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Santana's Quotations

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Santana's Quotations are quotations made by Santana Lopez, portrayed by Naya Rivera.

Season One

Showmance

Get a room!

Santana to Mr. Schuester and Emma, Showmance


The Rhodes Not Taken

Kurt: Can we talk about the giant elephant in the room?
Santana: Your sexuality?

Santana and Kurt, The Rhodes Not Taken


Vitamin D

We know. You've been berating us for the better part of an hour.

Santana to Rachel, Vitamin D


Wheels

Wait. You're joking, right? I mean, bake sales are kind of bougie.

Santana to Mr. Schuester, Wheels


Hairography

Santana: While you were playing house, Puck was sexting me.
Quinn: Sexting?
Santana: Sexy texting, seriously what era are you from?

Santana and Quinn, Hairography


Sectionals

Santana: Look, we may still be Cheerios, but neither of us ever gave Sue the set list.
Brittany: Well... I did. But I didn't know what she was gonna do with it.
Santana: Okay, look... believe what you want, but no one's forcing me to be here. And if you tell anyone this, I'll deny it - but I like being in Glee Club. It's the best part of my day, okay? I wasn't gonna go and mess it up.

Brittany and Santana, Sectionals


Artie: We assumed it was you.
Santana: Why would I do that?
Kurt: To get back at Puck, aren't you guys dating?
Santana: Sex is not dating.

Santana, Artie and Kurt, Sectionals


Hell-O

Santana: Hottest guys in school. Go.
Brittany: OK. Puck's super fine. Finn's cute too.
Santana: Yea, but he's not hot.
Brittany: He's really not.
Santana: And you know what, Brit? I think that dwarf girlfriend of his is dragging down his rep. I mean, if he were dating, say, popular pretty girls like us, he would go from dumpy to smokin'.

Santana and Brittany, Hell-O


Let us give you an introduction into the way we work. You buy us dinner, we make out in front of you. It's like, the best deal ever.

Santana to Finn, Hell-O


You know what actually, would you mind waiting in the car? Oh, and leave your credit card.

Santana to Finn, Hell-O


Santana: This food was unsatisfactory.
Brittany: There was a mouse in mine.
Waitress: But you ate it all.
Santana: Look, I'm pretty sure you have to do what we say. And we'd like more please.

Brittany, Santana and Waitress, Hell-O


Brittany: Did you see what Rachel was wearing today?
Santana: Oh, I know! She looked like Pippi Longstocking, but like, Israeli.

Santana and Brittany, Hell-O


The Power of Madonna

Everything about you screams virgin. You're about as sexy as a Cabbage Patch Kid. It's exhausting to look at you.

Santana to Finn, The Power of Madonna


Rachel: Can I ask you guys something?
Santana: Yes, you should move to Israel.

Rachel and Santana, The Power of Madonna


Santana: Hey Finnocence. I was thinking, we should go out, just you and me.
Finn: Will you talk to me this time?
Santana: I don't really talk during.

Santana and Finn, The Power of Madonna


Finn: Look, I appreciate the offer, but I have feelings for someone else and I'm trying to work it out with them.
Santana: Who, Rachel? She's dating Jesse.
Finn: No she's not.
Santana: Please,she's like a cat in heat. She talked about him yesterday and practically sprayed the choir room.

Finn and Santana, The Power of Madonna


I meant, it's a Win-Win for me. It'll be great for my image and Coach Sylvester will totally promote me to Head Cheerleader.

Santana to Finn, The Power of Madonna


He's a spy, Mr. Schue! I should know!

Santana (about Jesse), -The Power of Madonna


Home

Weren't roller rinks outlawed in, like, 1981 for being totally lame?

Santana, Home


Laryngitis

What difference does it make? Everyone knows my role here is to look hot.

Santana to Mr. Schuester, Laryngitis

Enjoy it while you can, Weezy. His hair's already starting to grow back.

Santana to Mercedes, Laryngitis

Bad Reputation

Why are we playing this game? We all know it was Puck.

Santana to Mr. Schuester, Bad Reputation

Funk

You haven't deleted his number yet.

Santana, Funk


Journey

(At the beginning of this year...) I hated everyone in this club.

Santana, Journey

Season Two

Audition

Jacob (noticing Santana's boob job): How was YOUR summer?
Santana: My eyes are up here, Jewfro. And it was uneventful.

Santana and Jacob Ben Israel, Audition


Santana: You did this to me! You told coach Sylvester about my summer surgery!
Quinn: You have surgery when you get your Appendix out. You got a BOOB JOB.
Santana: Yep. Sure did. (slaps Quinn across face)

Quinn and Santana, Audition


Oh, please! She has a family! She's a mother!

Santana to Mr. Schuester (about Quinn), Audition


Britney/Brittany

Well, congratulations. Normally you dress like a fantasy of a perverted Japanese business man with a very dark specific fetish but I actually dig this look. Yay. (Claps)

Santana to Rachel, Britney/Brittany


Santana: Can I just say you are the hottest dentist I've ever seen?
Carl: I get that all the time.
Santana: You can drill me any time.

Santana and Carl, Britney/Brittany


Look, my dad's a doctor, and not a tooth doctor, a real one. He goes to college or something. which means I have a killer health plan which pays for everything. So get up in my grill, 'cause Brits and I wants to get our anesthesia on.

Santana to Carl, Britney/Brittany


There you go, Blue Tooth.

Santana to Artie, Britney/Brittany


Duets

I'm like a lizard. I need something warm beneath me or else I can't digest my food.

Santana to Brittany, Duets


How can you do a duet by yourself? That's like vocal masturbation.

Santana to Kurt, Duets


Look, I don't mean to be a bitch...well actually I do.

Santana to Artie, Duets


Brittany: Sweet lady kisses.
Santana: It's a nice break from all that scissoring.

Brittany and Santana, Duets


Sam: I'm Sam. Sam I am. And I don't like Green Eggs and Ham.
Santana: He has no game.

Sam and Santana, Duets


Santana: And just so you know, I bought custom bibs for me and Mercedes cause weez be going...
Mercedes and Santana: To Breadstix!

