back to the '70s and give Brian Ferry a high five.
Kurt: Do you think I'm boring?
Blaine: Are you crazy? You're the single most interesting kid in all of Ohio.
Kurt: I mean, like...Sexually. I mean, we are playing it very safe by not granting our hands visas to travel south of the equator.
Blaine: Oh, I-I thought that's what we wanted.
Kurt: It is. I'm just wondering, have you ever had the urge just to rip off each other's clothes and get dirty?
Blaine: Uh, yeah. But that's why they invented masturbation.
Kurt: It's so hot in this room. Could we, could we open up a window?
Blaine: Hey, I'm serious. We're young. We're in high school. Yeah, we have urges, but whatever we do, I want to make sure that you're comfortable. So I can be comfortable. And besides, tearing off all of your clothes is sort of a tall order.
Kurt: Because of the layers?
Blaine: Because of the layers.

Blaine and Kurt, The First Time


Dave: I'm what they call a Bear Cub.
Kurt: Because you look like Yogi?

Kurt and Dave, The First Time


Rachel: I just really want to be your friend again.
Kurt: Well maybe you should have thought of that before you walked all over me on your borderline sociopathic climb to the top.

Kurt to Rachel, Mash Off


Kurt: I'm gonna lose unless I pull a JFK.
Rachel: You're gonna shoot Brittany?!

Kurt to Rachel, I Kissed a Girl


Kurt: I don't like you.
Sebastian: Fun... I don't like you either.
Kurt: I don't like the way you talk to my boyfriend, I don't like your smirky little meerkat face, I don't like your obnoxious CW hair. I'm on to you.
Sebastian: Let's get a few things straight, Blaine's too good for you, New Directions is a joke, and one of us has a hard luck case of the 'Gay Face' and it ain't me. Odds are by the end of the school year, I'll have Blaine and a Nationals trophy, and you'll have khakis and a Lima Bean apron and that gay face.
Kurt: You smell like Craigslist.

Kurt and Sebastian, Hold on to Sixteen


Oh my god, it's the gerber baby. Oh my god, she's good!

Kurt to Rachel about Harmony, Hold on to Sixteen


Does he live here or something? Seriously, you are always here!

Kurt (about Sebastian), Michael


I take a lot of crap from a lot of people, but I refuse to take it from Sebastian, the criminal chipmunk.

Kurt, Michael


Kurt: Why are you being so weird and serious? Our periods don't come until the end of the month.

Kurt to Rachel and Mercedes, The Spanish Teacher


Do you guys just, carry those around?

Kurt, (after Rory pulls out a four leaf clover), Heart


I'm sorry I didn't hear you, I was distracted by your giant horse teeth.

Kurt to Sebastian, On My Way


You give a bad name to the entire gay community.

Kurt to Sebastian about the fake photo of Finn, On My Way


Wait for the punch, you know it's coming.

Kurt to Blaine about Sebastian's kindness, On My Way


Kurt: Blaine, your brother's the best looking man in North America.

Kurt to Blaine about Cooper, Big Brother


Puck: We all know why we're here. I've waited 5 years for this. I want ideas for Senior Ditch Day, go!
Kurt: Oh, Gershwin song lines scavenger hunt!
Santana: That sounds like torture.
Puck: I want actual ideas, Kurt.
Mike: Footloose movie marathon. Footloose, Footloose 2011!
Mercedes: What about a non-alcoholic pub crawl?
Puck: It's Senior Ditch Day, not senior citizens ditch day.
Brittany: It's springtime, I'd like to see something give birth.

—Senior Class of WMHS 2012, Big Brother


You don't know what it's like being your boyfriend, okay? You are the alpha gay! Even Rachel wanted to make out with you.

Kurt to Blaine, Dance With Somebody


I was 9. Who knew paella was gonna be so complicated?

Kurt to Burt about wrecking the kitchen, Dance With Somebody


Kurt: I'm starting from scratch. I need something fresh. I need something edgy. Something completely unpredictable. Or maybe I just need more candles.
Blaine: Oh, God, no. No more candles.

Kurt to Blaine, Choke


What's wrong with you?

