Sue: You think this is hard? Try being waterboarded... That's hard!

—Sue to Cheerios, Pilot

Sue: You think that's hard? I'm living with hepatitis... That's hard!

—Sue to Cheerios, Pilot

Emma: Since when are cheerleaders performers?
Sue: Your resentment is delicious.

—Emma and Sue, Pilot

Sue: These students are like a caste system. All the popular kids are in the penthouse. All the nerds playing wizards and trolls in the forest, bottom floor.
Will: Where do the kids in Glee lie?
Sue: Subbasement.

—Sue and Will, Pilot

Sue: So here's the deal. You do with your depressing little group of kids what I did with my wealthy elderly mother: Euthanize it. It's their time.

—Sue to Will, Showmance

Sue: Iron tablet? Keeps your strength up when you're menstruating.
Will: I don't menstruate.
Sue: Yeah? Neither do I.

—Sue and Will, Showmance

Well, I'm not sure anyone's going to want to swim over to your island of misfit toys.

—Sue to Will, Showmance

I resent to be told to hold on to anything, William. I will not be treated like a second class citizen because of my gender.

—Sue to Will, Showmance

Lady Justice wept today.

—Sue to Rachel and Finn, Showmance

Let me be the one to break the silence. That was the most offensive thing I've seen in twenty years of teaching. And that includes an elementary school production of "Hair."

—Sue, about the New Directions performance, Showmance

You know, Q, when I first laid eyes on you, I was reminded of a young Sue Sylvester, though you don't have my bone structure.

—Sue to Quinn, Showmance

Sue: Let me get this straight. The Glee Club got rid of Dakota Stanley, Mr Schuester's back and they're busy at work on a new number more confident than ever.
[Cut to scene of Glee Club rehearsing]
Sue: This is what we call a total disaster ladies. I'm going to have to ask you to smell your armpits.
(Quinn and Santana hesitate, then smell their armpits).
That's the smell of failure, and it's stinking up my office. I'm revoking your tanning privileges for the rest of the semester.

—Sue to Quinn, and Santana, Acafellas

Will: You have always been out to get me.
Sue: If I were out to get you, you'd be pickling in a mason jar on my shelf by now.

—Will and Sue, Preggers

I'd love to stay and chat but I got a satellite interview. That's lingo again, for an interview... via satellite.

—Sue, Preggers

Hey, how's that homelessness working out for you? Give not being homeless a try!

—Sue, Preggers

You know, when I heard Sandy wanted to write himself into a scene as Queen Cleopatra, I was aroused…then furious.

—Sue about Sandy Ryerson, The Rhodes Not Taken

I hereby grant you complete artistic control. You now have everything you could possibly want. Isn't it a great feeling?

—Sue to Rachel, The Rhodes Not Taken

Terri: But I'm not a nurse. I work at Sheets 'n' Things.
Sue: I'm not an American citizen. I was born in the Panama Canal Zone. But I managed to get a passport and run for office twice.

—Terri and Sue, Vitamin D

You have to remember something: we're dealing with children. They need to be terrified. It's like mother's milk to them. Without it, their bones won't grow properly.

—Sue to Will, Vitamin D

Dear Journal:

Feeling listless again today. It began at dawn when I tried to make a smoothie out of beef bones, breaking my juicer. And then, at Cheerios practice: DISASTER! It was unmistakable. It was like spotting the first spark on the Hindenburg. A quiver! That quiver will lose us Nationals, and without a championship, I'll lose my endorsements, and without those endorsements, I won't be able to buy my hovercraft.

—Sue about Quinn, Vitamin D

Sue: Let me put it to you this way. If it's not a full blown affair, well it's certainly heading in that direction. You need a machete to cut through the haze of lust that surrounds them.

Terri: Oh God. What am I going to do?

Sue: I think you should both pack up and move out of the district. Unless you want to lose your man to a mentally ill ginger pygmy with eyes like a bushbaby.

—Vitamin D

Ellen, that blouse is just insane.

—Sue to Emma, Vitamin D

Look at me, even in the heat of battle, I am so elegant, regal. I am Ajax, mighty Greek warrior.

—Sue in voice-over, Throwdown

Let me be frank. Your husband is hiding his kielbasa in a Hickory Farms gift basket that doesn't belong to you.

—Sue to Terri, Vitamin D

Figgins: And Sue, no pitting the kids against one another.

Sue: Never!

(Back in Sue's Office)

Sue: I wanna pit these kids against one another, am I clear? Quinn, update. Go.
Quinn: The minority students don't feel like they're being heard.
Sue: Ah, a chink in the armor, huh? I am going to create an environment that it's so toxic, no one will want to be a part of that club. Like the time I sold my house to a nice young couple, and I salted the earth in the backyard so that nothing living could grow there for a hundred years. You know why I did that? Because they tried to get me to pay their closing costs.

—Sue and Quinn, Throwdown

Sue: When you hear your name called, cross over to this side of this black shiny thing.
Will: That's called a piano, Sue.
Sue: Santana! Wheels! Gay Kid! Come on, move it! Asian! Other Asian! Aretha! And Shaft!

—Sue and Will, Throwdown

In fact, I like minorities so much, I'm thinking of moving to California to become one.

—Sue, Throwdown

I can't help picturing small birds laying sulphurous eggs in there and I find it disgusting.

—Sue to Will about his hair, Throwdown

I empower my Cheerios to be champions. Do they go to college? I don't know. I don't care. Should they learn Spanish? Sure, if they wanna become dishwashers and gardeners.