Santana and Mercedes, Duets


We will be the undisputed top bitches in this school!

Santana to Mercedes, Duets


So freaking charming!

Santana, Duets


The Rocky Horror Glee Show

Kurt: There is no way I'm playing a transvestite in high heels and fishnets and wearing lipstick.
Santana: Why, cause that look was last season?

Kurt and Santana, The Rocky Horror Glee Show


Yeah, earlier today Artie asked if he could make a gigantic omelet when I’m done with the ostrich eggs I’m smuggling in my bra.

Santana to Mr. Schuester, The Rocky Horror Glee Show


Carl: You all have a hole to fill and I'm just trying to help fill it.
Santana: Wanky.

Santana and Carl, The Rocky Horror Glee Show


Never Been Kissed

If everyone just put out, we would have a winning football team.

Santana, Never Been Kissed


Puck: You two show up at Breadstix tomorrow night around 7 and if we don't find hotter chicks to date, we might show up.
Santana: You are so cool.

Puck and Santana, Never Been Kissed


Mr. Schuester: First, the a capella choir from the all-boys private school in Westerville, the Dalton Academy Warblers.
Santana: Okay, hold up. Like, a million awesome gay jokes just popped into my head.

Mr. Schuester and Santana, Never Been Kissed


Wait, something’s definitely wrong. Why isn’t Rachel talking?

Santana, Never Been Kissed


Puck: I flex my left pec, then I flex my right pec, and I say to the guy, ‘Leggo my Eggo.’ And you know what he does? He lets go of my Eggo!
Santana: You should be our nation’s president.

Puck and Santana, Never Been Kissed


The Substitute

Puck: I'm Finn Hudson, I'm quarterback of the football team.
Santana: I'm Rachel Berry, his loud, loud girlfriend.

Santana and Puck imitating Finn and Rachel, The Substitute


Furt

You're so on my List, dwarf.

Santana to Rachel, Furt


Sit down, Frankenteen.

Santana to Finn, Furt


Finn: If [Rachel] found out she'd break up with me.
Santana: And that's bad because...?
Finn: Because I love her and I don't want to hurt her.
Santana: Okay, don't you see that the midget is like an anchor dragging you down to the depths of Loserville?

Santana and Finn, Furt


Special Education

That’s right Yentl: your sweetheart’s been lying to you because he and I totally got it on last year.

Santana to Rachel, Special Education


It means your boyfriend is full of crap, Hobbit.

Santana to Rachel, Special Education


Rachel: Everybody knew about this but me?
Tina: Pretty much.
Santana: Nobody ever tells you anything because A) Your a blabbermouth and B) We all just pretend to like you.

Rachel, Tina and Santana, Special Education


A Very Glee Christmas

(Will asks about Christmas tree)
Will: And the ornaments?
Santana: The man who lives next door finally killed off his elderly mother and when the police came they left the whole place like wide open. I think she was a holiday hoarder.

Santana to Will, A Very Glee Christmas


I want bling; I can’t be any more specific than that. Okay, wait — hold up! Please tell me that is a roll of Certs in your pocket.

Santana to Santa, A Very Glee Christmas


(Girls are about to cut hair off for charity)
Will: You can't do that.
Santana: It's okay. Most of this isn't mine anyway."

Santana to Will, A Very Glee Christmas


Silly Love Songs

Santana: I've kissed Finn, and can I just say... not worth a buck. I would, however, pay a hundred dollars to jiggle one of his man boobs.
Finn: Do you ever get tired tearing other people down?
Santana: No, not really.

Santana and Finn, Silly Love Songs


Tina: Five minutes ago, you said Mr Schue belonged in a 12 step program.
Mr. Schue: Wait, what?
Santana: You're addicted to vests.

Santana, Tina and Will, Silly Love Songs


I just try to be really, really honest with people when I think that they suck! You know? No one gets it.

Santana to Brittany, Silly Love Songs


I won't tell Lauren to look out for poachers who might might mistake her for the endangered white rhino.

Santana to Noah Puckerman, Silly Love Songs


Santana: Hello Lauren. You are a beautiful person.
Lauren: [sarcastic] Thank you.
Santana: Now get out of my way please, afores I ends you.

Santana and Lauren, Silly Love Songs


(After losing a fight with Lauren)
That's how we do it in Lima Heights!

Santana to Lauren, Silly Love Songs


[voiceover] How is this possible? I'm the hottest piece of action in this school, and here I am, on Valentine's and single. Whatever. I'll just marry an NFL player, they're super reliable.

Santana, Silly Love Songs


[voiceover] Holy sweet hell! They're fooling around! I know what cheating looks like, I do it all the time.

Santana, about Quinn and Finn, Silly Love Songs


[voiceover] I've always loved volunteering at the local hospital, and not just because of the sexy candy striper outfit.

Santana, Silly Love Songs


I've had mono so many times it turned into stereo.

Santana, Silly Love Songs


Comeback

Despite the fact that your mouth-to-face ratio is way off, you still somehow manage to be cute. But make no mistake. Every time you open your humongous mouth to do an impression or moisten an enormous stamp for a lazy giant, you take one step closer to everyone seeing that you are actually a dork.

Santana to Sam, Comeback


I wants on them froggy lips, and I wants on them now.

Santana to Sam, Comeback


My carousel horse sweater should make me look like an institutionalized toddler, but no. I look hot and smart. I feel like Michelle Obama.

Santana, Comeback


Not only am I giving you full visitation rights to the set of rambunctious twins that live on my rib cage, you get the chance to show that pastry bag Finn that he can’t mess with Sam Evans. And not just because you can unlock your humongous jaw and swallow him whole like a python.

Santana to Sam, Comeback


Born This Way

Hold up, could we all just get real here for a second? I hear that Rachel has a bit of a schnoz. I mean I wouldn't know because like Medusa I try to avoid eye contact with her. But can we all just stop lying about how there aren't things we don't want to change about ourselves? I'm sure that Sam has been at the doctor's office and rifled through pamphlets on mouth reductions. I'll bet Artie's thought about getting his legs removed since he's not really using them anyway. And I'm definitely sure Tina has looked into getting an eye de-slanting.

