A list of quotations made by Noah Puckerman, portrayed by Mark Salling.
Season One[]
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Chicks don't have prostates! I looked it up. |
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What do you want me to do? Apologize? That's not me, dude. |
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So, what, you're joining Homo Explosion now? |
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Buenos nachos, Mr. Schue. |
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Are you kidding? Those skirts are crunchy toast. Santana Lopez bent over in hers the other day, and I swear I could see her ovaries. |
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Cougar: Is that a nipple ring? |
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There are moms at your gigs, right? |
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Dude, my bowels have better moves than you. |
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That's 'cause I'm a stud, dude. I could wear a dress to school and people would think it's cool. |
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What the hell does Beyoncé have to do with football?! |
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So we're taking coaching advice from Lance Bass now? |
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I knew it. You're in love with Kurt. |
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'Sup MILF. |
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Well call the Vatican! We got ourselves another Immaculate Conception! |
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I'd take care of it, you know. You too. |
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Yeah, a gay team. A big, gay team of dancing gays. |
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Dude, we'll be jokes for the rest of our high school lives! |
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Hey, ankle-grabber, I had sex with your mother. No seriously, I cleaned your pool, then I had sex with her in your bed. Nice Star Wars sheets. |
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That Rachel chick makes me wanna light myself on fire, but she can sing. |
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Sue: So, your last name is Puckerman, huh? |
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Rachel was a hot Jew and the good Lord wanted me to get into her pants. |
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Are you questioning my badassness? Have you seen my guns? |
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Puck: Wanna make out? |
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Quinn: I don't care if that baby comes out with a mohawk, I'll go to my grave swearing that it's Finn's. Puck: It would be pretty cool if it came out with a mohawk. Quinn: You're such an egghead. Puck: I'm not. Quinn: (Smashes egg on his head) |
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(Thinking) I love the days when I don't wear underwear. Full Commando. |
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I bet you thought that Bert and Ernie were just roommates too. |
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I want to be with you |
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—Puck to Quinn, Sectionals |
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Puck: I'm not breaking up with you. I'm just saying please stop super-sizing because I don't dig on fat chicks. |
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Will (After writing 'Madonna' on board):"What comes to mind when you see that name? |
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I think we're gonna need a new baritone, 'cause Finn would like to become Finnessa. |
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God, I’m so tired of people judging me for a few mistakes I’ve made. I’ve tried to be a good guy, I go to school and I say “be cool Puck, be nice” but by second period I’ve got a fire extinguisher in my hand and I’m spraying some dweeb with it and I don’t know how I got there. |
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—Puck to Rachel, Bad Reputation |
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Puck: I feel like that guy who lost all his hair and lost all his strength. |
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—Puck and Santana, Laryngitis |
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Get ready, black girl from glee whose name I can't remember right now: The Puckster is about to make you his. |
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Puck: "Quinn and I weren't dating. She was dating someone else; we just did the nasty. And she understood you can't tie me down. I’m a sex shark; if I stop moving, I die." |
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Puck: (to Mercedes) "Girl, you got more curves than a Nissan ad." |
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Puck: "My mom found a mole on my head when she was washing my hair on Friday." |
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—Puck and Santana, Laryngitis |
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Puck: "I mean, it’s just a mohawk, right? I’m still Pucksaurus.." |
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—Puck and Santana, Laryngitis |
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Puck: You're wrong. It's a really good name. It's a rockstar name. |
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—Puck and Quinn, Theatricality |
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Puck: "They called Paul Stanley 'The Starchild' because he was romantic or something but that doesn't really explain my whore lips." |
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Puck: "While Jackie Daniels is a great name for like a power boat or something, it's not right for a baby girl." |
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—Puck to Quinn, Theatricality |
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Puck: "I know you're giving her up, but before you do I think you should name her Beth. If you'll let me, I'd really like to be there when she's born. I'd really like to meet her." |
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—Puck to Quinn, Theatricality |
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Puck: "Can I be shirtless under this apron?" |