—Sue, Throwdown

Will: Sue... hey, Sylvester!! I'm talking to you!!
Sue: Oh, hey buddy, I thought I smelled failure.

—Will and Sue, Throwdown

Will: I will destroy you.
Sue: I am about to vomit down your back.

—Will and Sue, Throwdown

Sue: All right, let's go.
Finn: Wait, is there a fire?
Sue: That's the whole point. There is no fire.

—Sue and Finn, Throwdown

Your psychosexual derangement would be fascinating if it weren't so terrifying!

—Sue to Will, Throwdown

You sunk my battleship, Rod, and you sunk it hard.

—Sue to Rod Remington, Mash-Up

Schuester! Yeah, I'll need to see that set list for Sectionals after all, and I want it on my desk, warm from the laminator at 5:00 p.m. And if it is one minute late, I will go to the animal shelter and get you a kitty cat. I will let you fall in love with that kitty cat. And then, on some dark, cold night, I will steal away into your home and punch you in the face!

—Sue, Mash-Up

Never let anything distract you from winning. Ever.

—Sue to Dalton Rumba and Grace Hitchens, Hairography

Emma: Sue? Did someone finally punch you?
Sue: Edie. William. (points to Ken) You. Every year, when the photos for the Thunderclap come around, I always elect to have a little work done. This year I got myself a bit of an eye lift. And while they were in there, I told them to go ahead and yank out those tear ducts. Wasn't using them.

—Sue and Emma, Mattress

Will: I didn't even know this was going on.
Sue: Well, of course you didn't, William. You wouldn't even know if your Glee Club was using your office to breed rabbits for pets or for food. You know why? You're too busy chasing tail and loading your hair with enormous amounts of product. Today it just looks like you put lard in it.

—Will and Sue, Mattress

It's like looking at a porno star in a nun's habit.

—Sue to Quinn about her pregnancy, Mattress

Quinn: The Cheerios photo is tomorrow; I want back on that squad.
Sue: Oh, is that what you want? Well, what I wanted was a Head Cheerleader who wasn't going to hoist her legs behind her ears in the backseat of the first station wagon she could jimmy open, throwing away any chance she ever had in life.

—Sue and Quinn, Mattress

There's a stack of mattresses in the choir room piled as high as the empty hair gel bottles in the dumpster outside your apartment.

—Sue to Will, Mattress

Will: It was an innocent mistake.
Sue: And what if I were to just innocently murder you, Will? I'd still have to go to trial. Probably get off with justifiable homicide.

—Sue and Will, -Mattress

Is there any reason you have a soiled mattress in your office, Will? Have you and the redhead become so sexually depraved that you have to commit your craven acts of adultery in between classes?

—Sue to Will, Mattress

Get ready for the ride of your life, Will Schuester. You are about to board the Sue Sylvester Express. Destination... Horror!

—Sue, Sectionals

Will: Sue! What kind of teacher are you?

Sue: Oh, hey, buddy. I just came by to feed my Venus flytrap!

Will: You leaked the set list, and you are not going to get away with it!

Sue: That is a libelous accusation, and I insist you retract it immediately! You have no proof.

Will: No proof? You are the only person who had the list!

Sue: But other than that, you have no proof. It's time to face facts, William. At 1:00 P.M. this afternoon, your little club will have had its shot at the big time and they will have failed. Glee Club will be canceled. And all that money Figgins has been funneling into your budget will finally and rightfully be restored to mine.

Will: You have crossed a line. I am not going to sit idly by anymore. I am going to expose you for the fraud that you have become.

Sue: Bring it on, William. I am reasonably confident that you will be adding revenge to the long list of things you're no good at. Right next to being married—

Will: Don’t.

Sue: —Running a high school glee club, and finding a haircut that doesn't make you look like a lesbian.

—Sue and Will, Sectionals

Figgins: Sue, the directors, both from the Jane Addams Academy and Haverbrook School for the Deaf, have informed me that you gave them the New Directions' set list.
Sue: You have no proof.
Figgins: The set lists were on Cheerios' letterhead.
Sue: I didn't do it.
Figgins: They say, "From the desk of Sue Sylvester."
Sue: Circumstantial evidence.
Figgins: They're written in your handwriting!
Sue: Forgeries.
Figgins: Sue, there is an orgy of evidence stacked against you!
Sue: Well, you've clearly made up your mind not to be impartial in this case.

—Figgins and Sue, Sectionals

I'm engorged with venom and triumph.

—Sue, Hell-O

Hey, buddy, got a haircut? Looks awful.

—Sue to Will, Hell-O

If I were't ignoring what these ladies were saying, due to my deep repulsion, I'd encourage you to go for it.

—Sue to Rachel, Hell-O

You need to become even more narcissistic than ever before.

—Sue to Rachel, Hell-O

You two should be wetting yourselves with shame.

—Sue to Brittany and Santana, Hell-O

I won't be burying any hatchets, William, unless I get a clear shot to your groin.

—Sue to Will, Hell-O

I would've gotten [a drink] for you, Will, but I don't like you.

—Sue to Will, Hell-O

It's my understanding you've been given the heave-ho by that terribly uncoordinated Finn Hudson.

—Sue to Rachel, Hell-O

You may be two of the stupidest teens I've ever encountered - and that's saying something. I once taught a cheerleading seminar to a young Sarah Palin.

—Sue to Santana and Brittany, Hell-O

Will: Bring it.