Santana, Born This Way


Blame It on the Alcohol

I've been dry heaving all weekend. When my mother asked what the sound was, I said I was practicing bird calls.

Santana, Blame It on the Alcohol


You know what, this is not- Hey honeys, it's not a Big Red commercial. No me gusta!

Santana to Brittany and Sam, Blame It on the Alcohol


You like her more than me. She's blond and awesome and so smart. Admit it! Just admit it! No, kiss me!

Santana to Sam, about Quinn, Blame It on the Alcohol


I want you! I do!

Santana to Blaine or Rachel during "Don't You Want Me" (it was unclear), Blame It on the Alcohol


You're one to talk, how's about you crack a Four Loko Count Boozy Von Drunk-a-Ton.

Santana to Will, Blame It on the Alcohol


Cool beans Mister Schue. I'll sign.

Santana to Will, Blame It on the Alcohol


Sexy

Santana: But I wanted to thank you for singing that song with me in Glee Club.'Cause it made me do a lot of thinking. What I realized... What I realized is why I'm such a bitch all the time. I'm a bitch because I'm angry. Because I have all of these feelings. Feelings for you, that I'm afraid of dealing with, because I'm afraid of dealing with the consequences. And Brittany... I can't go to an Indigo Girls concert. I just can't. Do you understand what I'm trying to say here?
Brittany: Not really.
Santana: I want to be with you. But I'm afraid of the talks and the looks. I mean, you know what happened to Kurt at this school. I'm so afraid of what everyone will say behind my back. Still, I have to accept that... I love you. I love you a-and I don't want to be with Sam or Finn or any of those other guys. I just want you. Please say you love me back. Please.

Santana to Brittany, Sexy


[Will writes "SEXY" on the board.]
Santana: I really hope that's not one of the requirements for Regionals because with Berry and those tights, we don't stand a chance.

Santana, Sexy


Holly: I want to ask both of you if either one of you thinks that you might be a lesbian.
Santana: I don't know. Yeah, I mean, who knows? I'm attracted to girls, and I'm attracted to guys. I've made out with a mannequin. I even had a sex dream about a shrub that was just in the shape of a person.

Santana and Holly, Sexy

Original Song

Here she goes, making me regret voting for her.

Santana about Rachel, when Rachel wins the MVP Glee Club Award, Original Song


All those in favor of voting Rachel down a second time?

Santana, Original Song


Guppy face, trouty mouth.
Is that how people’s lips look where you come from in the South?
Grouper mouth, froggy lips.
I love suckin’ on those salamander lips.
Wanna put a fish hook in those lips so cherry red,
if you tried hard enough you could suck a baby’s head.
Wooh!
Oh yeah

Santana to Sam, Original Song


A Night of Neglect

Wait, do you honestly think that we can sell twenty thousand pieces of anythings? I mean we won Regionals for the first time since dinosaurs ruling the planet and I still got a freakin' cherry icy facial.

Santana, A Night of Neglect


Santana: The truth about what?
Dave: None of your business, J Lo.
Santana: First of all, anything you do became my business when you decided to toss that slushie up in my grill.
Dave: I think I can take a couple of queers and a girl.
Santana: Ha. See here's what's gonna go down. Two choices: you stay here and I crack one of your nuts,right or left, that's your choice, or you walk away and live to be a douchebag another day. Oh, and also? I have razor blades hidden in my hair. Mhmm. Tons, just all up in there.
Dave: [reluctantly walks away]
Blaine: We could have handled that.
Santana: It was more fun doing it together.

Santana defending Blaine and Kurt from Dave, A Night of Neglect


Born This Way

I've gotta gay. Go - go, I've gotta go.

Santana, Born This Way


The only straight I am is straight-up bitch.

Santana to Dave, Born This Way


Look, I'm not ready to start eating jicama or get a flat top yet, either. Maybe in junior college.

Santana, Born This Way


I'm Hispanic. Wait... was that supposed to say lesbian?

Santana after seeing the shirt Brittany made for her, Born This Way

You're what we call a "late in life gay." You're going to stay in the closet, get married, get drunk to have relations with your wife, have a couple kids, maybe become a state senator, or a deacon, and then get caught in the men's room tapping your foot with some page. And you know what? I accept that about you.

Santana to Dave, Born This Way


Holy crap. I'm a closet lesbian and a judgmental bitch, which means one thing. I have awesome gay-dar.

Santana after she sees Dave looking at Sam's butt, Born This Way


Rumours

Brittany: God, I'm so sad. Like a sad little panda.
Santana: Well, that's why I brought you here, to cheer you up. I've been going through that Rumours album and I found the best song that really goes one step past Landslide in expressing my feelings for you. My private feelings.

Brittany and Santana, Rumours

Santana: This is all YOUR fault! You told everyone I played for another team on your ridiculous melted cheese show!
Brittany: Wait are you mad? You do play for another team.. you were on the Cheerios now you're only in the New Directions
Santana: And you couldn't have thought of any other way to say that?!

Santana to Brittany, Rumours


Santana: You know..I blame Sam for all this..and Rachel too, I blame her.
Rachel: What did I do??
Santana: I'm sure you did something.

Santana to Rachel, Rumours

Prom Queen

Santana: Just because I hate everyone doesn't mean they have to hate me too.
Brittany: It's just a stupid crown. You can buy one at the Party Store.

Santana and Brittany, Prom Queen


Santana: As soon as we get to New York I'm bailing to live in a lesbian colony, or Tribeca.

Santana, Prom Queen


Suck so bad Quinn Fabray, I won.

Santana to Quinn, Prom Queen


Funeral

I'm about to go ALL Lima Heights!

Santana to Jesse, Funeral


New York

When did you get so smart?

Santana to Brittany, New York


Santana: I think I know how to make you feel better.
Quinn: I'm flattered Santana, but I'm not really that into that.
Santana: No, no I'm not talking about that, I'm talking about a haircut.

