Mercedes' Quotations are quotations made by Mercedes Jones, portrayed by Amber Riley.


Season One

Oh, hell to the no! Look, I'm not down with this background singing nonsense! I'm Beyoncé, I ain't no Kelly Rowland!

Mercedes to Will, Pilot

You're good, white boy. I'll give you that, but you better bring it.

Mercedes to Finn, Pilot

Damn! Don't you see what I got on?

Mercedes to Finn, Pilot

You're pretty fly for a white guy.

Mercedes to Mr. Shue, Showmance

Rachel: We need to have a gay-vention. That's a gay intervention.
Tina: It's K-K-Kurt. He's lady-fabulous.
Rachel: It's obvious you like him. We just don't want you to get hurt by feelings he can't... reciprocate.
Mercedes: Look. Just because he wears nice clothes, doesn't mean he's on the down low.
Rachel: He wore a corset to second period!
Tina: You can do better, Mercedes.
Mercedes: Really? Well, what if I can't? Now, there's not a lot of guys around here knocking down my door for a date. Or yours for that matter! Nobody notices us. Hello! We're in glee club! And I'm tired of being lonely, aren't you? Now, Kurt, Kurt is sweet to me. And he likes who I am, and I like how I feel when I'm with him. And he's in our group. He understands what I'm going through. Now, maybe that's not enough for you guys, but it's enough for me.

Mercedes, Rachel, and Tina, Acafellas

They said J. Lo's booty was too big.

Mercedes, Acafellas

Wait... I'm a 'Jet'?

Mercedes, Preggers

Kurt: You busted my window!
Mercedes: Well you busted my heart!

Mercedes and Kurt, Acafellas

Mercedes: Hey Kurt! I just wanted to say, I'm really sorry I did that to your car. I'll pay for it to get fixed!
Kurt: It's okay. My dad took my baby away when he found my tiara collection in my hope chest.
Mercedes: And I wanted to say, I hope it works out between you and Rachel. You'll have really cute, loud babies.
Kurt: Mercedes! I lied to you. I don't like Rachel... I'm gay.
Mercedes: Why didn't you just tell me?
Kurt: Because I've never told anyone before.
Mercedes: You shouldn't be ashamed of who you are, Kurt. You should just tell people. Especially the kids in glee! The whole point of the club is expressing what's really inside you, remember?

Mercedes and Kurt, Acafellas

Aaaaahhhh MY WEAVE!"

Mercedes, Mash-Up

Mercedes: Could we try something a little more... black?
Kurt: I agree. We do an awful lot of showtunes.
Rachel: It's glee club, not crunk club!
Mercedes: Don't make me take you to the carpet!
Will: Fantastic! Thank you, Mercedes! Kurt! Duly noted.

Mercedes, Kurt, Rachel and Will, Throwdown

Why do we need to go all vanilla on this song? What we need is my chocolate thunder.

Mercedes, Wheels

Alright, look. You need to get something through your mohawk real quick. You're the baby's daddy! It takes a hell of a lot more to be a father, and that role's already been cast because Quinn chose Finn. You need to accept that and move on because you have no business messing up that girl's life any more than you already have. You need to back off! You owe her at least that much.

Mercedes to Puck, Ballad

Mercedes: I can't be co-captain. No time. Kwanzaa!
Rachel: Kwanzaa's late December, Mercedes. The photo shoot's this Thursday.
Mercedes: Prepping early this year!

Mercedes and Rachel, Mattress

You know what, Miss Bossy Pants? Enough! I work just as hard as you and I'm just as good as you. You know you always end up taking the spotlight!

Mercedes to Rachel, Sectionals

Do I even need to tell you what song? Horns, strings, keep up.

Mercedes to Brad, Sectionals

The last guy I liked was the mayor of Gaytown.

Mercedes, The Power of Madonna

Y'all just trot me out at the end of every number so I can wail on the last note. How is that okay?

Mercedes to Will, The Power of Madonna

Kurt: You shouldn't be embarrassed about your body.
Mercedes: Embarrassed ? I'm worried about showing too much skin and causing a sex riot.

Mercedes, Home

You and me would not work out, we have nothing in common, you're Top 40. I'm Rhythm and Blues.

Mercedes to Puck, Laryngitis

Talk to the stick figure!

Mercedes to Will and Santana, Laryngitis

Look, Puck. I agreed to start dating you because you have great arms and we have serious musical chemistry. Both of which are really important to me. But clearly you've never dated a sistah before, and we have needs. As in, you need to stop flapping your gums about this video game nonsense and start finding out more about me. About who I am.

Mercedes to Puck, Laryngitis

Okay, I'm gonna ask you to stop, because I'm starting to get embarrassed for you.

Mercedes (to Puck), Laryngitis

And why does everyone just assume I'm angry all the time? It's called being sassy, Mr. Schue.

Mercedes to Will Schuester, Bad Reputation

(At the beginning of this year...)

I was a closeted Diva.

Mercedes to Will Schuester, Journey

Season Two

Kurt's right. We're a family. They can bring it all they want, none of it is going to break us.

Mercedes, Audition

What the hell is she talking about?

Mercedes, Britney/Brittany

Tina: I thought we couldn't sing songs about religion?
Mercedes: Evidentally, we can't sing about faith, but CAN sing about losing faith?