Sue: Oh I will bring it, William. You know what else I'm gonna to bring? I'm gonna bring some Asian cookery to wipe your head with. Cause right now you've got enough product in your hair to season a wok.

—Hell-O

Will (watching Cheerios practice): Wow Sue. I'm really impressed.
Sue: Yeah well, Madonna is legend. I want my girls to learn all the lessons she has to offer. Strength. Independence. Nobody quite like the material girl to empower my Cheerios. Just like your hair dresser has empowered you to look absolutely ridiculous.

—The Power of Madonna

Do you not understand the blackmail process and how it works? I have your wife's phone number on speed dial. To recap, you will be playing those Madonna hits throughout the day at an earsplitting volume. Understood?

—Sue to Figgins, The Power of Madonna

Also, Á la Madonna, I will no longer be acknowledging that you have last names. Becky Jackson, from now on you're just Becky.

—Sue to the Cheerios, The Power of Madonna

It's like Madonna once said, "I'm tough, I'm ambitious and I know what I want, if that makes me a bitch, okay." I'm pretty sure she stole that line from one Sue Sylvester. No, really, she stole it from me. I said it first. Palladium... '87.

—Sue to the Cheerios, The Power of Madonna

Sue: Santana, what does your bracelet say?
Santana: WWMD.
Sue: What would Madonna do? Well, the answer to that question is usually: Date a younger man. So, let’s see some arm candy, girls. Sorry, freshmen. You’re going to have to start trolling the middle schools. And you know why? ‘Cause if you want to be as riveting a performer as Madonna - a skill that will nab us Nationals this year - you’re going to have to start thinking like her, acting like her.

—Sue to the Cheerios, The Power of Madonna

You think this is hard?! I'm passing a gall stone as we speak! That's hard!

—Sue, The Power of Madonna

My parents were famous Nazi hunters so they weren't around a lot.

—Sue, The Power of Madonna

“Madonna.” Simply saying the word aloud makes me feel powerful. Even in voice-over. How I have worshipped her ever since I was a little girl. Sorry, Angie Jolie, Catherine the Great. Madonna is the most powerful woman to ever walk the face of the Earth.

—Sue (voiceover), The Power of Madonna

Oh, hey William. I thought I smelled cookies wafting from the ovens of the little elves who live in your hair.

—Sue, The Power of Madonna

I just lost my train of thought because you have so much margarine in your hair.

—Sue to Will, The Power of Madonna

Sloppy freak show babies!

—Sue, The Power of Madonna

Figgins: You're an original, just like Madonna. Don't lose that quality.
Sue (wearing a cone-shaped bra): Do you mean that, or are you just saying that because I poked a couple of the kids’ eyes out before second period today?

—Figgins and Sue, The Power of Madonna

Emma: I was just wondering why Madonna's playing everywhere except my office.
Sue: Well, it's simple, Arlene. You don't deserve the power of Madonna. You have none of her self-confidence, her power over her body, or her sexual magnetism. Simply put, you have all the sensuality of one of those pandas down at the zoo who refused to mate.

—Emma and Sue, The Power of Madonna

Somewhere in the English countryside, in a stately manor home, Madonna is weeping.

—Sue about a performance by the Cheerios, The Power of Madonna

Madonna belongs to me and I will not be copied. It's in my contract.

—Sue to Will, The Power of Madonna

I make fun of Will's hair because I'm jealous. There. I said it.

—Sue to Mercedes and Kurt, The Power of Madonna

You know, I was down at the pharmacy today, and they are having a monster sale on Dep. Dep is a hair gel. And once again I am making fun of your incredibly stupid hairdo.

—Sue to Will, The Power of Madonna

Water, maple syrup for glucose, lemons for acid, cayenne pepper to irritate the bowels and a dash of Ipecac, to induce vomiting.

I haven't had a solid meal since 1987.

—Sue (About the Sue Sylvester's Master Cleanse), Home

Mercedes, your vocal chords have had more fantastic runs than a Kenyan track team.

—Sue to Mercedes, Home

On assembly days, I arrange for the rest of the school to be fumigated, so the gym is the only place with clean air.

—Sue to Reporter, Home

How do you two not have a show on Bravo?

—Sue To Kurt and Mercedes, Home

"Splits" magazine, after much campaigning by one Sue Sylvester, has named me cheerleading coach of the last two thousand years.

—Sue to Kurt and Mercedes, Home

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to put a call into the Ohio Secretary of State informing him that I will no longer carry identification. Know why? Because people should know who I am.

—Sue to Kurt and Mercedes, Home

Mercedes: Well, what am I gonna do?
Sue: You can try dropping the attitude, there may be a pound or two in that.

—Mercedes and Sue, Home

Well, Becky, you are assimilating beautifully. Instead of being different and an outcast, you're just like every other teenage girl in America, sadly obsessed with vanity. Hey, before you know it, you'll be leaving little baggies of upchuck in your parents’ linen closet.

—Sue to Becky Jackson, Home

Some people like to film themselves getting physical with their partner. I happen to enjoy revisiting the impeccable form of my jazzercise routines.

—Sue, Bad Reputation

Principal Figgins: Last year a list of the Ten Ugliest Gingers in the school was passed around. The perpertrator would have been expelled had it not turned out to be a MEMBER OF THE FACULTY!
Sue: I stand by that list.

—Bad Reputation

I bribed Will Schuester's landlord to bug his apartment with baby monitors under his couch. And in his bedroom.

—Sue to Emma, Bad Reputation

Karofsky: Hey, Ms. Sylvester, let's get physical.
Sue: Not really my type, but I like that attitude.