Santana & Quinn, New York


¡Escucha! ¡Soy de Lima Heights Adjacent y yo tengo orgullo! ¿Sabes lo que pasa en Lima Heights Adjacent? ¡Cosas malas! (Listen! I'm from Lima Heights Adjacent and I'm proud! You know what happens in Lima Heights Adjacent? Bad things!)

Santana to Rachel, New York


Santana: Do you think this voodoo doll looks enough like Rachel Berry to actually work?
Brittany: C'mon, we can't be mad at Rachel forever.
Santana: Yes, we can.

Santana and Brittany, New York

Season Three

The Purple Piano Project

Santana: Quinn, look, this is our senior year. And frankly, being on the Cheerios isn't the same without you.
Quinn: You guys are such suckers for going back to Sue Sylvester.
Santana: Come on, screw her. This is for us. We can win two National championships this year. We joined Cheerios together, we joined Glee club together, we all slept with Puckerman the same year. We're like besties for life.
Brittany: Yeah, come on, Quinn. We used to be the Three Musketeers. Now Santana and I are like Almond Joy and you're like a Jolly Rancher that fell in the ashtray.
Quinn: You guys never understood the pressure I was under. It sucked. I'm not interested in the boys, or the makeup, or the polyester outfits.
Santana: Look, I've got a bar of soap and a bottle of peroxide with your name on it in my locker. Come on, Quinn. You can't break up the Unholy Trinity.

Santana, Quinn and Brittany, The Purple Piano Project


Brittany: I have pepperoni in my bra.
Santana: Those are your nipples.

Santana and Brittany, The Purple Piano Project


Nah na na let me tell you how its gon be... if I may..when I look at someone, I don't see someone who looks a certain way or has this or that amount of chromosomes. I just see someone who I may or may not have to destroy.So if you ever tell me what to do I will END you!

Santana, The Purple Piano Project


I Am Unicorn

This is toned down. In the original, the unicorn was riding you.

Santana to Kurt about his poster, I Am Unicorn


Brittany: I failed my precious unicorn.
Santana: No! Look, this campaign is brilliant.
Brittany: Really?
Santana: Completely! If he doesn’t get it then he doesn’t deserve to have you as his campaign manager. There’s no one like you. You're a genius, Brittany. You are the unicorn.

Brittany and Santana, I Am Unicorn


Pot o' Gold

Somebody’s gotta look out for Brittany. I mean, that special place where she lives? Yeah, it’s beautiful, but someone’s gotta help her cross the street

Santana to Mercedes, Pot o' Gold


Santana: Britt, I want to talk about, you know, that thing we never talk about.
Brittany: That Sour Patch Kids are gummy bears that turn into drugs?
Santana: Are we dating or what?
Brittany: Wait, isn't this a date? Aren't you were paying. I ordered shrimp! Wasn't it last week we were taking a bath together-wasn't that a date? Are you crying?
Santana: It's just that I'm really happy.
Brittany: Well, I told you last year that if I was single and you were single, we would mingle. And if there's any controversy that interferes with my presidential campaign, then I'll use one of my leprechaun wishes. To win the election.
Santana: Y-you think that Great Gazoo kid is a leprechaun?
Brittany: Yeah, he's from Ireland. He's made of magic. Don't you have any wishes that you really want to come true?
Santana: Yeah, I do. I'm thinking about joining Shelby's new show choir. If I did, would you join me? I'm sick of being backup to Rachel Berry. I want to shine and be seen as the star I am. But I won't join without you.
Brittany: I don't want to known as a quitter. Doesn't my presidential campaign need continuity? Can't I think about it for like a day?
Santana: Yeah, totally. I understand. Just think about it. But in the meantime, I do have one more wish.
Brittany: Mm hm.
Santana: I wish you'd hold my hand.
Brittany: [smiles and holds Santana's hand]
Santana: [smiles but then looks around] But, like, under a napkin. [puts a napkin over her and Brittany's hands]

Brittany and Santana, Pot o' Gold


Every time he opens his dream boat acapella mouth, you're just itching to kick him right in the Warblers.

Santana to Finn about Blaine, Pot o' Gold


Here’s the deal, pixie boy. You’ve got a crush on my girl, Brittany. I understand. She’s beautiful, she’s innocent, she’s everything that’s good in this miserable, stinking world. … Also, she thinks you’re a spritely, green, mythological creature, but I know you’re a potato-eating poser. But since Brittany likes having a pet Irish, I’m not gonna explode you. Here’s what’s gonna go down. Leprechaun, starring a young Jen Aniston, is my favorite movie. It learned me two things. One, leprechauns like fixing shoe buckles because they’re gay. And two, they grant wishes. So you’re gonna grant me a wish

Santana to Rory, Pot o' Gold


That’s right, double-stuffed, fatty, gassy, mcgravy pants, we are just one big happy, happy family

Santana to Finn, Pot o' Gold


I did not just leave one diva-driven glee club to join another, so let me write you a reality check, Richie Bitch. I’ve seen what you can do, and what you can do is stand in the back, sway, and sing very, very quietly

Santana to Sugar, Pot o' Gold


The First Time

Speaking from experience, Finn is terrible in bed. If Rachel wants my sloppy seconds she should at least know the truth. It was like being smothered by a sweaty, out-of-breath sack of potatoes that someone soaked in body spray

Santana to Rachel, The First Time


Mash Off

See, The Troubletones are three F's, Fierce, Femme, Phenomenal!

Santana to New Directions, Mash Off


Santana: Quick, go get some moist towels. We have to keep Finn wet before we roll him back to sea.
Rachel:Ok You know what Santana, Finn is in great shape and your meanness just highlights your own personal insecurities.
Santana: Rachel, your mustache is thicker than a Middle Eastern dictator.

Santana and Rachel, Mash Off


Santana: (To Finn) Hey Orca! (bumps into him)
Finn: Hey Santana! You look like an assless J-Lo.
Santana: (laughs)
Rory: You're skinny like all the crops failed on your family's farm.
Santana: That is the lamest thing I didn't understand a word of. I'm from Lima Heights, I was raised on insults. That's how my abuela puts me to sleep at night, and she was not a nice lady. Did you know she tried to sell me once? And it wasn't until I got to kindergarten that I learned my name wasn't Garbage Face.