Tina and Mercedes, Grilled Cheesus

Mercedes: Why would I want to do a duet with you? We can't stand each other!
Santana: Look, Wheezie, I realized I tried to punch you a couple of times, and sometimes when you're not looking I put weird things in your food. But it's a new year. And you and I are the best singers at this school.
Mercedes: I don't know what the big deal is, it's just a free trip to Breadstix.
Santana: Um, I'm sorry. Have you been to Breadstix? They are legally forbidden to stop bringing you breadsticks. One time I brought a wheelbarrow and when the manager tried to stop me from filling it up, I called the corporate office and got her fired.
Mercedes:..... Well I guess our voices do sorta go together.
Santana: Mmmm, that's right, girl. So if we do a duet together, we will be the undisputed top bitches at this school.

Mercedes and Santana, Duets

Don't dream it. Be it.

Mercedes, The Rocky Horror Glee Show

Will: Now we're a little short on female roles, so we're gonna have to double up on Magentas and Columbias.
Rachel: It's standard practice on Broadway. It'll preserve your voices.
Mercedes: I'd like to preserve you... in a jar... in my basement.

Mercedes, Rachel, and Will, The Rocky Horror Glee Show

I want my tots!

—Mercedes, The Substitute

Sue:(holding up a large stalk of broccoli) Do you know what this is?

Mercedes: Toilet brush.

Mercedes to Sue, The Substitute

I've been a very good girl, Santa. I want a pony, and a doll that laughs and cries, and... one of us smells like McDonalds.

Mercedes to Santa, A Very Glee Christmas

Kill me now…I wanna die…

Mercedes, The Sue Sylvester Shuffle

The three of us are divas. Look at our idols: Whitney (Mercedes), Barbra (Rachel), Patti LuPone (Kurt). They all became stars while they were single. They took all the pain and loneliness, and they put it into their music. People could relate to it; everybody feels lonely. Harnessing this pain is why they became legends.

Mercedes to Rachel and Kurt, Silly Love Songs

I have had the worst hangover since Saturday and it's Monday.

Mercedes, Blame It on the Alcohol

Finn: Wait, cucumbers can give you AIDS!?

Mercedes: Seriously? 'Cause I just had them on my salad.


But my butt, Mr. Schue, that song was amazing.

—Mercedes to Mr. Schuester, Original Song

I just don't get it. Why are you a bigger star than me?

Mercedes to Rachel, A Night of Neglect

At this school, the thing that makes you different is the thing that people use to crush your spirit.

Mercedes, Born This Way

You guys are ruining the vibe. Quinn you look hot, Finn you look handsome. Love you guys... but get lost.

—Mercedes to (Finn and Quinn), Prom Queen

I thought this song was about a baby.

Mercedes, about Isn't She Lovely, Prom Queen

No need to warm up, Rachel. I'm about to go wrap this thing up like a Christmas present.

Mercedes to Rachel, Funeral

Not too lazy to come up there and let you taste my fist.

Mercedes to Jesse St. James, Funeral

Season Three

My alarm clock went off 30 minutes late. Sort of reshifted by whole schedule.

Mercedes, Asian F

Everyone knows that Rachel is your favorite. You give that skinny, geranimal-wearing ass-kisser everything. And for two years, I took it. But not anymore. I’m done. I’ve outgrown you. I’ve outgrown all of you.

Mercedes to Will at the Booty Camp, Asian F

Why is it that no one ever wants to hurt her feelings? You know, it’s always been The Rachel Berry Show around here, but it’s not gonna be for me. No, not my senior year.

Mercedes about Rachel, Asian F

Mercedes: I don't want to see the spectacle that is Michael. I want to be the spectacle that is Michael.

Mercedes to New Directions, Michael

Mercedes: Sam just tweeted that I smell good.
Sam: I won't stop until it's trending.

Mercedes and Sam to Emma, The Spanish Teacher

One in every ten people are gay, and if that's true, then one of the Apostles might have been gay. My guess is Simon 'cause that name's the gayest.

Mercedes to The God Squad, Heart

Mercedes: I most look forward to meeting Rachel Berry's children.

Mercedes to New Directions, On My Way

Sue: Hey Mercedes, who ya' texting?
Mercedes: I'm not texting anyone, I'm... donating to the Obama campaign?
*Sues chucks phone*
Mercedes: My droid!

Sue and Mercedes, Big Brother

Puck: We all know why we're here. I've waited 5 years for this. I want ideas for Senior Ditch Day, go!
Kurt: Oh, Gershwin song lines scavenger hunt!
Santana: That sounds like torture.
Puck: I want actual ideas, Kurt.
Mike: Footloose movie marathon. Footloose, Footloose 2011!
Mercedes: What about a non-alcoholic pub crawl?
Puck: It's Senior Ditch Day, not senior citizens ditch day.
Brittany: It's springtime, I'd like to see something give birth.

—Senior Class of WMHS 2012, Big Brother

I’m cream in here, but what if out there I’m just skim milk?

Mercedes to Will, Saturday Night Glee-ver

A part of me wants to lock these doors and stay in here with everyone forever

Mercedes to New Directions, Goodbye

Season Five

I remember Finn telling me that he sang this song to his baby's sonagram - well, he thought it was his baby. He was the first cool kid to be nice to any of us and he was our leader in here. We love you Finn.

Mercedes, The Quarterback

A diva-off? Oh, hell to the yes!

Mercedes to Rachel, 100

Sam: Have you ever heard of the term "high, dry, and suffering"?
Mercedes: Have you ever heard of the term "hell to the no"?

Mercedes and Sam, Tested

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