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Revenge? Fear? The merciless infliction of pain? These are my kingdoms. |
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Will: Funk. Use it in a sentence... Come on. Rachel? |
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You're not going to fondle us, are you Mr. Ryerson? |
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Quinn: Did you love me? |
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Puck: "Life's just a bunch of experiences, you know? You don't get a medal at the finish line for being good. You just get dead." |
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(At the beginning of this year...) |
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—Puck to Mr. Schuester, Journey |
Season Two[]
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Dude, your mouth is huge. How many tennis balls can you fit in there? |
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Can you sing with that big mouth? |
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Let me tell you, chicks DIG singers. |
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—Puck and Finn, Grilled Cheesus |
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Oh, I got no problem with the guy. I'm a total Jew for Jesus. He's my number one Heb. What I don't like seeing is people using J-Money to cramp everyone else's style 'cause it seems to me that true spirituality or whatever you want to call it is about enjoying the life that you've been given. I mean, I see God every time I make out with a new chick. |
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—Puck when Finn asks Puck if he has a problem with Jesus, Grilled Cheesus |
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At this time, I'd like to continue my streak of only doing songs by Jewish artists. |
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Are you kidding me? I ruled that place. All I did was crack skulls and lift weights all day. |
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—Puck when he comes back from juvie, Never Been Kissed |
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You two show up at Breadstix tomorrow night around 7 and if we don't find hotter chicks to date, we might show up. |
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—Puck to Santana and Brittany, Never Been Kissed |
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I flex my left pec, then I flex my right pec, and I say to the guy, ‘Leggo my Eggo.’ And you know what he does? He let’s go of my Eggo! |
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—Puck talking about juvie, Never Been Kissed |
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You want her? You don’t need any cash for that. She’s free. |
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—Puck to Artie (about Brittany), Never Been Kissed |
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I don't pay for food. It's my thing, yo. We're gonna dine and dash. |
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—Puck to Artie, Never Been Kissed |
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You really can't put a dollar amount on the combination of talent plus fear. |
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—Puck to Artie, Never Been Kissed |
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There's no way I'm going back to juvie. There's no chicks and no kosher meals in that place. |
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—Puck to Artie, Never Been Kissed |
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Whoa slow down Professor X. I never said anything about liking you. |
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—Puck to Artie, Never Been Kissed |
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The thing about chicks is that you only have to be a fraction as nice to them as you were mean to them to get them to like you again. |
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Have fun taking the short bus home while I take these two ladies back to Chez Puck for a little suckie suckie. |
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—Puck to Artie, Never Been Kissed |
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Mercedes: How are we supposed to compete against a bunch of adorable old people? Puck: Are you kidding? Brittle bones. Give one of those old ladies a good luck pat on the rear, it’ll shatter her pelvis. |
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Watch and learn, young Jedi in a wheelchair. |
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—Puck to Artie, Never Been Kissed |
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[kisses his muscles] These guns are fully loaded. |
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—Young Puck, The Substitute |
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Finn: Dude, what are you doing? Puck: Kurt got us a substitute, so I'm buttering the floor. Finn: Are you nuts? Sectionals is in like 2 weeks! Artie: Hey Gigantor, we're all gonna swap names yo. Rachel(walks in): Hey did you guys hear something about a substitu.....(slips on buttered floor). Puck: YES!!! It works! |
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Holly: Rachel-you suck. You're like a total drag. Has anyone ever told you that? Puck: I have. |
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Mr. Schue is the only teacher who has really touched me. Well, other than Mr. Ryerson. |
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—Puck to Sue, The Substitute |
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Seriously like, we can form a perimeter around you like the Secret Service. |
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All I can say is that I didn't steal that soda machine, and if I did, I didn't do it alone. |
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Mr. Schuester: Glee needs you to be its ambassador. Puck: More like it’s am-BAD-ASS-ador. |
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Don't push me Karofsky. You pushed my boy Kurt out of here. Juvie or no, you're already number one on my list to go all Death Star on. |
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Not the face! Not the face! |
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—Puck to Football Team, Special Education |
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I have to say, she kind of rocked my world. |