Santana, Finn, and Rory, Mash Off


Santana: Hey Tubs! Can I talk to you for a second?
Rory: Hey, listen here. You can't make fun of Finn anymore.
Santana: Shut your potato hole, I'm here to apologize. [to Finn] Rachel's right, I haven't been fair to you. You're not fat. I should know, I slept with you. I mean, at some point I must have liked that you look like a taco addict who's had one too many back alley liposuctions.
Rory: Whoa.
Santana: Please stick a sock in it or ship yourself back to Scotland. I'm trying to apologize to Lumps The Clown. I am sorry, Finn. I mean, really, I'm sorry that the New Directions are gonna get crushed by the Troubletones. And also sorry that you have no talent. Sorry that you sing like you're getting your prostate checked, and you dance like you've been asleep for years and someone just woke you up. Have fun riding on Rachel's coattails for the rest of your life, although, you know what, I would just watch out for her come holiday time if I were him, because if I were her, I'd stick a stent in one of those boobs and let the Finn blubber light the Hanukkah lamp for eight magical nights.

Santana to Finn, Mash Off


Santana: What did you just say to her? [points at Rachel]
Finn: I said I thought you were great.
Santana: No, you're lying.
Rachel: No. He literally just said that.
Santana: (at Finn) You told her too?
Will: [stands up] Santana.
Santana: (at Finn) Everyone's gonna know now, because of you.
Finn: The whole school already knows. And you know what? They don't care.
Santana: Not just the school, you idiot. Everyone!
Finn: What are you talking ab-
Santana slaps Finn

Santana, Finn, Rachel and Will, Mash Off


I Kissed a Girl

When I get really pissed off, Santana gets taken over by my other evil personality. I call her Snix. Her wrath of words is called Snix Juice. I’m kind of like the Incredible Hulk. You can’t blame me for anything Snix does

Santana to Principal Figgins, I Kissed a Girl


If you suspend me, I won’t be able to beat Grimace and Mr. Schue’s butts

Santana to Principal Figgins about Finn and Will, I Kissed a Girl


This is garbage. Hamburglar Finn is fine.

Santana, I Kissed a Girl


Worry about yourself, Fetus Face

Santana to Finn, I Kissed a Girl


While there’s nothing I’d love more than having two pretty ponies serenade me, I think we’d get further staging a gel-ervention for Blaine than singing lady music

Santana to Kurt and Blaine, I Kissed a Girl


Your hideous bowties are provoking me

Santana to Blaine, I Kissed a Girl


I love girls the way that I’m supposed to feel about boys. It’s just something that’s always been inside of me and I really want to share it with you because I love you so much. I want you to know me, who I really am. When I’m with Brittany, I finally understand what people are talking about when they talk about love. I’ve tried so hard to push this feeling away and keep it locked inside, but every day just feels like a war. And I walk around so mad at the world, but I’m really just fighting with myself. I don’t want to fight anymore. I’m just too tired. I have to just be me

Santana to her grandmother, Alma Lopez, I Kissed a Girl


Thank you, guys. Thank you, Finn, especially. You know, with all of the horrible crap I've been through in my life, now I get to add that.

Santana, I Kissed a Girl

Hold on to Sixteen

Just heard the news that trouty mouth is back in town. I've been keeping a notebook just in case this day ever came: Welcome back Lisa Rinna, I've missed you so much since your family packed their bags, loaded them in your mouth and skipped town. Can't tell you how many times I wanted to enjoy a crisp pickle, but couldn't find anyone to suck the lid off the jar. I assume you've been working as a baby polisher where young mothers place their infant's heads in your mouth to get back that new born shine. So glad you're back, I've never seen a smile that big since a claymation abominable snowman got his teeth pulled by that little gay elf dentist. Love, Santana.

Santana to Sam, Hold on to Sixteen


It was that damn Trouty Mouth. Even I felt a little something in my lady loins when he did that magic sex dance.

Santana about Sam, Hold on to Sixteen


Extraordinary Merry Christmas

Homeless will be homeless for a while, that's sort of the problem.

Santana to Sue and New Directions, Extraordinary Merry Christmas


This song is so depressing. I may actually be dead right now.

Santana to Rachel, Extraordinary Merry Christmas


Yes/No

Will: Okay, come on ladies, it's not like this is the first time I've ever proposed.
Santana: Oh yeah? How did that marriage work out for you. I mean what was your big move then, a jumbotron that said, "Hey Terri! I wanna make a fake baby with you!"

Santana and Will, Yes/No


You know, I just wanted to say that, I thought that you blew that song outta the water, and, totally nailed the assignment. Oh, no wait, wait a second, the assignment wasn't make everything about Rachel Berry and force everyone to watch, was it?

Santana to Rachel and New Directions, Yes/No


Michael

Admit it, Wonder Twins. The only reason why the New Directions beat the Troubletones at Sectionals is because that pervy clown judge was freaking high as a kite

Santana to Kurt and Blaine, Michael


Sebastian: And what did you think Sha-Queer-A?
Santana: I thought you sucked, Fievel. If that's your best MJ I am going to wipe the floor at Regionals with your Wannabe Disney Prince haircut.

—Sebastian and Santana, Cut Scene from Michael

I’d throw this mocha in your face, but it’s not nearly scalding enough

Santana to Rachel, Michael


Santana: “Hey, what are you doing?"
Kurt: “Trying to keep the flames from shooting out of the side of my face."
Santana: “Well that outfit isn’t helping."

