Puck: Dude, your mouth is huge. How many tennis balls can you fit in there?

Sam: I don't know, I've never had any balls in my mouth...have you?

—Puck to Sam, Audition

Finn: Hey man, why didn't you show at the audition?

Sam: I wanted to. I really did. But after what Coach Beiste did to you...do you know what everyone says about you Glee guys?

Finn: Oh, yeah. You get used to all that.

Sam: Finn, I'm the new guy. That means I'm already on the outside looking in. I don't want to start off 3 touchdowns behind.

—Finn to Sam, Audition

Sam: I'm Sam. Sam I am. And I don't like Green Eggs and Ham.

Santana: (scoffs) He has no game.

—Sam and Santana, Duets

Lor menori. It means you have pretty eyes.

—Sam to Quinn, Duets

Sam: I love astronomy. Something about all that space makes my problem seem kind of small. That one's Venus, Planet of Love.

Quinn: Actually, it's Mars, Planet of War.

Sam: Which one are we on?

—Sam to Quinn, Duets

Kurt: You know, they make special shampoo for color-treated hair...

Sam: I DON'T dye my hair!

Kurt: Uh-huh.

—Kurt to Sam, Duets

Quinn: Did this stuff, the impersonations and the Navi, work on the girls at your old school?

Sam: I don't know. I went to an all boys boarding school.

Quinn: Mmmmm, makes sense.

—Quinn to Sam, Duets

He (Kurt) emailed me like 60 MP3s of him singing and I thought he was Faith Hill.

—Sam to Finn, Duets

Sam: I joined up because I’m new here and you said it would make me popular, and now you’re telling me it’s gonna get me killed.

Finn: Yeah, well, eventually you’re gonna get popular from it, believe me. But until then? You gotta lay low a little bit, and singing a duet with another dude is not laying low.

Sam: I didn’t realize you had a problem with gay dudes.

Finn: Look, I don’t have a problem with gay dudes - everyone else does, and we’re living in their world. And in their world, you singing a duet with Kurt is a death sentence.

Sam: Well, I gave him my word. In my world, that’s that.

—Sam to Finn, Duets

Mr. Schuester: Sam, I thought you could play the role of the creature.

Sam:...of the Black Lagoon?

—Will to Sam, The Rocky Horror Glee Show

Santana: Better start working on those abs.

Sam: Are you kidding me? You can cut glass with these babies. I have no problem showing off my body.

—Santana to Sam, The Rocky Horror Glee Show

Sam: Chicken, egg whites, fish (no salmon), oatmeal, brown rice but not after 6 PM, no butter or oil, and no soda...

Finn: That’s all you eat?

Sam: Ain’t no carpool lane to sexy.

—Sam to Finn, The Rocky Horror Glee Show

I feel fat, like I had rolls hanging over those gold shorts.

—Sam, The Rocky Horror Glee Show

I got asked to be June in the Men of Mckinley High Calendar.

—Sam, The Rocky Horror Glee Show

Brittany: I'm super looking foward to seeing Sam in his gold bikini.

Sam: It's gonna be ab-ulous.

—Brittany to Sam, The Rocky Horror Glee Show

If you get up on that stage and look like the Pillsbury Dough Boy there’s no way you’re staying popular.

—Sam to Finn, The Rocky Horror Glee Show

Is there a way I could wear some gold board shorts or something? These are really short. I’m afraid I’m going to show off some nuttage.

—Sam to Mr. Schuester, The Rocky Horror Glee Show

The Brad part isn’t about looking hot. It’s about being confident in who you are and how you look no matter how douchey you are. That guy is totally cool with being uncool.

—Sam to Finn, the Rocky Horror Glee Show

Just be you and the sexy will flow through.

—Sam to Finn, The Rocky Horror Glee Show

Finn: Yeah you're right. I don't need to hide behind my muscles like you do.

Sam: Awesome...I think. Wait, are you insulting me?

—Finn to Sam, The Rocky Horror Glee Show

Damn those cool ranch Doritos.

—Sam, The Rocky Horror Glee Show

Finn: Dude, how can you stand those cold baths?

Sam: I'm used to cold showers dating Quinn.

—Finn to Sam, Never Been Kissed

(Finn shares his technique for controlling his urges with Sam)

Finn: I just kinda think of the opposite of what I'm doing.

(Flashback to hitting the mailman)

Sam: Okay, I've never actually hit a Civil Service worker with my car though.

—Finn to Sam, Never Been Kissed

(Watching Coach Beiste yell at Artie)...

Finn: Hey, you ever notice how when the Beiste gets all riled up her underpants go right up her butt?

Sam: Looks like I found my mailman.