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—Puck (about Lauren), Special Education |
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Rachel: Have you been working out? Your your arms bigger. Puck: It's the steriods. |
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Buddha, Allah, Satan, help me! |
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Are you an angel? |
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—Puck after Lauren gets him out of the port-a-potty, Special Education |
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Rachel: Wait so everyone knew about this but me? Santana: Pretty much. Nobody tells you anything because A) You're a blabbermouth and B) We all just pretend to like you. Puck: That's not true. I kinda like her. |
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Rachel (cheating on Finn with Puck): Is something wrong? Did I bite you again? Puck: I did this to Finn once before. I can't do it again. I'm sorry. I have to go. |
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Boyfriend troubles. I got that covered. Considering I'm usually the cause of them I'd say I'm an expert. |
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—Puck to Rachel, Special Education |
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Look after six hours in the Porta-John, Ozzy himself would have turned to God. I prayed. I promised if he got me out of there I would start being nicer to people. Then I realized there was no way I could do that so I changed it to just Jews. |
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—Puck to Rachel, Special Education |
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[About Bruce Springsteen]... He's on the cover of Times and Newsweek in the same week... those are magazines. |
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—Puck to Football Team, Special Education |
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I'm not big on reading rulebooks. Actually, I'm not big on reading. |
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Mr. Schuester: Now, normally I would go to Finn and Rachel in this situation, but I think you might be the most known student in this school. Puck: There's a method to my madness. |
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Rachel: I can't believe that teacher let those students speak to us like that. Puck: I can't believe she threw a shoe at us. |
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Mr. Schuester: Things haven’t turned out exactly how I would’ve liked them to this year, but Christmas is all about being grateful for the things that did. Puck: I thought that was Thanksgiving? |
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Beiste: Why me? Puck: Well you've got the perfect Santa bodytype. Beiste: Watch it, Puckerman! |
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This was my Uncle's . . . And the first thing I stole. |
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—Puck donates his watch, A Very Glee Christmas |
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Finn: We're in Glee club! What's the big deal!? Strando: It's embarrassing! We're dudes! Getting all hot and bothered about singing a Ke$ha song? It's freaking weird. Puck: Yeah? Well maybe you'll think it's cooler when I go all Tik Tok on your face. |
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Puck: Cause I got your girlfriend pregnant. And then I made out with your other girlfriend. Finn: Yeah. |
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—Puck to Finn in The Sue Sylvester Shuffle |
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You’re all a bunch of cowards. Coward losers. You know, this is it. This is the moment of our lives… this is the one we can actually look back and tell our children about. This is our moment to actually win something, and you guys are sitting in the damn stands. I mean, you’re so afraid of being called geeks or losers or gay, that you settle for being nothing. |
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—Puck to the football players, The Sue Sylvester Shuffle |
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We all know I’m not the smartest guy in the world. But there are two lessons I learned the hard way. One: Never punch a cop. The other one? You can’t choose love. Love chooses you. I mean, I could have any girl I wanted. But here I am in the middle of geometry or English or something and the only girl I’ve got my eye on is a whole lotta woman. |
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—Puck about Lauren, Silly Love Songs |
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Maybe it’s because she’s constantly insulting me like my mom. Maybe I just dig a chick with curves. |
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So please. What do I have to do to get with you. |
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—Puck to Lauren, Silly Love Songs |
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Can I touch your knockers now? |
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Dude, that haircut makes your mouth look even bigger. |
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Do dudes ever get erections when they wrestle with you? |
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We underestimated the power of the Biebs. |
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—Puck and Mr. Schue, A Night of Neglect |
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Rachel: You can't be in here, Noah. Puck: It's cool. I looked through the peep hole I drilled last year to make sure no one was going. |
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—Puck and Rachel, Born This Way |
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—Lauren and Puck, Born This Way |
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I wanna throw stuff off the Brooklyn Bridge. |
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Season Three[]
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She was the one that got away. Very slowly. |
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—About Lauren in The Purple Piano Project |
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God, no. |
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I. Am. In. HELL. |
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—About booty camp in I Am Unicorn |
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Shelby: "How do you know where I live?"