Santana and Kurt, Michael


Today is your lucky day, because Auntie Snicks just arrived on the Bitch Town Express. Now my suggestion is that we drag him, bound and gagged, to a tattoo parlor for a tramp stamp that reads ‘Tips Appreciated’ or ‘Congratulations, You’re My 1,000th Customer'

Santana to Kurt about Sebastian, Michael


Santana: Hey Andrew McCarthy, don’t know if you heard but Blaine may lose an eye, the same Blaine who was just besties with you not four months ago.
Trent: Wait, are you serious, is he gonna be okay?
Santana: Well sure, if he doesn’t care about seeing in three dimension.
Sebastian: Trent, I got this. Bummer, about Blaine, he was pretty, he shouldn’t have gotten in the way though that slushie was meant for Kurt.
Santana: You may look, like the villain out of a cheesy 80’s high school movie, but you should know that I’m fully prepared to go all Danny LaRusso on your ass. Admit you put something in that slushie, what was it, huh, glass, asphalt?
Sebastian: Red dye number 6.
Santana: You’re a liar.
Sebastian: She questioned my honor. I demand satisfaction in Warbler tradition.
Santana: You wanna have a duel? Cello guys can you hang back for a second, I’m gonna need you for this one.
Sebastian: Everyone else clear out, I don’t want you to see me make a girl cry.
Santana: Let’s just keep this on point.

Santana, Sebastian and Trent, Michael


I got Sebastian on tape admitting there was rock salt in that slushie that blinded Blaine. Now all we have to do is send this tape to the po-po and that little bitchlet is headed to juvie

Santana to New Directions about Sebastian, Michael


This isn’t violent, this is clever. I taped it to my under-boob

Santana to Kurt, Michael


If Kurt would’ve taped this to his junk, I never would’ve heard the end of it. We would’ve had a whole week of songs about it

Santana about Kurt, Michael


Heart

In that case, I would like to send one to my girlfriend, Brittany. And by that, I don’t mean my friend who’s a girl. I mean my girlfriend girlfriend. How does that sound?

Santana to Joe, Heart


The Spanish Teacher

Sue: You lodged a complaint about my teaching tactics with Principal Figgins possibly derailing my bid for ten-year just as I'm trying to have a baby.
Santana: A baby? With who's vagina?

Santana and Sue Sylvester, The Spanish Teacher


You went from La Cucaracha to a bullfighting mariachi. Why don’t you just dress up as the Taco Bell chihuahua and bark the theme song to Dora the Explorer? You don’t even know enough to be embarrassed about these stereotypes you’re perpetuating

Santana to Will, The Spanish Teacher


On My Way

Let me break it down for you, from one bitch to another. All of this vicious, underhanded crap has got to stop

Santana to Sebastian, On My Way


I'm looking forward to the day my grandmother loves me again.

Santana to New Directions, On My Way


Big Brother

Puck: We all know why we're here. I've waited 5 years for this. I want ideas for Senior Ditch Day, go!
Kurt: Oh, Gershwin song lines scavenger hunt!
Santana: That sounds like torture.
Puck: I want actual ideas, Kurt.
Mike: Footloose movie marathon. Footloose, Footloose 2011!
Mercedes: What about a non-alcoholic pub crawl?
Puck: It's Senior Ditch Day, not senior citizens ditch day.
Brittany: It's springtime, I'd like to see something give birth.

—Senior Class of WMHS 2012, Big Brother


On My Way

Let me break it down for you, from one bitch to another.

Santana to Sebastian, On My Way


Me and the color pink, have been in an argument for seventeen years, I can't believe I have to make nice with it now

—Santana, Bridesmaids Scene, cut from On My Way

Saturday Night Glee-ver

Blaine's handsome brother said it best: college is a waste of time. I just wanna be famous, plain and simple.

Santana to New Directions, Saturday Night Glee-ver


Why don’t you save the lecture for the theater nerds that are gonna starve in New York while desperately trying to tap dance their way into the chorus of Godspell No offense, Gayberry.

Santana to Will about Kurt and Rachel, Saturday Night Glee-ver


I am a thousand percent sure that I’m actually going to be famous, just like I’m a thousand percent sure that our man-child piano player keeps a petite Eurasian locked in a trunk underneath his bed.

Santana about Brad, Saturday Night Glee-ver


Why is everyone staring at me like I’m Finn and I just won a butter-eating competition?

Santana, Saturday Night Glee-ver


"WHAT?! Brittany, that sex tape was private. We made that for us!"

Santana to Brittany, Saturday Night Glee-ver


Dance with Somebody

We’re hanging onto Whitney cuz she was incredible and we love her, so don’t put your baggage on us

Santana to Will, Dance with Somebody


Oh crap, I think I just realized I’m gonna miss you. Oh God, say something irritating so I can get the taste of this out of my head, please.

Santana to Rachel, Dance With Somebody


Prom-asaurus

How is everyone ‘welcome’ when this is clearly just a party for you and the two gay Winklevii twins?

Santana to Rachel about her, Kurt and Blaine, Prom-asaurus


Imploding on one of the last nights we have to spend together because basically you’re just not in the mood to dance is maybe the pettiest thing you have ever done. So have fun at your ‘I’m a victim’ party acting like you’re not some selfish, self-centered, lame-ass wannabe diva from Hell

Santana to Rachel, Prom-asaurus


Props

Brit and I are gay and Mercedes is black, so kicking us out would be a hate crime

Santana to the teacher, Props


Nationals

You know what? You know what? Hey! I don't want to hear any of this "We can't do it without her," because guess what? We don't have a choice. So be warned: if you are not giving this everything you've got, I WILL go all Lima Heights on your sorry asses.

Santana to New Directions, Nationals


I’m sorry. I always go to the yelling place. I have rage.

Santana to Will, Nationals


Goodbye

This is embarrassing. I’m a star. So what am I doing heading to Kentucky? I’m just as talented as Mercedes, Boy Chang, Berry or Lady Hummel.

Santana, Goodbye


Season Four

The Break-Up

Sophomore year, I used to sit in this back row and secretly watch you. I counted the number of times you’d smile at me, and I’d die on days that you didn’t. I miss this place so much. It’s where we fell in love, where I could say things with music, when words just weren’t enough. And I need to tell you something that I don’t know how to say.

Santana to Brittany, The Break-Up


Thanksgiving

Okay, okay. Lumps, let me just say out loud what everyone here is thinking. You finally got an okay haircut. You’re not doing that annoying half smirk as much as you used to, but you’re still an idiot. No one in this room can tackle a massive dance number except for Brit. And that includes your little hand jive, that to me looked more like a hand j…”

Santana to Finn, Thanksgiving


That bitch is pure evil.