Kurt mouths to Blaine during Red Solo Cup, Hold on to Sixteen


Kurt: (dressed as Snooki) Trick or Treat Bada-bing
Blaine: (dressed as The Situation) What's a guy gotta do to get a candy situation up in here? (Chuckles)

Kurt and Blaine, Props


Afterwards we’re gonna make-out because your boobs look slightly bigger today for some reason

Kurt as Finn to Tina as Rachel, Props


Finn: Who told you, Kurt?
Rachel: No
(Kurt walks by)
Kurt: Yes

Kurt to Finn and Rachel, Extraordinary Merry Christmas

Season Four

So he was wearing a towel that was barely covering his twinkle tube? And he’s straight? Hot.

Kurt to Rachel about Brody, The New Rachel


The only cure to loneliness is cake.

Kurt to Rachel, Britney 2.0


I feel like unexpected leather should be in the back pages of The Village Voice.

Kurt to Isabelle, Makeover


I’m gonna take this down to the park and watch drug deals go down.

Kurt to Finn and Rachel about his breakfast, The Break-Up


Kurt: You okay?
Rachel: I just want to go home.
Kurt: I thought this was home.
Rachel: It doesn't feel like it anymore.

Kurt and Rachel, Glease


What are you gonna tell me?
That it wasn't serious?
That you only made out?
That you didn't care about him?
You think any of that matters to me?
Relationships are about trust. And I don't trust you anymore. I was stupid to come back.
Rachel's right. This isn't home anymore.

Kurt to Blaine, Glease


Kurt: You've said you're sorry a million times, and I believe you. And I'm trying to forgive you, but I'm just not there yet. But it's Thanksgiving and it's sectionals, and I miss you like crazy, and I can't stand not talking to you even though I'm mad at you, because you're still my best friend.
Blaine: You're mine, too.

Kurt to Blaine, Thanksgiving


The Winter Showcase is like the NYADA Met Ball. Ten students are invited to perform at the showcase a year. The cream of the cream. She handwrites and hand-delivers each invitation. Just getting invited is an honor. Former winners have gone on to win Emmys, Tonys, Golden Globes and even an Oscar. But they all agree. The proudest and greatest moment of their careers was when Carmen handed them that Golden Envelope

Kurt, Swan Song


Why is your boyfriend's bare ass on one of my vintage flea market chairs?

Kurt to Rachel, Naked


Kurt: A year ago you were all plaid skirts and “Do you think Finn really likes me?” and now you’re Slutty Barbie asking Misogynist Ken to move in with you, doing pornos. What’s happening to you?

Kurt to Rachel, Naked


Hello, my name is Kurt Hummel and I'll be auditioning for the role of... NYADA student.

Kurt, about Being Alive, Swan Song


Look at her. This class is supposed to be Free Sing for everyone, but Rachel hasn't stopped screeching like a third-rate Maria Callas since the bell rang. Because I'm her best friend, I can say this: Rachel's always been a little insufferable, but ever since she won Winter Showcase, her ego and behavior are out of control. At home, she uses up all the hot water, leaves rings in the tub, and don't get me started on the hair extensions clogging the sink. At school, she eschews my company and instead surrounds herself with easily awed sycophants. I always knew this would happen that, as Rachel's star rose, so, too, would her prima donna-like tendencies. Yes, it's become clear to me: This Sarah Brightman in training needs to be knocked down a few pegs, and I'm the only one who can do it.

Kurt, Diva (Episode)


You are a diva. And you have been a nightmare. But you're not a diva because you're a nightmare. You're a diva because you're talented, and ambitious, and because no one else in the world can do what you, Rachel Berry, can do. That's what being a diva's all about. Being an original. One of a kind. So hold the nightmare, but bring the diva.

Kurt to Rachel, Diva


Had I known I was gonna get groped in the back of a Prius, I would have brought a change of clothes. I'm gonna go in there looking like prom, the morning after.

Kurt to Blaine, I Do


Tell me that's not Tina again!

Kurt to Blaine, I Do


Mercedes: You do realize how trashy blasphemous this is, right?
Kurt: Mercedes, everyone hooks up at weddings.

Kurt and Mercedes, I Do


Okay, Tina. I say this with total love, but the moment we all saw coming is finally here. You're a hag. You're hagged out, you're in love with Blaine, and it's creepy. Stop.

Kurt to Tina, I Do


Did you vapo-rape my ex-boyfriend?! Don't you walk away from me Tina Cohen-Chang!