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—Puck and Shelby, I Am Unicorn |
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Here's a drug test. See? Totally clean. I also haven't had a drink since we last talked, besides beer. I even did some homework. Turns out, Napoleon? Not just a dessert, he was a real dude. |
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—Puck to Shelby, I Am Unicorn |
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Puck: (about Beth) Oh my God, she looks like Quinn. Shelby: And you. She has that same dopey smile. |
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I was happy to know that she's with you. It made it easier |
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—Puck to Shelby about Beth, I Am Unicorn |
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I'll do anything. Anything to prove to you that I can be in her life. Please just give me that chance. |
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—Puck to Shelby about Beth, I Am Unicorn |
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—Puck and Quinn, I Am Unicorn |
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I'm proud of you. |
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—Puck to Quinn, I Am Unicorn |
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I know I’m supposed to be learning about grammars and stuff, but all I can think about is what color underwear Ms. C is wearing and if she knows how to dance. |
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Number one, you're hot. Number two, I'm hot. Number three, Beth needs a dad. |
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—Puck listing reasons why he and Shelby should date, Mash Off |
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Rory: Excuse me, I've never heard of this game of dodging balls. What are the rules? |
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Thanks for the offer but I'd rather raw dog a beehive. |
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I let you down, we all did. We just spent a whole week helping Santana with a secret everybody already knows and not one person took ten seconds to help you. And you’re a freakin’ mess. You have been for three years, ever since I knocked you up. You don’t need a baby or a dude or anyone to make you special. If there’s one person that I’m sure is gonna get the hell out of this town and make something of herself, it’s you. |
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—Puck to Quinn, I Kissed a Girl |
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Dude, you told them what we were gonna do — you're like a modern-day eggs benedict. |
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Puck: We all know why we're here. I've waited 5 years for this. I want ideas for Senior Ditch Day, go! |
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—Senior Class of WMHS 2012, Big Brother |
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I would totally put that suit on. Ebay. |
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—Puck, Saturday Night Glee-ver |
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Two dudes in one bed is, like confirmed gay. |
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—Puck, Saturday Night Glee-ver |
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I called dibs on all the chicks whose boobs aren’t done growing yet. |
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I might not graduate, but it’s OK because gowns are for ladies and tassels are for strippers. |
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I appreciate the bro-vention, but I just told her that so I could get a sympathy pants massage. |
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I’m not buying you. Just give me a D minus and I’ll tickle your thighs. |
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I'm not good at world geography but I'm real good at female geography. |
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You guys showed me what it’s like to be a man. Not just last night, but for four years. Even you, Blaine. |
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Season Four[]
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You think you're a bad-ass, nailin a bunch of chicks, beating some punks in the cafeteria. I'm the original bad-ass and I had my first threesome at seven and once I beat up a police horse. |
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—Puck to Jake, Britney 2.0 |
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What's up half bro with the afro? |
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—Puck to Jake, Dynamic Duets |
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Dude, if you start crying, I'm gonna kick your ass. Group hug! |
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—Puck to Finn, Thanksgiving |
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I know how to spell. Leave my brother A-L-O-N. |
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—Puck to Kitty, Sadie Hawkins |
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Don't worry little brother from a different coloured mother, I'll make her go away. |
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—Puck to Jake, Sadie Hawkins |
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Stay away from my little bro. He’s not interested in your skanky Meow Mix. |
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—Puck to Kitty, Sadie Hawkins |
Season Five[]
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Shannon: You're drunk. |
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—Puck (drunk) and Shannon, The Quarterback |
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Shannon: You don't have to be scared to have feelings. |
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—Puck and Shannon, The Quarterback |
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You know what's tripping me out is this line between the two years. It's his whole life. Everything that happened is in that line. |
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—Puck to Shannon about Finn, The Quarterback |
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That sweater's legit. |
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