Santana to Quinn about Kitty, Thanksgiving


Marley: Why are you going through my bag?
Santana: It's all a part of being a mentor. What is this, hmm? And don't tell me it's 'cause the cafeteria food binds you up.

Marley and Santana, Thanksgiving


Your pretty little liar gave them to her. I can sense it thanks to my psychic Mexican third eye.

Santana to Quinn about Marley and Kitty, Thanksgiving


Wow. Twitter update! Quinn is all excited about another guy defining her life.

Santana to Quinn after finding out Quinn's dating her professor., Thanksgiving


Did professor Patches teach you that one in between quickies on his office couch? Does he get so turned on by teen moms who barely visit their kid?

Santana and Quinn, Thanksgiving


Quinn always was a genius slapper.

Santana about Quinn, Thanksgiving


Swan Song

Santana: Is that because you've been telling her to? You trying to turn her into a damn rexy?
Kitty: What? No! Why would I... Why would I want that?
Santana: Because you're a crazy evil bitch!

Santana and Kitty, Swan Song


Naked

Lady Hummel called begging us to do an emergency intervention.

Santana to Rachel, Naked


Quinn: And we're here to apologize to Quinn for slapping her across the face very very hard.
Santana: In theory. We'll just see if that happens.

Santana and Quinn, Naked


Topless is as nude as anyone is ever gonna want to see you.

Santana to Rachel, Naked


Rachel: Okay, wait. Why...Why am I even taking advice from you, okay. Didn't you have a sex tape that leaked online?
Santana: Yes I did. A sex-tape that follows me around to this very day.Look up at my in the internet right now.
Rachel: (reading from phone) Santana Lopez- Nude, lez, boobies, sex tape, Mexican or Dominican, Question mark.
Santana: Booyah. And that will exist forever.

Santana and Rachel, Naked


I'm in no rush to get back to Kentucky. Think I could get used to here in New York. It's more of my speed.

Santana to Quinn, Naked


Diva

Sam: Just let it go.
Santana: Never.

Sam and Santana, Diva


No Brittany, you have no idea what it's like out there in the real world. No one gives a damn about you.

Santana to Brittany, Diva


I Do

Santana: It is a Carrot Top convention. I am so over this, and it hasn't even started yet. I'm clearly the hottest bitch in this lousy joint. But I'm all alone, stuck here with you.
Quinn: Do you want me to slap you again?
Santana: I hate weddings and I Valentine's Day. It was invented by breeders to sell cheap chocolate and false hope.
Quinn: Do you know what I hate? Men. Every single one of them is a pig except for Mr. Schue and Al Roker...Like Gloria Steinem said A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
Santana: Al Roker is disgusting by the way.
Quinn: (scoffs) Whatever.

Santana and Quinn, I Do


I have been chosen, probably because I'm numb to other people's feelings, to come here and ask what you would like to do, Mr. Schue...about the reception. Ms Pillsbury's parents say the paid for the whole thing so we might as well have the party, and if you ask me, they seem pretty happy about what happened.

Santana to Quinn, I Do


Quinn: We all should've known that a Valentine's Day wedding was just asking for a disaster.
Santana: Love stinks.
Bartender: Sorry ladies, can I see some IDs?
Santana: I'm 25. Rosario Cruz. I might be related to Penelope. You?
Quinn: Emily Stark. Barely legal.
Santana: Well that's good, cause I hear your professors are into that. You know, we always were two ends of the same bitch-goddess spectrum. Maybe that's why we love each other so much... and slap each other.
Quinn: You know, I have to say, Rosario, you are killing it in that dress.
Santana: Thanks. Those romantic saps. They may have love, but you know what we are that they are not?
Quinn: Flawless.

Santana and Quinn, I Do


Girls (and Boys) on Film

It's like Eli Roth decided to make a gay horror movie, and this is the scene right before we eat each other.

Santana about Rachel and Kurt, Girls (and Boys) on Film


Oh ok. I like how you guys pretend to be all accepting about everything but when your friend suddenly shows up in your home, moves in and goes through all your stuff... you're offended.

Santana to Kurt and Rachel, Girls (and Boys) on Film


That's what I thought, right? Who cares if he's terrified of banks? I mean, if I was made out of plastic, I'd be scared of a lot of things too; open flames, barbeques, but then, I found this!...This is a pager, my friends. And there is only one type of person that carries cash and a pager. Your friend Brody? Is a drug dealer!

Santana to Kurt and Rachel, Girls (and Boys) on Film


Santana: Okay, New York may be disgusting, especially when it's covered in gray, nasty snow, and the people may be horrible and rude, and some smelly homeless man in pee stained tighty whities might have groped me on the subway and then asked me for a dollar. But I gots to say I finally feel like I have found my people.
Rachel: Glad that you found your corner of the sky, Santana.
Santana: And where are the Hardy Boys? Investigating the mystery of God-could-you-be-more-annoying?
Rachel: Kurt and Adam are at NYADA.
Santana: And Pablo Escobar? Did he ever come home?
Rachel: Brody is in the shower.
Santana: Where he will be for the next hour scrubbing the drug shame off of his friction-less body.
Rachel: For the hundredth time, okay, if you keep making fun of Brody-
Santana: I'm not! I mean I am, just not now. Okay, look. Now that we're alone, I want to talk to you about what I found in your bathroom trashcan underneath the wadded up tissue paper, the used cotton swabs, and the soiled acne wipes. An item which, unless Lady Hummel's actually been a lady all these years, could have only been yours.
Rachel: I don't know what you're talking about.
Santana: Rachel. You're really not gonna tell me about the stick?
Rachel: You had no right.
Santana: Rachel, I'm your friend. You can trust me, just tell me what's going on. (Rachel starts crying) Oh God. You're gonna be okay. It's okay. It's gonna be okay.

Santana and Rachel, Girls (and Boys) on Film


Feud

Don't apply logic to Lopez.