Kurt to Tina, I Do


I started ballet at the ripe old age of three. My mom enrolled me after seeing me in front of the TV jeteing and debouleing to the Blues Clues theme song. That ballet class was one of the few places that just seemed to fit. And even when I saw some of the kids and their parents laughing at me, something inside my little brain said, 'Screw them. Just go for it, Hummel.' My can-do attitude was born in that room.

Kurt, Lights Out


Two more days until Dad gets his test results. Either all of the stuff the doctors have been doing has worked and he's cancer-free or it hasn't. I have to be there for the appointment mostly to translate for Dad. Why do perfectly intelligent parents become completely unreliable when they have to go to the doctor? I'm only packing light blue socks because light blue is the color of clear skies, and that's what I'm hoping for. Yes, I'm getting a little OCD leading up to this appointment. Rachel said it was a natural response, just me looking to control my anxiety in some way. I figure I need to cut myself some slack. So what if I have a few new rituals to get me through the day? Oh, crap, it's 4:14. I touch my nose three times at 14 and 28 past the hour for good luck. I know every kid is scared of losing their dad, but he's the only thing that got me through my mom dying, and if I have to say good-bye to him, too, well, I'm not going to think about it.

Kurt, Wonder-ful


Tina: I love you, Mike. I love all my exes. But this isn't wonderful news, it's shocking. Now we need some guy to help us dance? Hashtag Gleehatesgirls. And What are you here to lecture us about, Kurt? Our horrible taste in clothing?
Kurt: My dad has cancer.
Blaine: Thanks, Tina.

Tina, Kurt and Blaine, Wonder-ful


Kurt: The last time I dedicated a song to you in this room, you were in the hospital. But today, we are celebrating life’s most treasured and wonderful gift: a second chance. See, when I was little, you used to sing this song to me in the car all the time, and it always put a smile on my face. So, today, it’s my turn to sing, and your turn to smile.

Kurt to Burt before singing You Are the Sunshine of My Life, Wonder-ful

Season Five

Three weeks to the day since his funeral, and it's the first time I've had the courage to even look at the suit I wore to it. And now back to Lima for a special memorial Mr. Schue is planning. We're all going back. Everyone who can. Being together is hard. It makes it more real, but I also need my friends right now. People keep asking me, 'How are you feeling? What are you feeling?' I have no answers. Honestly, what can you say about a 19-year-old who dies? Everyone wants to talk about how he died, too, but who cares? One moment in his whole life. I care more about how he lived. And anyone who has a problem with that should remember that he was my brother. This isn't real. I'm not going home for this. He's going to be there. I'm going to spend my entire life missing him.

Kurt in voiceover, The Quarterback


Santana: He was a much better person than I am.
Kurt: That is true. But Finn really cared about you. And I don't think he would've done all those things if he didn't think you were decent, too.

Kurt to Santana, The Quarterback


If there's one thing I've learned from Finn dying it's that shame is a wasted emotion. I'm sure Finn had secrets too, but who cares now? Do you really think that one day on your deathbed you're really going to think 'oh good, no one knew I was kind?'

Kurt to Santana, The Quarterback


Rachel, Finn wouldn't want you sitting on the sidelines while life passes you by.

Kurt to Rachel, A Katy or A Gaga


Look, I've been doing this weirdo, quirky, fabulous, outrageous sidekick best friend thing for a while now and it hasn't gotten me very far.

Kurt to Rachel, A Katy or A Gaga


Ever since Finn died, I've been going about my business, but I've also kind of been in a trance. And I guess I just needed to be shocked back to life.

Kurt to Rachel, The End of Twerk


Blaine: Do you want to know why we haven't been intimate? It's because I feel insecure around you. I feel insecure around my own fiancé, and fratboyphysicals.com isn't gonna judge me.
Kurt: And neither will I. Ever.

Kurt and Blaine, Tested


What do you think it's like to fly for the first time? I mean, here you are up in this nest, which is the only home you've ever known, and even though your DNA and millions of years of evolution are telling you that if you jump, you won't hit the ground like a stone, you can never really know. Relationships are like that.

Kurt to Blaine, The Untitled Rachel Berry Project

I realized that trust is a choice.

Kurt to Blaine, The Untitled Rachel Berry Project

Videos

Kurt Moments02:27

Kurt Moments

Kurt Hummelness12:06

Kurt Hummelness

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