—Bad Reputation

That Glee Club stole my private property and as soon as I figure out the difference between Slander and Libel, I'm suing you.

—Sue to Will, Bad Reputation

I never understood how hard it is to get laughed at, especially in slow motion.

—Sue to Jean, Bad Reputation

Wait, what's that smell? Dear God, that's coffee! It's usually masked by the smell of fear!

—Sue (voiceover), -Bad Reputation

Will, I may buy a small diaper for your chin because it looks like a baby's ass!

—Sue to Will, Bad Reputation

What's that?!! Oh, look!! Sue Sylvester is a top 700 recording artist, people!!! Who's laughing now!!! Hah!!!

—Sue (at the teachers' lounge), Bad Reputation

Nobody quits the Cheerios. You either die or I kick you off.

—Sue to Mercedes, Laryngitis

I'm gonna make it a habit to not stop and talk to students because this has been a colossal waste of my time.

—Sue to Kurt, Laryngitis

So you like show tunes. It doesn't mean you're gay. It just means you're awful.

—Sue to Kurt, Laryngitis

Sue: There's only one person who can tell you who you are.
Kurt: Me?
Sue: No, me. Sue Sylvester.

—Sue and Kurt, Laryngitis

Bryan: Sue, you're an impressive woman. I can't tell you how much you turn me on right now. You ever heard of the term, "anger sex"?
Sue: It's the only kind I know, Bryan.
Bryan: I should tell you I'm married.
Sue: Not a problem for me.
Bryan: And I'm still cutting half your budget.
Sue: Eh, you win some, you lose some.
Bryan: Should I lock the door?
Sue: No. Got a secret room upstairs – like Letterman.

—Sue and Bryan Ryan, Dream On

Is it a tad over-the-top to bill the district for skydiving lessons to have the Cheerios parachuted onto the football field? Perhaps.

—Sue, Dream On

Will: Look, nobody got hurt. It was a harmless prank!
Sue: That's what they said about a young man in Chicago in 1871, who thought he'd play a harmless prank on the dairy cow of one Mrs. O'Leary. He successfully ignited its flatulence, and a city burned, William. That young terrorist went on to become the first gay president of the United States, Abraham Lincoln.

—Sue and Will, Funk

I'm all about finding a freakish depressed kid and showing them what winning's all about.

—Sue, Funk

Will, I'm not going to do this. Even your breath stinks of mediocrity.

—Sue to Will, Funk

I want it to look like Elvis' gold record room at Graceland, except I'll be wanting far few morbidly obese women wandering around.

—Sue's plans for the Choir Room, Funk

You know for me, trophies are like Herpes. You try to get rid of them but they just keep coming. Sue Sylvester has hourly flair ups of burning itchy highly contagious talent.

—Sue to Will, Funk

Dear Journal,

something strange happened yesterday. I felt something below the neck. Dare I admit it? I have feelings for one Will Schuester. Sexy, non-murdering feelings. … True love always springs from true hate. I'll admit in the past I've fantasized about waking up with Will's head on the pillow next to me, except now I picture it attached to the rest of his body.

—Sue (writing her journal), Funk

It's as barren as me in here, Will.

—Sue to Will, Journey

From Fort Wayne, Indiana, the not-at-all stupidly named, Aural Intensity!

—Sue announcing the results, Journey

Kiss my ass, Josh Groban! I'm an internationally-ranked cheerleading coach!

—Sue to Josh Groban, Journey

I realize my cultural ascendance only serves to illuminate your own banality. But, face it, I'm legend. It's happened.

—Sue to Will, Journey

I spend large segments of each day picturing you choking on food, and I recently contacted an exotic animal dealer because I had a very satisfying dream that I once shoved your face into one of those pink-inflamed monkey butts that weep lymph.

—Sue (to Will), Journey

Will: Inside, you're a really good person. I appreciate what you're doing for these kids. I won't forget it.
Sue: I'm seriously gonna puke in your mouth.

—Will and Sue, Journey

Your hair looks like a briar patch. I keep expecting racist animated Disney characters to pop up and start singing songs about living on the Bayou.

—Sue, Journey

Sue: Cut my budget? You can't cut my budget without express permission of the President of the Federal Reserve! It's in my contract!
Figgins: Oh, Sue, I think you can manage a sixth national title without confetti cannons!
Sue: Do you think your kids can manage life without their daddy?

—Sue and Principal Figgins, Audition

I don't want you anywhere near my squad. You'll deafen them with the sound of your stretch marks rubbing together.

—Sue to Quinn, Audition

Beiste: This seat taken?
Sue: Yes. These seats are currently being occupied by my ghost friends.
Beiste: I'm sorry. Your what?
Sue: My ghost friends. Hideous, lonely faculty members who met with an early death from good old fashioned schoolyard bullying. And you know why? They tried to cross me. So why don't you just keep on walking?

—Beiste and Sue, Audition

See this? It's a court summons-child endangerment-'cause there's been a line of would-be Cheerios out there since late July. I guess they lost their humanity a little bit. One girl ate a pigeon, several others started worshiping a possum carcass as their lord... Well, that's how much they want to be Cheerios.

—Sue to Will, -Audition

Sue: First of all, a female football coach, is like a male nurse-sin against nature. Number two, I'm sure you're used to Hillbilly parents yelping adulation at you as they attempt to impregnate the tailpipes of various off-road vehicles, but you're in my house now, Beiste. No one comes into my house and steals from me.
Beiste: Do not get up in a panther's business, lady. You're all coffee and no omelet.
Sue (whispering): That doesn't make any sense.