Santana to Brody, Feud


Olsen Twins, let me tell you something. I have known you both for years and I don't like either of you 90% of the time, in fact, your wide-eyed, Keane-painting approach to life makes my teeth hurt and my breasts ache with rage. But you know what? I have love for you. You're my family and I haven't lied to you in months. I'm smarter about other people than the both of you, you have to trust me.

Santana to Rachel and Kurt, Feud


Guilty Pleasures

Ooh la la, Rachel Berry in a towel. How could Brody give all that up?

Santana to Rachel, Guilty Pleasures


Santana: Okay, this is ridiculous. If I'm going to be paying a third of the rent, I'm going to be needing a third of the shelf space.
Rachel: Don't get too comfortable, okay? This is only temporary.
Santana: I don't even think you need all these beauty products, Rachel, cause they're not really having the desired effect. Unless your goal is to look like a reject from the Shahs of Sunset.
Kurt: One: Rachel is beautiful. Two: you're a bitch and those are my products, okay? And maybe if you used them, you wouldn't have more oil than the Middle East on your face.
Rachel: Oooh. (sings in background)
Santana: Okay, that's really funny. You wanna play with me, Kurt? Cause I can play. All day every day. What if I just told your BFF about her BF and his man-whoring ways?
Kurt: We had a pact.
Santana: What if I broke that pact, huh? What would you do? Attack me with your exfoliating loofah?
Kurt: She can't find out until after her Funny Girl audition, alright? That would wreck her.
Santana: Maybe if you made me some space, I'd care a little bit more. Like that whole top row.

Santana, Kurt, and Rachel, Guilty Pleasures


Lights Out

Alright, you know what Rachel? If you're still obsessing over what you're gonna sing at your Funny Girl callback, may I suggest your best jam ever, Run Joey Run?

Santana to Rachel, Lights Out


And just when you thought it couldn't get any gayer...it does

Santana, Lights Out


All or Nothing

Are you sure it just isn't Britney 3.0 week in Glee club?

Santana to Sam, All or Nothing

Season Five

Tina in the Sky with Diamonds

I like yeast in my bagel but not in my muffin.

Santana, Tina in the Sky with Diamonds

Oh, come on. You are not playing Yente the lesbian match maker.

Santana to Rachel, Tina in the Sky with Diamonds

I'm getting that stinky panic sweat under my boobs.

Santana to Rachel, Tina in the Sky with Diamonds

I think I need an agent. I guess those contracts I signed for those commercials said that I waived my right to residuals, in exchange for a lifetime supply of Yeast-I-Stat. Though I don't know whose toxic vagina would need that much of that stuff, I mean if you're producing that much yeast you should probably start a bakery.

Santana to Rachel, Tina in the Sky with Diamonds

Gunther: I take this!
Santana: Gunther, that’s my Yeast-I-Stat what the hell??

Santana to Gunther, Tina in the Sky with Diamonds

The Quarterback

Oh please. You wanted that memorial gone because you’re such a cold-hearted bitch..A miserable, self-centered bitch, who has spent every waking minute of the past three years trying to make our lives miserable. I’m officially over it.

Santana and Sue, The Quarterback


Well I don’t give a hot wet monkey’s ass what you care for. You are not my principal. See I don’t go here anymore, sue, and that means I can finally tell you exactly what I think of you. I have hated you ever since the day I met you. You are a horrible person who never had a nice word to say about Finn Hudson, so don’t you dare think for a second that he didn't hate you, too!

Santana and Sue, The Quarterback


Okay, I know that Finn had his doubts about God but I am convinced that squishy teats is up in heaven right now clopped down to his new best friend fat Elvis hoping themselves to have picnic of baby back ribs smothered in butter scotch pudding in tater tark grease. So, this for you Hudson.

—Santana, The Quarterback


When we had sex, Finn never stopped asking me if I was okay the whole time. And he meant it. One time Becky Jackson left a piece of chocolate birthday cake on my chair and when I sat on it, it looked like I had pooped my pants, so Finn walked behind me until I could get out of school so no one saw my chocolate butt and thought I had messed myself.

Santana, The Quarterback


A Katy or A Gaga

I'm sorry, would you mind just stepping outside for a moment while I bitch-slap some sense into my friend?

Santana to Elliott about Kurt, A Katy or A Gaga

Oh hot damn!

Santana about Elliott, A Katy or A Gaga

Previously Unaired Christmas

I am loving this look on me. Lord of the bling.

Santana, Previously Unaired Christmas


Oh… Well that sounds a little molesty. I mean I didn’t start playing doctor ‘til I was nine.
I think somebody needs to freeze the fat this Christmas, because somebody weighs more than Mrs. Claus!.
Whoa, stop right there. You look a little Jewish, right Rachel? (Points at kid)...bye.
How about we just get you an IPad.. you can't even get porn on whatever you just asked for.
You look exactly like a young Brittany S. Pierce, doesn’t she? Brittany is my ex girlfriend and she just dumped me, which is why I’m even here and why I have this job. And we’re lesbians. And you know, I’ve never been with anybody like that before.
Oh, nope, you know what I think that you should ask Santa to get your daddy a job with some dental benefits because your grill is jacked up. (Looks at Rachel and Kurt) Do you see?

Santana as Mrs. Claus to the Kids, Previously Unaired Christmas


Frenemies

Rachel: I will totally slap you again.
Santana: I would love for things to get physical. I will hit you so hard that you won't be able to wake up until you're old enough to be Funny Lady.

Santana to Rachel, Frenemies

Trio

Life is very high school. Just with bigger stakes.

Santana to Elliot, Trio

Elliott: You know I'm actually just here to get her sheet music. Do you know where she keeps it?
Santana: Up her butt.

Santana to Elliott, Trio

100

Can it, troll?!

Santana to Rachel, 100

New Directions

Santana: A star is a star, it doesn't matter where in the sky it shine.

Santana to Brittany, New Directions

Opening Night

You suck at so many things. But not this.

Santana to Rachel about her opening night, Opening Night


Who gives a crap what all the other peasants think?

Santana to Rachel, Opening Night


I haven't danced that hard since nationals two years ago.

Santana, Opening Night

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