—Finn to Sam, Never Been Kissed

These galactic mobiles aren't the stars of McKinley. We are. At least I want us to be.

—Sam to Quinn, Furt

If you accept, this ring will symbolize my promise to you to be true, to never pressure you to do anything more than kiss, to listen to your problems, to tell you when you have food in your teeth or eye gunk, to come over to your house whenever you need something super heavy to move around. I promise to make you feel proud when you walk down the hall and say, "That dude's my boyfriend." I promise to do all of those things without trying to sound like Matthew McConaughey.

—Sam to Quinn, Furt

Chapstick. Lots of Chapstick.

—Sam's Christmas wish, A Very Glee Christmas

(Sam’s suggestion for how to explain to Brittany that Santa can’t make Artie walk...)

Tell her the elves are working on it. Elves have awesome cord blood for stem cell research, but these advances are a few years away.

—Sam to Coach Beiste, A Very Glee Christmas

I'm pretty, but I ain't dumb.

—Sam, Silly Love Songs

My dad always said there were two ways to get a girl to love you: take her hunting, and rock n roll.

—Sam, Comeback

Who is more rock n roll than Justin Bieber? No one. That's who.

—Sam, Comeback

Sam: [stops Santana from singing] Okay, could we stop? Stop with the mouth jokes.

Santana: Sit down. I'm not finished.

Sam: Yes you are! Mr. Schue, we are not doing a song at Regionals called Trouty Mouth.

—Sam and Santana, Original Song

Sam: Why didn't you tell us?

Tina:, Brittany:, Mike:, and Artie: We did!

—Sam, A Night of Neglect

Rachel: Hey.

Sam: Why are you talking to me?

Rachel: Can't I say hello?

Sam: I guess, it's just, Santana told me to never speak alone with you, cause you would try to steal all of my gold.

—Sam and Rachel, Rumours

Hey, you got a lot of nerve accusing me of cheating, when you're the one who snuck in and stole my girl!

—Sam to Finn, Rumours

Sam: Mercedes, I just wanted to tell you that you look beautiful. Would you like to dance?

Mercedes: I'd love to.

—Sam and Mercedes, Prom Queen

Normally, I’d agree with you Finn, but this is the big time. I think we should listen to Jesse.

—Funeral

Puck: You're in New York, the city of love.

Sam: I thought that was Paris.

—Sam to Puck, New York

If I was in love with a girl and I wasn’t homeless, I’d totally go for it.

—Sam Evans, New York

I don't care how big or bad your boyfriend is. I'm going to fight to get you back.

—Sam to Mercedes, Hold on to Sixteen

It's because I'm white right?

—Sam to Mercedes, Yes/No

Mercedes: Sam Evans, you are crazy!

Sam: (smiles) Crazy about you.

—Between Sam and Mercedes, Michael

I won't stop until it's trending.

—Sam to Mercedes, The Spanish Teacher

What's with the Tarantula Head over here?

—Sam to Mercedes about Joe, Heart

Well, the Bible says it's an abomination for a man to lay down with another man, but we shared tents in Cub Scouts and slept next to each other all the time...which would make Cub Scouts an abomination.

—Sam, Heart

Well, maybe he wanted to, but didn't want to hurt Simon's feelings.

—Sam to Quinn, Heart

When the Bible was written, things were easier. There was no Internet, chicks didn’t wear short skirts or anything. I’m a good Christian, but there’s just no way a dude’s gonna be able to resist

—Sam to Joe, Dance With Somebody

Here’s the thing about me: I can be super helpful, but when you ask me stuff you have to be real specific

—Sam to Joe, Dance With Somebody

Does your head hurt? Cuz sometimes after I take a test my head hurts. It’s usually a good sign.

—Sam to Puck, Choke

The best thing about glee club is it's not about labels. If you can sing and you can dance, you belong. And dude, you can sing.

—Sam to Marley, The New Rachel

Sam: Well, you have a new friend, and he's blonde.

(beat)

Sam: I was talking about me.

—Sam to Brittany, Britney 2.0

What's a debate?

—Sam to Blaine, Makeover

What do you mean, Pilgrim?

—Sam to Blaine, Makeover

I want to sit under Uranus.

—Sam, Sadie Hawkins

I think you're sorta hot. I mean, if I were in a bunker with you I'd totally hit that.

—Sam to Tina, Sadie Hawkins

Who says you can’t pack a little extra? I like baby socks. Now just make sure the sock is clean, so you don’t get any athlete’s foot on your junk.

—Sam, Naked

My washboard’s gonna make you look like a bloated white Bob Marley.

—Sam to Joe, Naked

Mom, dad, I love you guys. And, there is a cat in my back pack, in my locker. Please feed her for me.

—Sam to [his parents on a video message], Shooting Star