—Sue and Shannon Beiste, Audition

Should have gone with poop cookies, Will.

—Sue, Audition

Oh, and Boobs McGee? You're demoted to the bottom of the pyramid, so when it collapses, your exploding sand bags will protect the squad from injury. Now take your juicy, vine-ripened chest fruit and get the hell out of my office.

—Sue to Santana, Audition

SHUT UP!

—Sue (To Rachel and Sunshine), -Audition

Will: Those kids went out there and put their hearts into that performance! And how does the school repay them? By defacing the signup sheet! Buttface McBallnuts? Assbraham Lincolon? They're not even funny!
Sue: Now, don't be rude, William. I put a lot of thought into those.

—Audition

Don’t go soft on me, Will. I realize you’re mourning the loss of that boney little redhead you’re in love with, and I understand, it’s not just a loss for you. As she appears to be the link between early hominids and man, it’s also a loss for science

—Sue, Audition

The two of you are making a very serious mistake today, the likes of which have not been seen since the Mexican Indians sold Manhattan to George Washington for an upskirt photo of Betsy Ross.

—Sue to Beiste and Will, Audition

It's a Britney Spears sex riot!

—Sue, -Britney/Brittany

William, I realize you're still mourning the loss of that bony, red-headed hominid you're in love with, I understand that.

—Sue to Will, Britney/Brittany

Now, I'm secretly hoping it's a mid-life crisis, which means you're halfway to an early death, affording me a blissful, demented convalescence spent peeing on your grave.

—Sue to Will, Britney/Brittany

I'm gonna sue the pants off of you, Will. I'm going to take your house, your car, your extensive collection of vests ─ I mean, seriously, you wear more vests than the cast of "Blossom."

—Sue to Will, -Britney/Brittany

You know what, William? That's what one Hubert Humphrey said back in 1968 at the start of the Democratic National Convention. But then hippies put acid in everyone's bourbon. And when an updraft revealed Lady Bird Johnson's tramp-stamp, and tattoos above her ovaries, Mayor Richard J. Daley became so incensed with sexual rage that he punched his own wife in the face. And spent the next hour screaming "Sex Party!" into the microphones of all three major networks.

—Sue to Will, -Britney/Brittany

In my office I have a chair with a naked butt sweat stain to prove it. It's like an ink blot test, that butt sweat stain. Stare into it long enough, and you will see the light of all that is good go out of the world.

—Sue to Will, Britney/Brittany

Is your Glee Club doing BRITNEY SPEARS???

—Sue to Will, Britney/Brittany

Becky, you're on Red Alert. If you see any awkward teenage frittage, you perform that Citizen's Arrest we practiced.

—Sue to Becky, Britney/Brittany

Emma: What happened to you, Sue? What horrible, horrible thing happened to you that made you such a miserable tyrant?
Sue: Have a seat. Since I was a little girl, I've had exactly one hero. My big sister. You know how much I worshipped her? She was the sun and the moon to me. And while I was still very young, I noticed that other people didn't feel the way I did. People were rude to her. They were cruel. They laughed at her, and so I began to pray. I prayed every night for her to get better. And nothing changed. So I prayed harder. And after awhile I realised it wasn't that I wasn't praying hard enough. It's that no one was listening. Asking someone to believe in a fantasy, however comforting, isn't a moral thing to do. It's cruel.
Emma: Don't you think that's just a little bit arrogant?
Sue: It's as arrogant as telling someone how to believe in God, and if they don't accept it, no matter how open-hearted, or honest their dissent, they're going to hell. Well, that doesn't sound very Christian, does it?

—Sue and Emma, Grilled Cheesus

I'm sorry for what you're going through, Lady. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, and I guess I don't have to--I think Mary Lou Retton is like an orphan or something.

—Sue to Kurt, -Grilled Cheesus

People who dress like librarians? All sex addicts.

—Sue, Rocky Horror Glee Show

Are you ready for a chilling statistic? 70% of all teeth in this school are wooden.

—Sue, Rocky Horror Glee Show

We've lost the true meaning of Halloween: Fear.

—Sue, Rocky Horror Glee Show

Children must know fear. Without it, they'll try Frenching grizzly bears or trying to live in Florida.

—Sue, Rocky Horror Glee Show

Show him who's the boss. Great, now I'm picturing the two of them making out during an episode of 'Who's the Boss.'

—Sue to Quinn, Never Been Kissed

This may be the opportunity I’ve been waiting for. A way to get Beiste out of the school and your Macaulay Culkin stunt double back in your arms.

—Sue to Quinn, Never Been Kissed

Take a good look William, because Sue Sylvester's got two things to show you. To my left I have one confetti cannon. To my right you'll find another confetti cannon.

—Never Been Kissed

It finally occurred to them to stop singing all that nonsense about how awesome it is to be alive, or ugly, or whatever the point is you guys are always trying to make. And instead they just got mean.

—Sue to Will, Never Been Kissed

Will: Coach Beiste quit?
Sue: I believe I just said that, Annie Sullivan. You want me to sign it into your palm?

—Never Been Kissed

Quinn: ...I'm dating the hottest guy in school-
Sue: Who would rather be dry-humping She-Hulk. Dear God, why did I say that, now that’s what I’m picturing. Do you know what kind of disgusting images I’m going to have to look at to get this out of my head? I’m gonna have to go straight to the wound care center. I’m gonna have to stare at some wounds.

—Sue to Quinn, Never Been Kissed

Why don't you go home, rest, die? It doesn't matter. Because as my first official act as principal, you are fired.

—Sue to Will, The Substitute

I suggest selling yourself on Craigslist under the heading of 'Men seeking Men with Butt Chins.'

—Sue to Will, The Substitute

You make the underflaps of my breasts burn, like when I used to rub them with poison sumac.

—Sue, The Substitute

Rest assured that I, and my attorney, Gloria Allred, will be pressing charges.

—Sue to Will, The Substitute

Will: I thought we were friends.
Sue: That got boring.

—The Substitute

[On a piece of broccoli]:

When I showed this to Brittany, she whimpered and thought I cut down a small tree where a family of gummy bears lived.

—The Substitute

My years-long quest for power has finally bore fruit.

—Sue to Will, The Substitute

Humiliation. Bested by the Beiste less than 24 hours after my plan to replace all chairs in the school with sharp poles was thwarted, a resounding defeat in my war against sitting... I need a new cause.

—Sue, The Substitute

There's no reason for you to be here... really, there's no reason for you to be here.

—Sue to Will, The Substitute

This room feels weird. I can't shake the feeling that I'm inhaling a lot of dead skin.

—Sue, Furt

You're welcome to sing The Sound of Silence in your hotel room. Right now.

—Sue to her mother, Furt

Sue:As an apology I'll allow you to choose from the following nicknames: Gelfling, Porcelain, or Tickle Me Doughface.
Kurt: I guess I'll go with Porcelain.
Sue: Damn, totally wanted Tickle Me Doughface.

—Sue and Kurt, Furt

I just prefer to think of the homleess as outdoorsy. So shine on urban campers!

—Sue, Furt

By the power invested in me by a website, I hereby pronounce you Sue and Sue. You may kiss yourself.

—Sue, Furt

Kurt: You know when you call me lady, that's bullying. And it's really hurtful.

Sue: I'm sorry, I genuinely thought that was your name.

—Sue and Kurt, Furt

Lady, if this kid lays a finger on you, I will expel him faster than a Thai take-out place can read back your order.

—Sue to Kurt, Furt

William, Elmo, You. Get the hell out of my office.

—Sue to Will, Emma, and Coach Beiste, A Very Glee Christmas

You're not the only person at this school that consumes protein powder by the tubful.

—Sue to Coach Beiste, A Very Glee Christmas

Will: I thought you hated the holidays.
Sue: No, I just hate you.

—A Very Glee Christmas

It's okay, it's not going to explode.

—A Very Glee Christmas

I thought you might wanna put all of out of our misery and shave off that Chia Pet.

—Sue to Will, A Very Glee Christmas

Will: How did you get in here?
Sue: I had a key made ages ago.

—A Very Glee Christmas

You're a regular Agatha Christie. Except even more sexless.

—Sue to Emma, A Very Glee Christmas

I'm everybody's Secret Santa. Yeah, you can just drop those anywhere.

—Sue to Will, A Very Glee Christmas

Becky, go into the glove box of my Le Car and bring me my tear gas, then get me Gloria Allred.

—Sue to Becky, A Very Glee Christmas

As satisfying as it is to have been gifted enough rotisserie ovens to roast an entire hobo, for me the real joy of Christmas was breaking the collective heart of the Glee Club.

—Sue to Becky, A Very Glee Christmas

And yet I am still so very bored! Even things I used to think were hilarious. Case in point: Sandbags, slap yourself with a chicken cutlet. [Santana slaps herself] Now slap Brittany. See, not even a chuckle.

—Sue to Santana, The Sue Sylvester Bowl Shuffle

Dear Journal,

I am in crisis. Not even the can’t-lose combination of boobs and fire can get me going anymore. Is it the raccoon hormones my new doctor gave me? Maybe.

—The Sue Sylvester Bowl Shuffle

Carnie: If you wanted to go for more than 50 yards, you’re looking at about a 70 percent chance of catastrophic failure.

Sue: Which is a 30 percent chance of catastrophic success.

—Sue buys a canon, The Sue Sylvester Bowl Shuffle

Quinn: What are you doing in here?
Sue: Enjoying the eavesdropping afforded me by the Swiss timepiece regularity and utter silence of my 2pm ninja poops.

—The Sue Sylvester Bowl Shuffle

You don’t climb in that cannon and that routine will be all ‘Boom, Boom’ and no ‘Pow.’ And that, Brittany, is so two-thousand and late.

—Sue to Brittany, The Sue Sylvester Bowl Shuffle

Oh and Brittany? This is for you. It's a card handwritten in crayon from the Canon. I ask that you remember that that cannon has two little baby twin cannons at home and one more on the way. And if you refuse to sign this, well, those little baby cannons might just go hungry. And the mama cannon has fibromyalgia, so she can’t work.

—Sue tries to convince Brittany, The Sue Sylvester Bowl Shuffle

Figgins: But the danger isn't to you!
Sue: That's the best part.

—The Sue Sylvester Bowl Shuffle

I hate you, Diane Sawyer.

—Sue to Katie Couric, The Sue Sylvester Bowl Shuffle

You will each enhance your bust with an additional pair of chicken cutlets in an attempt to add some jiggle to what is the most boring routine I have ever witnessed.

—Sue to The Cheerios, The Sue Sylvester Bowl Shuffle

Sweet Porcelain.

—Sue about Kurt, Comeback

Let the girl speak.

—Sue about Sam, Comeback

I should have that girl on the cheerios.

—Sue about Sam, Comeback

Will Schuester, you've just been publicly humiliated. And on the road to recovery is the very first step.

—Sue to Will, Blame It on the Alcohol

Oh, just picking up some coffee. I like my enemas piping hot.

—Sue to Kurt and Blaine, Sexy

Sue: As you no doubt have heard, I've take over for the coach of Aural Intensity.
Kurt: We heard you pushed him down the stairs.
Sue: No, you can't prove that.

—Sue to Kurt and Blaine , Sexy

Mercedes: What are you doing?!
Sue: Throwing sticks at your head!

—Mercedes and Sue, Original Song

The Muckraker motto? If I heard it, it’s probably true, or something.

—Rumours

Now we can get all HMO up in your Glee hole or you can tell me who put you up to spiking the punch bowl.

—Sue to Artie, Prom Queen

Your the WORST P O W EVER! John McCain is rolling in his grave!

—Sue to Artie, Prom Queen

Honey-Badger, I am lactating with rage!

—Sue to Terri, Funeral

Sue: Your nickname is Panda Express.
Howard: But I’m not Chinese.
Sue: Neither is the food at Panda Express.

—Sue to Howard Bamboo, Funeral

I’m allergic to pansies, and I don’t mean that as a swipe at either of you.

—Sue to Finn and Kurt, Funeral

I spend all this time hating you, hating that glee club. I do this thing where I sort of alternate which one of those kids I hate the most. Right now it’s the dancing Asian.

—Sue to Will, Funeral

They volunteered, and I only agreed on the condition that Frankenteen and Lady Trousers help me clean out Jean’s room at the nursing home. They look like they could use the exercise and I like the idea of using your glee club as unpaid labor.

—Sue to Will, (about Finn and Kurt), Funeral

Because if I was being honest with you, Eddie Munster and Herman Munster, I don’t know how to deal with this.

—Sue to Kurt and Finn, Funeral

Will: I just want you to know, you can lean on me right now.
Sue: Oh, William, I wouldn’t dare lean on you. There’s so much grease in your hair I’d probably slide right off.

—Sue, Funeral

Sue: You know, when you were in my grasp you were at the top of the pyramid. But then you joined the glee club and became lost, forced to sway in the background. Will Schuester never did appreciate the gentle tremble of your thin, forgettable alto.

—Sue to Quinn, I Am Unicorn

Sue: First, smoking kills. Second, it really does make you look cooler, doesn't it?

—Sue to Quinn, I Am Unicorn

Sue: Well hello, She-Hulk, Weepy the vest clown, and Little Miss Golden marmoset. It's a Brazilian monkey, and seriously, it's your spittin' image. I'm gonna send you a photo. Are you still "a freakish bony ginger @gmail?"

—Sue to Beiste, Will, and Emma, I Am Unicorn

Will: Sue's pom-pom budget is $4,000/month. Sue: You can't put a price on cheer, William.

—Sue and Will, Pot O' Gold

Sue: I heard. And I am literally horny with fear.

—Sue, Pot O' Gold

Sue: It's not personal Porcelain, it's politics.

—Sue to Kurt, Mash Off

Sue: If I wanna win this race, I need 20 cc's of man. Stat!

—Sue to her journal, I Kissed a Girl

Sue: Truth is, journal, I'm attracted to men. Sure, I can't stand watching them eat or talk, but when it comes to getting sexy, this gal's got a hole in her heart that only a fella can fill.

—Sue to her journal, I Kissed a Girl

Sue: Why don't you hurry on to your next face-widening session at the John Travolta Institute for Head Thickening and Facial Weight Gain?

—Sue to Shannon, I Kissed a Girl

Sue: My iPhone 5 is vibrating. That's a new feature of the iPhone 5, they vibrate now.

—Sue to Emma, I Kissed a Girl

Sue: It's a reporter from USA Today. The newspaper for people who can't read.

—Sue to Cooter and Shannon, I Kissed a Girl

Wheels, Porcelain, Other Gay: the Yuletide is upon us.

—Sue to Artie, Kurt and Blaine, Extraordinary Merry Christmas (Episode)

Sue: I made plans to shoot reindeer from my helicopter with Sarah Palin, but she canceled. Apparently Todd gets fussy when she misses his dance recitals.

—Sue to Artie, Kurt and Blaine, Extraordinary Merry Christmas

Sue: For God's sake, Amelia, it's 2012. If you want to marry Will Schuester, ask him.

—Sue to Emma, Yes/No

Sue: You can maybe go one day without the driving gloves. It's a wheelchair Artie, not a Porsche.

—Sue to Artie, Yes/No

Sue: I doubt your avian frame could withstand the rigors of childhood.

—Sue to Emma, The Spanish Teacher

Sue: Oh, stop with the lies, sweater meat, or you'll be hawking nude glossies of yourself behind the dumpster of Hooters by the weekend.

—Sue to Santana, The Spanish Teacher

Sue: In the last week, you either enjoyed a delicious curry or a hug from Principal Figgins.

—Sue to Quinn, On My Way

Sue: Quinn, thank you for coming. I know you must be exhausted from singing all those "oohs" and background "aahs."

—Sue to Quinn, On My Way

Sue: You proved that it's never too late to turn your life around.

—Sue to Quinn, On My Way

Will: Sue, we need to talk about what happened at Booty Camp.
Sue: What do you mean, my epic smackdown of the Glee Club over their complete apathy and lack of professionalism?

—Will and Sue, Big Brother

Will: I got this e-mail from Kurt, "Schue save us, Coach Sue is meaner than Tabatha!"
Sue: First of all, I have absolutely no idea who Porcelain is referring to, I'm assuming its gay niche.

—Will and Sue, Big Brother

Emma: Maybe you should talk to your doctor about adjusting your medication.
Sue: Oh, I'll ask. I'm going there this week to confirm the sex of my daughter.

—Emma and Sue, Big Brother

Sue: Excuse me, but I was wondering if I could pull you away from these ladies for just a moment.

—Sue and Cooper about Blaine and Kurt, Big Brother

Sue: Brittany thought of it. She gets an idea once every couple years and, lucky for us, this was a good one'

—Sue about Brittany, Saturday Night Glee-ver

Sue: Shannon, listen. You're gonna stay with me tonight, okay? If you don't have a change of clothes, I have a tent you can wear.

—Sue to Beiste, Choke

Sue: Shannon, I'm very upset with you. You promised to stay the night at my house. I made up my sofa bed for you. I ruined my tent, fashioning a neckhole in it. And what am I supposed to do with those nine whole chickens in my fridge?

—Sue to Beiste, Choke

Sue: Commercials aren’t real life. Advertisers are manipulative alcoholics who use images to play on our emotions. Haven’t you seen Mad Men?
Becky: No.
Sue: Neither have I.

—Sue to Becky, Prom-asaurus

What are you looking at, Jar Jar Binks?

—Sue to Joe, Prom-asaurus

Isn't she the one who used to stutter?

—Sue about Tina, Props

Porcelain, you will wear this flapper dress and perform at Nationals as Porcelaina. You already have the lady gait and lady voice, and you’ll have to start smoking though, because this dress is a size 2.

—Sue to Kurt, Props

Look at him/her. Poised. Confident. Pretty as a picture with a booty that won’t quit.

—Sue about Unique, Props

Puckerman I respect your commitment to winning, but without a doubt you are the ugliest woman I have ever seen. For a second there I thought you were Beiste's sister.

—Sue to Puck, Props

With Mo'nique down for the count we are entering the Hunger Games of show choir competition without one of our most powerful voices

—Sue to Will about Mercedes, Nationals

It’s amazing what a little TLC, some Cortisone and a witch doctor will do.

—Sue to New Directions about curing Mercedes

Sue: Dick Butkis, I beg of you, chew your cud with your mouth closed.
Beiste: Sorry. I'm as nervous as a cat in a room full of rocking chairs.

—Sue and Beiste, Nationals

My source, and when I say ‘my source,’ I mean Becky Jackson hiding in a dummy filing cabinet that I put in Figgins’ office…

—Sue to Will, Nationals

You're nothing like me. You're better. Sure I'm as smart as you are and every bit as pretty, but somehow you're slightly less evil, and I admire that. I admire you Quinn Fabray.

—Sue to Quinn, Goodbye

She's like a young Quinn Fabray, except she's not pregnant, manic-depressive, or in and out of the wheelchair.

—Sue to Kurt about Kitty, The New Rachel

You know, it used to be that just straight ex-football players would lurk the halls of high school after graduation, but you've proven gay ex-show choir champs can also be depressive sad sacks desperately clinging to the past.

—Sue to Kurt, The New Rachel

Will: What happened to all my good ideas?
Sue: Oh, don't kid yourself, you never had any good ideas.

—Will and Sue, Makeover

We've become somewhat of a progressive bubble here at McKinley High, and I think that's due to the fact that the Glee club is being run by a strange, weepy man-child who has lotion in his hair, but no adult friends.

—Sue, The Role You Were Born To Play

William, maybe you need to remind Chubby-Wan Kenobi of the daily nightmare that is borne of being my enemy.

—Sue to Will, The Role You Were Born To Play

For the past year, I've shown the Glee club mercy and the school has enjoyed an unprecedented era of peace. But if Bloaty, the gravy clown is allowed to take over glee club, my détente with the arts in this school is over!!!

—Sue to Finn, Glease

If I timed this right, Robin will wake up just as the New Directions hit the stage. She's a very fussy baby, so she'll be wailing through their entire performance.

—Sue to Emma about Robin, Thanksgiving

America is thrilled.

—Sue to Will and Emma about their reunion at Sectionals, Thanksgiving

I could use a handsome, non-flammable gay to articulate how my defeating the Glee Club once and for all and absorbing its budget was actually the best thing that ever happened to him.

—Sue to Blaine, Swan Song

My squad's looking a little pale these days. Wouldn't hurt to add a dash of yellow #4 to my championship cheer batter.

—Sue to Tina, Swan Song

Dear Journal, it's Christmas again. That time of the year when parents aren't arrested for forcing their children to sit on an old man's weirdly hot lap. That magical season when five seemingly separate storylines are cleverly sandwiched between commercial breaks and then tied togehter at the end like a beautiful bow. Like that movie Love, Actually, which I don't think anyone really cares for, and yet it's constantly on cable.

—Sue, Glee, Actually

In fact, I feel like taking a gander at that glorious taco right now.

—Sue, Naked

My Penthouse centerfold, so groundbreaking that it completely redefined the term ‘hirsute’ and gave birth unto these United States a pose so limber they named it the Regal American Not-So-Bald Spread Eagle.

—Sue, Naked

What is with you glee club ex-pats? Don't you have jobs. You have to have some source of income so you can pay the staff of scientists who service your teleporters that you all clearly on since you're constantly showing up here.

—Sue to Santana, Diva

Thanks, buddy.

—Sue to Will, Shooting Star